How will we get to work when the office opens? 

When is it okay to visit with family members? 

How often to go to the grocery store?

Whether and when to wear your mask? 

What should I do instead of shaking hands? 

Who will take care of the children? 

Should I buy workout equipment or wait for gym to open? 

How much take-out is too much take-out?

How much binge watching is too much binge watching?

How much Zoom is too much Zoom? 

How much wine is too much wine?

Decisions, decisions, decisions… And once we decide then we have to implement. By then, though, we may have depleted so much energy deciding that it would take herculean self-control to see things through.

Here’s What We Need to Know about Self-Control. 

It’s not like some have it and some don’t. Self-control has been around for at least 500,000 years, when we began to concentrate and tolerate frustration enough to perform tasks that do not have immediate rewards. Example: building sophisticated tools, such as flint axes, which required great skill, and took a really long time. 

We all have the capacity. But like a battery, some studies suggest that self-control can run out of juice, so it needs to be spent wisely and well.

The Take Away 

• Just because we have a question doesn’t always mean we have to decide and do. Some things can wait, or don’t really matter enough to waste energy on. Then you will have the self-control energy required to follow through on the things that do count.

• Some of the decisions we make now are for the good of others more than for ourselves. For those who are feeling ‘why should I have to’, maybe you just didn’t know that resisting for the sake of resisting takes energy you could be using for better things for yourself. But now you do.

• Most of all, we want to use our inherent self-control—from the bigger, higher brain that began developing in earnest over 500,000 years ago—to guide our actions through these and future times.

To activate the higher brain, if you haven’t already, go to https://madelaineweiss.com and click on “Power Breathing.” This will help you put the higher brain in charge, to use your self-control well.

Practice, practice, practice…see what happens, and let me know. Stay Safe.

Truth is Jessica was already thinking about her next move when I met her. Most of my clients are. The tree wants to grow. The bird wants to fly. And so do they. That’s why they come to me. To climb out of the “soul sucking” hole they are in, and go forward into the sun. 

It’s okay. Everything is going to be alright. Jessica has choices. All of them designed to create the world you want to live in, one way or another.  The secret to happy, healthy, productive lives—in my opinion. The person-environment fit.

So again, she has choices. Among them: Fight, Flight, Submit.

• Fight: She can negotiate with the powers that be about continuing some % of WFH hours. But they are in the middle of layoffs, so much will depend on how valued she is. 

• Flight: She can look elsewhere for an environment that fits better with her needs and interests. Or she can start her own business to make it happen for her. Here again, much will depend on the current market value of her contribution in her field.

• Submit: She can decide that now is a good time to sit tight, go with the status quo, appreciate her paycheck, and the time to work on increasing her value (high visibility projects, training…). The idea here is to grow the kind of leverage and positioning to support the work-life arrangement she wants.

In biology, it’s called Resource Holding Potential (RHP), which is a calculation of ability to succeed based on resource advantage. In the dung beetle world, the beetle with the biggest ball of dung (resource) gets the girl.

Happens in our world too. The employee with the most resource (e.g., competence, connection, confidence, courage, commitment…) wins.

RHP is a useful estimation of your ability to get what you want, based on what resource leverage you do or don’t have working for you. There is ability and there is motivation. Resource Value (V) is your motivation, what you are willing to invest of yourself to get from here to there. V matters a lot too. 

Back in the day, people used to take a job with a company and, happy or not, stay for a long time, if not forever. But now more than ever, it seems people are grappling in their work lives with whether to fight, flee, or submit.

To be clear, I know people who love their work and are itching to get back to the office.

But because I also know that so many out there are thinking about career alternatives and possibilities right now, I just put an RHP exercise on the pulldown in the “Complimentary…” box at https://madelaineweiss.com    

Practice, practice, practice, see what happens, and please let me know what you think.

Warm wishes,

Madelaine

– Prisoners found post-prison golf scores improved by visualizing great swings during prison time.

– People increased muscle strength by doing virtual workouts in their heads.

– Hotel maids lost weight/lowered bp when they believed their work was physical exercise.

– People who think life is good lead healthier, longer lives.

– Human rights activist, Sharansky, practiced mental chess in solitary confinement, eventually beat world champion chess player, Kasparov.

If the mind could do these things for these people, just imagine what it might be able to do for us.

So, while we are walled in, why not make some time to find out. Where can you go? What can you become? What goals and dreams can come true for you —- through the powers of your mind. Play with this. Practice, practice, practice…see what happens, and let me know. Stay Safe. 

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The best your brain can do is to spend large amounts of energy going back and forth and back and forth…  And then you wonder why you are exhausted. Of course you are. It’s only 11:00 am and you already used up everything you had.

Let’s say you take a phone call in the middle of your writing project. An MIT Neuroscientist tells us:

The brain has to stop focusing on writing, switch to listening, and then back to writing. But in returning to the first task, the brain has to use more energy to focus and get back into the flow. According to Professor Miller, the small interruption wastes time and increases the chances of making mistakes.

Multitasking wastes time and energy, and messes up your work. So why would we even try? 

Well, no surprise, we are wired for this. Back in the day when the modern human brain was being formed, it was good to be able to pay attention to a few important matters at the same time. For example: food over here, danger over there — stop whatever you are doing, reproductive opportunity right now.

Today, there are more than a few things calling on our attention, and the brain is just not designed to handle it all. Therefore what?

There are lots of tips and techniques from making lists, to prioritizing, batching, chunking, and mixing in optimizing ways. You can read about these here.

But here is my favorite, an exercise I call Focus and Release, which you can get off the pull-down in the “Complimentary” box at madelaineweiss.com.

This exercise will teach you how to put one task down before you pick another one up—so you don’t have to carry the weight of everything you do around with you all day long. That wastes energy and messes things up too.  So Practice, practice, practice…see what happens, and let me know what you think.

Stay Safe,

Madelaine

Zoom is an extension of the Human Social Brain that has, so far in this crisis, played a major role in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. There is grieving for actual loved ones for so many people, and grieving for life as we knew it for all. 

Stages of grief can be messy. They can overlap, or we can move along, then an anniversary happens, and we are set back. Still the generality is useful, so let’s see how this applies to Corona, Zoom, and Us.

Five Stages of Grief

Denial: In this phase of our present catastrophe, people could use Zoom to deny that how we are with each other — or even if we are with each other — is now to a large extent out of our control.

Anger: In this phase, we can Zoom to vent about how pissed off we are about this for me, and that for you. From why won’t those people wear masks to why do we have to wear them at all. Basically, it boils down to two, three, four or more people Zooming about ‘Why is this happening and who can we blame?’

Bargaining: Bargaining can be when we contact the people we have been dissing to arrange a Zoom call. Not necessarily conscious, we are bargaining that, if we are nice now, and promise to be nice from now on, maybe we will be spared. I even found myself thinking, “Take me so my children will be spared.” Consciously ridiculous. Likely the two are not related. But there it was.

Depression: In depression, Zooming continues but not with the same gusto. People show up late, leave early, some groups fall apart. Zoom just isn’t doing it. Nothing is. Nothing can. Who knows what will become of us? Who knows when this will end? And you may be getting sick of talking about it. Just don’t have the energy right now.

Acceptance: Unclear how many Zoomers have made it here by now. For those who have, and those who will, I suspect Zooming will continue—but not as much, maybe not as much fun, and maybe not as much just for fun either. After all, we get it now, in this phase. Is what it is. And, frankly, what’s so great about getting to Acceptance of something this bad? What good comes of that?

Sixth Stage of Grief: Meaning

Well, turns out something very good can come of that, after that. In Harvard Business Review article, “That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief.” we learn about a Sixth Stage of Grief.

Foremost grief expert, David Kessler, got permission from the Kübler-Ross family to add a stage after Acceptance, which he calls Meaning.

Thank you, Dr. Kessler. I love this. In my course, Crisis Coping 101, we talk about Must DOs, Can DOs, Don’t DOs, and New DOs, with the emphasis on New DOs—because new or renewed meaning is exactly what so many people came to me searching for—even before Corona began. 

Now there is time. Now there is space. Now there is forced opportunity to find new or renewed meaning like never before.

Go there—on your own, with a friend or family member, a colleague, a coach… But go there, see what happens, and please let me know what you think in the comments below.

Before Corona, I had myself framed essentially as a lover of humanity, a woman who stretches herself to understand, rather than judge, the annoying, if not outrageous, behavior of other people.

Then one day last week, I saw an online advertisement for a tank top that said “I Like Coffee and 3 People.” All of a sudden it came crashing in on me that there are actually people I don’t like.

Call it a Corona Transformation. That is honestly what it feels like. Liberated at last. Is what it is. Only human, after all. Even for me, it is okay not to like.

After this epiphany, I wrote a different post from the one you are reading now. The unsent post, entitled “Us vs Ourselves,” was all about the people who are dissing the rules on social distancing, no matter how much they may be putting themselves and others at risk.

The tirade included, but was not limited to, the unmasked people who were routinely coming up close and personal, right in my face—while I was simply trying to stay alive, and my dog was simply trying to poop.

Then there were the people I knew were getting together in ill-advised ways; never mind the first responders, and everyone else they, too, were putting at risk.

I referred to the behavior of these people I do not like as selfish, ignorant, and needy. Which means—OMG—I called them names. And then went on a 500-word rant on what could possibly explain such blatant inconsideration. Shame on me. I am better than this. Ok fine, it’s true, still trying hard to understand. Nonetheless, it was a rant.

And trust me when I tell you that, even though there is still some rant going on here and now; the original one, the cathartic one, was much, much worse.

But I Did Not Hit Send.

In the back of my mind was something I had heard about Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln had piles of “hot letters,” letters telling other people off that he never sent. I’m guessing Lincoln just knew and could feel what the science tells us now: There is something very good for us about writing things down, even if, and sometimes especially if, we do not hit send.

Your Brain On Ink is a book that explains how writing can, among other things, activate the calming parasympathetic nervous system. This calming helps to reengage the smarter, more rational, higher brain that gets knocked offline when the mid-brain gets enraged.

This is the same effect we get from what I call “Power Breathing,” a 3-breath way to do the same thing. If you haven’t already, get your easy instructions on the pull-down in the “Complimentary” box at https://madelaineweiss.com/

As more than an aside, however, the Lincoln method can be helpful—not only for angry personal or work emails or texts—but for other kinds of unhelpful missives as well. There are love letters better left unsent, and apologies too. Sometimes we write and send to bridge a gap that, no matter how uncomfortable, is better left as is.

Some might say, but shouldn’t we be calling people on their behavior if it is hurting others. Yes and No. Yes, when we have reason to believe chances are good we could have a positive impact. No, when there are so many and, if they are not listening to the medical experts, chances are they will do what they do, until something like, god forbid, their getting sick themselves turns them around.

In this case, to preserve and protect our good natures, for our own good, and the good of the people counting on us; we write but do not send. Or we can breathe, or both—to get a hold of ourselves and bring the higher brain online. Practice, practice, practice…see what happens and let me know in comments below.

This is how my client, Frank, looked 2 sessions ago at 4:45 in the afternoon. He was clearly trying to pat it down so I figured it was okay to say something.

“Is that your bedhead,” I asked. And he laughed. Next question: “Okay, so what if we worked out a daily routine for working from home. How would that be for you?” Frank said he thought that might be a good idea and, for both his morale and productivity, turned out it was.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a trauma expert, thinks that reinstating routine is a pretty good idea too. He lists unpredictability as his first precondition for trauma. By precondition for trauma, I’m presuming he means that, if we get out in front of the traumatic response, we can mitigate if not prevent it. Sometimes broken bones heal stronger with the right kind of support.

So he recommends creating schedules, filled with activities and connections we would look forward to, or at least feel good that we accomplished, even if it filled us with dread.

For example, Linda hates to sort the mail, so it piles up on the kitchen counter and makes her feel bad. Linda made a deal with herself that, now that she is home with no excuse and has to look at it and feel bad all day long, she will routinely have the mail sorted every day before 11am. Now Linda feels better for the rest of day every day. Just like that.

Not too much, not too little, but just enough to bring some order into the present chaos of our lives. With this will come a sense of agency, the feeling that what we do makes a difference, empowering us to do even more.

There are housebound people who are still getting up and getting dressed in their work clothes every day. Maybe you don’t want to go that far. I’m not. In between client video sessions, I’m alternating between 2 different pairs of black tights myself, and saving the 3rd for special, like Balcony Happy Hour. Gives me a reason to do the laundry. The laundry reminds me of the good ole days, and makes everything all clean again, so I like laundry a lot.

Some people are better than others at self-discipline in a vacuum. So if you happen to be one of the people currently into doing whatever you want whenever you want, or nothing at all, just because you can—try bringing some routine back into your life.

As much or as little as you think might do you good—not too much not too little, just right for you—try something and see what happens. Practice, practice, practice, and let me know in comments below.

Homeostasis, from the Greek words for “same” and “steady,” refers to any process that living things use to actively maintain fairly stable conditions necessary for survival. 

Space in couples and families is one of those conditions. A stable condition, pretty much shot to hell right now. Think about it. In the old-world order, just a few weeks ago, physical and emotional distancing was built in. Typically, one or both adults went to work, or somewhere outside the home, at some point during the day. Kids went to school. You get the idea.

Even when it didn’t happen naturally, people figured out how to have girls or guys night out, staying after school, going to the gym, playing golf, book club, hair, skin, and nails—or whatever it is people like to do to get a little breathing room away from the pack.

It’s not a bad thing, unless we think it is. In fact, breathing room is vital to maintaining the health and well-being of all parties involved. Start to notice how cranky people can get when their usual and customary space is blown out of whack. No surprise, then, that China has already seen divorce rates climb significantly as Corona subsides.

Communication might have helped. And Harvard Business Review just published a good piece on how communication can help. But I don’t know how many folks have the bandwidth for those kinds of conversations right now. And somehow when people just come out with “I need space,” it comes off as selfish, rude, hurtful… So people go underground or into the garage.

Example: Lucy reported an explosive argument with her husband. She wanted to clean the garage. Even though her husband did not want her to clean the garage in the middle of Corona, Lucy did it anyway. Due to the ugly argument, Lucy decided she was just going to skip dinner with her husband and his teenage son. So there.

When asked why she cleaned the garage, knowing it would lead to an argument, she said she did not know. I always like to count back from behavior. If the behavior got her both time alone in the garage, and time alone at dinner time too—could it be that Lucy, without even realizing it, was simply angling for some desperately needed emotional and/or physical space for herself.

Use your words, Lucy? But again, “I need space” tends not to go all that well. You might get away with it, but not necessarily without some kind of retaliation down the line.

Here’s the thing. There are 3 of you in every relationship. One of you, the other one of you, and The Relationship. The relationship has needs too. And one of those, critical during times of crisis especially, is to keep some things as same and steady as you possibly can, in this case space.

So, instead of sneaking around, provoking arguments, coming up with bogus excuses, or even being straightforward but not necessarily with a considerate tone…what if everyone involved had permission to say nicely:

“Honey I could really use a little space right now, I’m going to….(fill in the blank, e.g., take a walk, go into the home office and close the door) and will be back….(always good to say when you will be back so it doesn’t feel like a diss, e.g., in a half hour, an hour).”

How do you think that might go? Try it, play with it, this way and that. Practice, practice, practice…see what happens, and let me know in comments below.

Hello,

Here I am working from home, but then for me this is not new. For many of you, however, the extent of it is pretty much a first. And now, people who typically do not work outside the home, are…let’s say ‘visited upon’ by the people who do—the people who used to go to work and are now, all of a sudden, at home all day, all night, like never before.

Forbes says that support is key during the crisis to keep both morale and productivity up and running. Hence, this program, Crisis Coping 101, that I am offering via Geniecast—to bring larger organizations together for a virtual experience that is both useful and uplifting, at a time when we can all use some of both.

So wait, what about the rest? What about all of the people that this kind of program, and others like it, won’t ever reach. Everyone counts. For ourselves and all the people counting on us, we know how important it is to stay as fit, in every way, as we possibly can.

To help with this, a few days ago, I ran a smaller, cozier, less formal version of this program, including information on crisis, in general, and what I’m calling Must Do’s, Can Do’s, Don’t Do’s, and New Do’s. Tips and techniques for now and forever, no matter what comes our way. Free of charge, of course, in these times. And the response was really good.

One participant is now going to use this time to learn from YouTube how to get started on the Cooking Channel she always wanted to produce (she is a chef). She also resumed practicing a method she knows really does help her feel better when she feels especially down.

Another always thought she’d put her house in order, literally, when she was home and had the time. Housebound due to the crisis, her excuse is entirely gone. No longer any getting around how much worse and worse the mess was getting—and how much the clutter was bringing her spirits down at a time when she struggled to keep them up. By the end of the day—done!

All because of the shot of information and inspiration from the little group they put together, for Crisis Coping 101. At their request, to keep things going, they are adding on a 4-session follow-up: Crisis Coping 101 and Change Management Challenge. Just fyi.

So, just like they did, grab a few fam, friends, or colleagues, and let’s do this! Would love to hear from you to get started right now.

Stay safe and be well,

Madelaine

The stress that First Responders endure can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, cognitive impairment, substance abuse, relationship difficulties, physical illness… Read more to learn more here.

Even so, First Responders typically do not pay a whole lot of attention to themselves. Usually it is not until the moment of crisis has passed that all the damage that has occurred along the way of their giving everything they’ve got to everyone else—is staring them in the face. And then what? Here’s what. 

I have recently been contacted by an organization to volunteer to provide mental health services to First Responders and, of course, consider it a privilege to be able to help. For any of you who may be, or know, a First Responder, here is the sponsoring organization and sign up form. Please pass along.

And please be safe.

Madelaine