What Is Phubbing?

Phubbing — short for phone snubbing — happens when someone shifts attention to their phone when they are with other people. It might be answering a call, replying to a message, scheduling something quickly, or simply keeping the device visible and ready in a shared space — like a canasta table.

In a boardgamegeek.com discussion about phones on the table, there are those who point out that times are changing on how we connect: when, where, and with whom.

Not long ago, this behavior was widely considered rude. If you were with someone, your attention stayed with them. Calls waited. Messages were returned later. Social time had a natural boundary around it.

Today, that expectation has softened.

Phones do sit on some tables. Calls are taken. Emails answered. Appointments scheduled. Messages checked. Conversations pause and resume. This happened just last night in my own home with each of my guests.

Nothing dramatic happens — yet attention becomes subtly micro-fragmented. A glance here. A quick reply there. A brief scheduling exchange. Then back again.

Years ago, I wrote about this when phubbing still clearly felt problematic:

At the time, the assumption was straightforward: divided attention signaled disengagement. But something has changed.

Two powerful forces may help explain why phubbing has become more mainstream now.

1. We now carry the rest of our lives with us everywhere

Social time used to be protected partly because it had to be. Once we were together, we were temporarily unavailable to everything else. Work, family logistics, and small transactions waited.

Now our phones carry all of it:

• work
• family coordination
• scheduling
• travel planning
• finances
• small transactions
• ongoing responsibilities

Most of these take only seconds. A quick email. A short call. A brief exchange.

Attention becomes micro-fragmented. Social time no longer stands apart from the rest of life; it coexists with it.

This isn’t necessarily inconsiderate. It’s efficient. It’s practical. And increasingly, it’s mutually understood.

2. A more anxious world makes constant availability reassuring 

These days, many people are managing overlapping concerns — family, work, health, travel,  and the incredible uncertainty we all live with today. The phone becomes a tether to primary responsibilities and relationships in a way that reassures: We are together. We are okay.

Keeping the phone visible reduces anxiety. It signals readiness. It keeps important roles close at hand. Being reachable feels responsible, caring, and soothing.

In this context, small intrusions don’t necessarily have to signal disengagement from one’s present company. Instead, they may reflect shared understanding. We recognize that each person is managing priorities beyond the moment. And we are in it together.

Recent research reflects this shift. Studies on phubbing increasingly suggest that phone use during interactions often reflects competing relational demands rather than simple disregard.

For example, a recent review notes that the meaning of phone use depends heavily on context, perceived priorities, and shared expectations between people:

The behavior hasn’t disappeared — but its meaning has evolved.

When other parts of life enter the room

This reminds me of something that happened in a coaching session some time ago. I was deeply engaged with a client when my precious little dog, Rafael Leonardo, attacked his squeaky toy — Mr. Chicken. I prayed the squeaking would stop but it didn’t.

So, I paused and apologized for the “empathic break.” That’s what I was trained to call it when my undivided attention was taken away from my client. Strange as this may sound, I was taught that even something as innocent as a sneeze can be felt by another as a rupture in our all-important connection.

When I half-jokingly asked this client if she would like to meet Mr. Chicken, we laughed. Rafael appeared proudly and Mr. Chicken briefly entered the session too.

What might have been a disruption became a shared moment. The connection held. We widened the space, then returned.

Not dismissal — but expansion. Something added rather than subtracted with the connection repaired.

From phone snubbing to phone sharing

Usually, when someone takes a call or answers a message, they return and briefly share what it was about. A work issue. A scheduling detail. A family update.

The interruption doesn’t simply remove them from the interaction — it often brings new context back into it. Other parts of their lives enter the room, briefly, and then the conversation or activity resumes.

Attention still gets micro-fragmented. But the connection holds. The moment widens, then settles again.

In that sense, what we once thought of as phone snubbing may increasingly function as phone sharing. We’re not necessarily turning away from each other — we’re allowing glimpses of the responsibilities and relationships that matter.

What once seemed rude may now feel rather sweet. Food for thought. It has been for me.

To work on this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

How Heavy Is It?

Maybe you’ve heard this story. It’s so good. Bears repeating. Here goes…

A professor once held up a glass of water and asked the class that very question.

“Eight ounces?” someone guessed. “Maybe twelve?” another said.

The teacher smiled and replied, “It doesn’t matter how heavy it is. What matters is how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s fine. An hour, my arm will ache. A day, and I’ll collapse. The weight doesn’t change—but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels.”

We’ve all heard versions of this story before—but it bears repeating because every one of us carries invisible glasses of our own. The worries, the deadlines, the what ifs. The longer we hold them, the heavier they feel.

It’s Not What Happens, It’s How We Hold It

Modern science is catching up with that timeless lesson. Stress, it turns out, isn’t just about what happens to us—it’s about how we hold what happens.

The American College of Lifestyle Medicine (2025) defines stress as a whole-body experience involving biology, psychology, and environment. When a challenge arises, hormones like cortisol and adrenaline surge to help us act. But when the “on” switch stays stuck, the system wears down. Chronic stress has been linked to inflammation, sleep problems, depression, and heart disease.

Even more interesting, recent research shows that how we interpret stress can change its impact. People who view stress as a signal to pause, breathe, and regroup recover faster than those who see it as purely harmful. Mindset matters—not just emotionally, but biologically.

Why It Feels Heavier Now

If you’ve felt more tense lately, you’re far from alone. A 2025 Managed Healthcare Executive report found that workplace stress and performance pressure are at record highs. “Nearly one in four young adults now report significant symptoms of burnout, according to the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America report.”

Outside of work, families are facing what The Guardian called a “stress crisis” tied to financial, health, and housing insecurity. And our kids and grandkids aren’t immune—student surveys show rising anxiety about everything from grades to global issues.

It’s as if everyone is holding their glass just too long.

What Happens When We Don’t Put the Glass Down

When stress becomes chronic, the nervous system forgets what “safe” feels like. The body stays on high alert—tight muscles, shallow breathing, scattered focus. It’s adaptive for a moment but exhausting over time.

Think of cortisol like caffeine: a little helps you focus; a constant drip leaves you jittery, sleepless, and drained. That’s the allostatic load—the wear and tear the body endures when recovery never happens.

As a psychotherapist and coach, I’ve seen how invisible this load can be. People think they’re fine until one small frustration—the email, the delay, the disagreement—tips them over. It’s not the event that breaks them; it’s the weight of everything they’ve been holding all along.

5 Science-Backed Ways to Lighten the Load

The good news is that stress is one of the most modifiable health risks we face. We can’t avoid all triggers, but we can change how we respond to them.

1. Small Pauses, Big Payoff

The 2025 UCS found that even five-minute “micro-moments” of rest—breathing, stretching, or quiet reflection—significantly improved mood and lowered perceived stress. You don’t need an hour of meditation; one mindful minute, repeated often, counts.

2. Move the Body, Free the Mind

Exercise remains one of the most powerful stress relievers. A brisk walk can lower cortisol within 20 minutes. Don’t think of movement as another task—think of it as emptying the glass a little before it spills.

3. Social Connect

The ACLM now recognizes social connection as a core pillar of stress management. A laugh with a friend, a quick call, or a shared meal all help to regulate hormones through oxytocin and parasympathetic activation.

4. Reframe, Don’t Deny

Pushing stress away doesn’t work—it just lodges deeper. Try naming it instead: This is stress, and my body’s doing its job. That simple acknowledgment engages the thinking brain and restores perspective.

5. Sleep Is Sacred

No amount of coffee can outthink a tired brain. Rest is recovery, not laziness. Quality sleep restores hormonal balance, clears emotional clutter, and lets the body repair the damage stress can cause.

For practical tips, the CDC’s “Managing Stress” guide offers accessible ways to reset during the day. And here is a fav of mine called One-Touch that I have written about before

The Challenge for High-Achievers

Many high-achievers—especially those who care deeply about doing things right—resist rest because it feels unproductive. But rest isn’t idleness; it’s essential maintenance.

When you rest, your nervous system recalibrates. Your thinking sharpens. Your ability to make decisions improves. Your emotional bandwidth returns.
And the problems that felt overwhelming suddenly become workable again.

The Reframe: Stress Isn’t the Villain

What if it’s a message rather than the villain we think it is?

What if it’s a message that Something needs attention. Maybe it’s too much, too fast, or too constant. When we listen, we can adjust. When we ignore it, it only grows louder.

The point isn’t to live a stress-free life—that’s not realistic. The point is to recognize it for what it is: information, not identity.

The weight of the glass, after all, was never the problem. The problem was forgetting or refusing to put it down.

The Real Lesson

Ask yourself: What’s in your glass today?

What thoughts, worries, or responsibilities are you carrying today that you could set down for another day, if not forever?

Take a breath. Stretch your shoulders. Call someone who makes you laugh. Step outside and feel the air. The science is clear: we were never meant to hold everything all the time.

So find something to set down. Rest your arm. You can always pick it back up if and when that’s the right thing to do.

And for help with this or something else contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

Why Should You Make a New Habit?

Here’s why: September is Self-Improvement Month, and making new habits is a great way to improve yourself and your life. Maybe you thought you had ‘til January 1st to upgrade yourself and your life. But the National Calendar says the time is now.

After all, for many people, resolutions they made in January have failed by now anyway, by February actually. So now would be a good time to try again.

I always want to learn and grow this time of year. People suggest vacation ideas for this time of year, the shoulder season in many terrific places, with rates lower and crowds thinner.

But not for me. For me, it’s ‘back to school’ season, with the days of repentance and renewal coming up too. So, I for one have had enough vacation, gorgeous as it was. Right now, I just want to learn and grow—and improve.

What is Self-Improvement?

Zion Market Research defines self-improvement as:

The process of improving one’s knowledge, abilities, character, and general well-being is referred to as self-improvement. It entails making conscious efforts to grow in all spheres of one’s life—emotional, intellectual, physical, and social. Numerous activities, including picking up new abilities, forming wholesome habits, improving emotional intelligence, and more, might be included in this process.

Over the past few years, for self-improvement month, I posted a few fun facts, which I am updating here below:

– Organizations began promoting self-improvement in the 1980s, becoming a national event by 1988.

– The U.S. Spends $41.23 Billion/Year on Self-Improvement, up a lot from $10.4 Billion/Year last time I posted.

– The market includes:

• • Books
  • Audio books
  • Infomercials
  • Motivational speakers
  • Public seminars
  • Workshops
  • Holistic institutes
  • Personal Coaching
  • Weight loss programs
  • Apps
  • Internet courses
  • Training organizations and more

…for topics, such as:

• • Weight loss/exercise
  • Business/sales skills
  • Business opportunities/investing
  • Improving relationships
  • and general motivational

The global self-improvement market is estimated to reach $81.77 Billion/Year in 2032, compared with the $56.66 billion by 2027 posted last time.

What drives all this growth? Some say “…the growing awareness that a harmonious balance between mental, emotional, and physical aspects is a necessary component of true well-being….reflects a wider recognition that cultivating a resilient attitude and emotional balance are essential elements of attaining total well-being when confronted with the obstacles presented by contemporary living.”

Let me add another driver; that is, that growing is fun and feels good—the best antidote I know for feeling bad.

The tree wants to grow. The bird wants to fly. And so do humans. And when they don’t, they can get depressed.

So many clients have thought that their misery was the job, the spouse, the money or lack thereof, the whatever outside of themselves…when it turned out to be, simply put, that they were bored.

These clients, and so many people in general, cling to ‘same ole same ole’ habits of living that suck the excitement and enjoyment out of their lives.

It’s not that habits are bad, and we will get to what’s really good about them. It is more that old habits need to make way for the new to help us grow and feel alive.  

And that is why making new habits is a great way to kick off September, Self-Improvement Month. So, what is a habit? And how can we make and sustain a new one? 

What is a Habit?

From LiveScience:

A habit is a behavior that has become automatic, according to a 2019 article published in the Oxford Research Encyclopedia. Habits can be formed and eliminated deliberately or unintentionally. We may not even be aware of some of these behaviors. 

Habits help us a lot. Consider the barrage of information we face every day, “equivalent to reading 500 pages of information or an entire encyclopedia every minute.”

Because it would be humanly impossible to process all of that information consciously, we have habits or automatic and easily repeatable actions and behaviors that we don’t have to waste any energy thinking about.

That’s great, but some of those habits were put there by the 5-year-old you used to be—no doubt cute and smart, and very much meaning well by you—but a 5-year-old nonetheless.

And, really, how much do we want a 5-year-old in charge of our lives?

At the very least, it may be time for a review of the major life-shaping habits of your life; like sleep, diet, exercise, work habits, and the like.

I know people who know their lives would be better if only they…but they don’t. Often, it is more like a 2-year-old just saying “NO, I can do whatever I want,” and to assert themselves, they defy whatever it is they think is right. 

Basically, any new behavior is going to have to be directed consciously and willfully by you. This means that if you wait until you ‘feel like it’, which a lot of people do, the day and the desired lifestyle change may never, ever come. 

So how can we create and maintain a new habit to improve ourselves and our lives?

How To Create and Maintain a New Habit for Self-Improvement

Bear in mind that this does not happen overnight. It can begin overnight but takes time to lock into your basal ganglia, where it takes on that easy automatic life of its own that you don’t even have to think about.

We have heard that it takes 21 days to make a habit. But this was speculation in the 1960s, not science, from a cosmetic surgeon, Maxwell Maltz, who believed that’s how long it took his patients to change the mental image of their new look. 

More recent studies have found between 18 and 254 days to make a habit (an average of 66 days), depending on motives, resources, self-regulation, and environmental, social, and biological influences.

So, let’s say you want to establish a more consistent sleep routine. This is, by the way, an excellent idea. And, consistency with this and any new habit is key. 

How long it will take is anyone’s guess, but you will know you are getting there when it takes less effort to do the new behavior, and in fact, you feel uncomfortable if you don’t.

Consistency is what plants it into your brain. Repetition is what builds the neural connections deeply in your brain that make it easy and automatic for you to upgrade in this way.

Other suggestions in addition to consistency and repetition include:

• Start small. Manageable and measurable. You can always increase over time.
• Pair with something related. What are you eating and drinking before you get into bed? Screentime? Anything in there you want to tweak at the same time?
• Is there a reward you want to pair with your new behavior? Something that delights you? Or with sleep, let’s say, is how good you feel with this new way of doing your sleep reward enough for you?
• What about a Buddy? Or some other form of accountability support system, like coaching, or e-learning—to help maintain whatever new habit(s) you want to invite into your life.\ 

Above all, I would say know your WHY—your very own reason for wanting to take on the effort that this will be until it takes hold—because this is what will keep you from rebelling against and defeating yourself. 😉 

With Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Freepik

Why Do We Love Nature?

Some say it’s because landscapes remind us deeply of the lush habitat of the savanna – the favorable environment in which the biggest part of our evolutionary brain development is said to have taken place. There was 2016 research suggesting that just 30 minutes per week is enough to make a huge positive physical and mental difference in our lives: 

People who visit parks for 30 minutes or more each week are much less likely to have high blood pressure or poor mental health than those who don’t, according to new research by Australian and UK environmental scientists…. parks offered health benefits including reduced risks of developing heart disease, stress, anxiety, and depression. ‘If everyone visited their local parks for half an hour each week there would be seven percent fewer cases of depression and nine percent fewer cases of high blood pressure’.

It could be argued that our human fascination with nature is hardwired into our psyche, a relic of our ancestral past where green, open spaces signaled safety and abundance. These landscapes, often untouched by the crazy pace of modern civilization, offer a momentary return to simplicity and tranquility. The idea that a mere 30 minutes each week spent in such environments could significantly uplift our spirits and our health is not just intriguing, it’s almost magical, if not essential for our physical and mental health.

What the New Study Found

Now, researchers are finding that a 40-minute walk in nature significantly improves executive control. This includes, “working memory, decision making, problem-solving and coordinating disparate tasks,” things that matter a lot in work and life, as you know.

And no, it wasn’t just the 40 minutes of exercise, because the study controlled for that. Half of the participants walked in a nearby urbanized setting, with a similar elevation to the more natural setting, to make sure that results were not due to the exercise of the walk. Exercise has its benefits, of course, but not as much as when in nature, they found.

Now these University of Utah researchers are looking into which kinds of natural settings are best for optimizing the brain’s executive functioning, and how long the exposure has to be for there to be an effect that makes it worth your time.

Really, how many people can easily find 40 minutes to take a walk? Chances are that often enough in those moments when you most need your brain to be at its sharpest, you are also involved in something that makes it hard to find 40 minutes for a stroll, somewhere green out there.

Therefore, what?

What Else Can Help

What if you don’t happen to have a park nearby? Even if you did have a park nearby, first you’d have to get to the park and then you’d have to get back home or to the office, and that all takes time. Who has that kind of time? You do, we all do because if we can’t get to the park, well then we can just bring the park to us. Plants. Yes, plants help us de-stress too, and the Huffington Post even tells us exactly which plants to get.

This from an earlier post:

But maybe you travel or don’t have the right exposure for plants. Ok then, did you know that “Fireplace For Your Home” offers gorgeous greenery with a running brook, sound and all, which can be accessed on YouTube and Netflix. The funny thing about the brain is that as smart as it is, it can’t always tell the difference between what’s real or imagined.

 So, for example, when Harvard psychology professor, Ellen Langer, told hotel maids that their work was physical exercise their health measures improved, relative to the health measures of the hotel maids who thought they were just cleaning rooms. There were similar health benefits for seniors whom Langer instructed to imagine, and live for a period of time as if they had gone back in time and were much younger again.

Use your imagination. Bring to mind a time and place of green. Merge it with your breath. Breathing in through the nose, out through the nose. When the mind wanders bring the mind back to your beautiful green.

Practice, practice, practice, and see what happens… To work on this or something else, would love to hear from you weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Warmly,

Madelaine 

Photo by Freepik

Why The January Blahs? 

The term “Anti-Resolution” counters the usual pressure to make New Year’s Resolutions that hardly anyone keeps, especially during The January Blahs.

It has been found that 92% of resolutions fail, 80% of them fail by mid-February, and 64% of us make the same resolutions over and over again every year. Same 5 lbs. every year or whatever it may be for you. 

Seems so silly. Why would we do that? One of the reasons from an earlier post is that New Year’s Resolutions are a tradition that dates back at least 4000 years. 

Promises to the Gods. Humans have been making resolutions, or promises to the gods, at least as far back as 4000 years ago in ancient Babylonia. The promises then were about being better people to others, so the pagan gods would not punish us by wrecking our crops.

The difference now is that the promises are more likely to ourselves, for ourselves, about ourselves, and we can easily let ourselves off the hook in a way that earlier humans were not convinced the gods would. And just in case the gods are still looking, at least we made the promise, didn’t we? Come on, at least we tried.

But January can be a terrible time to take on the stress of major change if our energy is already low from The January Blahs.

According to a YouGov survey, January is the most disliked of all months. The “Monday of Months…The end of fun, joy, tranquility and dreams. The return of the reality. The same is with January,” how one woman framed it.

And another put it this way: 

January seems to take the cake for being the most depressing. Post-holiday letdown turns into failed New Year’s resolutions, which are exacerbated by short days, long nights, bad weather, and holiday credit card bills. This kind of low-level winter depression seems to be a seasonal fact of life. “It’s very common for people to get down during long winter months,” says Dawn LaFrance, PsyD, associate director of the Counseling Center at Colgate University in upstate New York.

In the simplest terms, January is not December. Life is different. Things have changed. Change demands adjustment. Adjustment to change of any kind is stressful. So really, who needs more?

This is where anti-resolutions come in.

What is an “Anti-Resolution”?

Some use the term to refer to goals we will eliminate instead of pursue. Others use it to mean setting goals that are less grand than the typical New Year’s Resolution variety. And some consider using a word-of-the-year instead of a specific goal as an anti-resolution too. 

But this way of thinking about anti-resolutions, from ArtsHub’s National Visual Arts Editor, Gina Fairley, is my hands down favorite: 

…the idea of the anti-resolution: an acknowledgment of what we do well already and just sharpening it up for success, rather than a kind of hoop-jumping aspiration set up to fail.

Strengths-based. Of course! What we focus on is what we become. If we focus on our defects, we believe we are defective. Or as others have said:

“You become what you give your attention to. If you don’t choose what thoughts and images you expose yourself to, someone else will.” – Epictetus

“What you focus on grows. What you think about expands, and what you dwell upon determines your destiny.” – Robin Sharma

“Your life is controlled by what you focus on.” – Tony Robbins

I highlighted this idea with my clients this week and watched everyone’s energy lift like magic. The mere thought that there is nothing to fix right now, that all they have to do right now is more of what they are good at, more of what they love, and see what happens. Judging by their sighs of relief, it certainly seems worth a try.

But New Year’s Resolution making is a very old habit, and old habits die hard. 

How New Habits Get Made

Habits, or behaviors that have become automatic, keep us from wasting energy figuring things out that we already learned, like riding a bike.

But let’s say you want to switch from a defect-based approach to a more strength-based way of living and growing, do bear in mind that this may not happen overnight. It can begin overnight but takes time to lock into your basal ganglia, where it takes on that easy automatic life of its own that you don’t even have to think about. 

In the 1060s we heard that it takes 21 days to make a new habit, but more recent studies have pegged it between 18 and 254 days (average of 66 days), depending on motives, resources, self-regulation, and environmental, social, and biological influences. 

Consistency is key. How long it will take is anyone’s guess, but you will know you are getting there when it takes less effort to think, feel, and do differently and better—and you feel uncomfortable if you don’t.  

Repetition is what builds the neural connections deeply in your brain that make it easier and more automatic for you to live your best life. 

Practice, practice, practice…see what happens and let us know. 

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by FreePik

What are Intrusive Thoughts?

I heard that there was a shortage of social workers in Israel, so I asked my dear Israeli friend and colleague how I could help. By the end of this conversation, we had settled on a webinar on Intrusive Thinking, so I began to read. This has always been and still is my answer to everything: First, to read.

After pulling up many articles, I noticed that I had already written a post on tips for negative thinking, quite recently in fact. So, what I would like to do is refresh some of that and then add to it—a single pivotal point—on what to do and not do about the intrusive thinking.

From the earlier post: 

…93.6% of participants in one study reported experiencing negative (“intrusive”) thoughts—some more than others for sure. Not all unwanted thoughts are negative. Shorten with AIEven something as neutral or even pleasant as what to put on your grocery list, yum, can be unwanted/intrusive if we are trying to take a timed exam or to focus on a task that we have to get done. Shorten with AI

The negative thoughts are not just a distraction, because they can affect our moods and our lives, and are thereby a central feature in mental health conditions, such as obsessive-compulsive, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, and eating disorders. But a lot of people are troubled by negative thinking even without a full-blown disorder. Why is that? Why is negative thinking so common? Why do have them at all?Shorten with AI

We have them because back in the day when the modern human brain was forming negativity helped us to survive and to thrive. If something pleasant came down the pike and we missed it, like a food opportunity, oh well there will be another. But if it was a predator and we missed it then we would be lunch. So, our ancestors who were best at looking out for danger (negative thinking) were more likely to live to fight and procreate another day, and here we are all wired up with radar for negative people, places, and things to occur, even if they don’t.

That’s the evolutionary psychology point of view in a nutshell on what is called the “negativity bias,” well-known and well-used even by the 2023 World Economic Forum (WEF): 

There is currently a “permacrisis” of disruption on every conceivable front, fueled by volcanic eruptions that have simmered beneath the surface for years. From human-induced trauma such as war, inflation and recession; to cybercrime and real-world malfeasance, they all coalesce into a cacophony of negativity…. Negativity bias is universal. 

Approximately “six million Americans” are affected by intrusive thoughts, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Intrusive thoughts can be defined as: “Any distinct, identifiable cognitive event that is unwanted, unintended, and recurrent. It interrupts the flow of thought, interferes in task performance, is associated with negative affect, and is difficult to control.”

Stress and Trauma can bring them on and make them worse. In fact, a number of authors mentioned how normal it is to experience intrusive thoughts in response to stress and trauma. But they scare people, stressing them even more. Thoughts like jumping off a bridge or hurting someone they love scare people, so a typical response is to try to make them go away. This is not a good idea for a reason that I am about to address.

Why is it Better to Let the Intrusive Thoughts Come?

You know what happens when people say don’t think about elephants. Right, you think about elephants. But do you know why? Here’s why. It’s called Ironic Control Theory, and it is a bit confusing:

A theory of ironic processes of mental control is proposed to account for the intentional and counterintentional effects that result from efforts at self-control of mental states. The theory holds that an attempt to control the mind introduces 2 processes: (a) an operating process that promotes the intended change by searching for mental contents consistent with the intended state and (b) a monitoring process that tests whether the operating process is needed by searching for mental contents inconsistent with the intended state.

The operating process requires greater cognitive capacity and normally has more pronounced cognitive effects than the monitoring process, and the 2 working together thus promote whatever degree of mental control is enjoyed. Under conditions that reduce capacity, however, the monitoring process may supersede the operating process and thus enhance the person’s sensitivity to mental contents that are the ironic opposite of those that are intended.

In other words, if I understand correctly, the harder we try to push the intrusive thoughts away, the more activated the monitoring process searching for the negative thought becomes. The research bears this out, including smokers trying to quit with thought suppression who wound up smoking even more after only one week. Maybe that’s why dieters wind up gaining weight too. And, moreover, the more stressed we are (reduced capacity), the more likely it is that the monitoring process will prevail with intrusive thinking that is getting stronger with every breakthrough event.

Clearly, then, the understandable human instinct to push away intrusive thoughts is something we need to consider carefully and gently. As we say with mindfulness meditation, let the thoughts come and let them go like clouds in the sky. In other words, it’s more than okay to think about the elephant or whatever else the unwanted thought is. And then if the thought really does not warrant any further consideration, we just let it go.

Keyword: Acceptance. The #1 Tip to deal with intrusive thoughts is to practice Acceptance. Letting the thoughts come, and then letting them go like clouds in the sky. We do not try to hold onto clouds in the sky. We note them and let them go, which they will if we let them rather than picking them up and chewing on them like a dog with a bone. But wait…

What if the Intrusive Thoughts Won’t Go Away?

Again, unwanted, intrusive thoughts are common. One study found that 90% of the population experienced them. But what if the intrusive thoughts won’t go away? What if they are all over you like a dark, heavy, wet blanket, and you can’t shake it off.

In other words, how do we know when it is a normal stress or trauma response that will ease up with the passage of time versus something more serious calling for professional help?  Consider this. It is time to seek professional help when there is:

• Disruption of daily functioning and relationships in work and life.
• Disturbance in physical well-being, such as GI problems, chronic insomnia, severe anxiety, or panic attacks.
• Disconnection from interest in usual activities, and social and emotional withdrawal or numbness.
• Duration of symptoms lasting for an extended period of time, such as months or years. 

That said, I would also like to make the case that, for traumatic events and severe chronic stress, earlier intervention can prevent symptoms from becoming habits of the mind and body that can be harder to reverse the longer they persist. And, of course, for anyone worried about their physical or emotional safety, please seek immediate assistance via 911, your physician, or a hospital emergency room.   

And, to talk about how to use mindfulness to achieve acceptance, or to discuss another matter, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

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Why We Talk?

Recently I lost a friend. Actually, he was he was a friend of a friend’s son, and I had not even met him, not even by zoom. Email only.

But I cherished Josh (not his real name) because he was of a different political persuasion than almost everyone I know. Plus, he seemed to enjoy helping me to see things about our world and the people in it that he could tell I did not see myself.

Josh would send me articles to help me to understand what I had no other way to understand, unless I watched that other station, which I did not want to do.  

What if someone saw me? People do ask me what news station I watch. People ask people what station they watch routinely as shorthand for “Are you in my tribe or not?”

I have this going on with friends on the far right and left. One beloved woman I have known for years puts up with my incessant inquiries, challenges, and assertions, I am hoping not just because we have known each other for years but because maybe she learns a little something from me too.

Or is it something to do with the world feeling a bit safer when we are connected to that which might scare the bejeebies out of us.

I think that’s what it is for me. I’m not exactly trying to persuade anyone not to see what they see. I just feel safer if they can add into the mix more of what there is to see than meets their own eyes. 

Talking is complicated. And, considering the scientific finding that less than 2% of conversations end when we want them to, I figure I am not the only one who, despite my good intentions, may simply talk too much.

So, let’s look at some excerpts from an earlier post on how and why we humans started to talk at all.

History of Talk

In Evolution and Human Behavior, John Cartwright tells us that the first talker could have been Homo habilis, 2 million years ago or Homo erectus, 1 million years ago. You may also click here for no less than 200 references on the origins of language. But here is what matters for our purposes.

To be sure, talking is a social plus, and one that has helped us to survive and to thrive all along, likely for millions of years. How else would we suppose that our ancestors could negotiate who gets to eat how much and what cut of the meat from the hunt? How else would they have been able to make deals, detect cheaters, alert each other to danger, and the like.

Well why couldn’t they just do it with the wave of a hand or a point of the finger, “Food over here…ferocious beast over there”?

Because it didn’t work in the dark for one thing and, even if it was light out, then we had to be looking at each other all the time, just in case someone decided to ‘say’ something, instead of either resting our eyes or using them to scan outward for food, danger, or sex opportunities….

So by putting the tongue to work, hands could do all kinds of great things, like carrying babies, using tools….

But not all speech is as overtly purposeful as that. Some of it is just for… you know…bonding. Not to minimize bonding, we’d be nowhere as a species without bonding, but here’s where the drivel comes in.

“Talking is a social lubricant, not necessarily done to convey information, but to establish familiarity…. these vocalizations are equivalent to the chitchat that we do. People think that conversations are like exchanging mini-lectures full of information. But most of the time we have conversations and forget them when we’re done because they’re performing a purely social function.”

That’s a relief in a way, isn’t it? Trouble is that the chitchat can be mindless and when we are talking just to talk it doesn’t always come out right.

In fact, studies have shown American civility to be on the decline. As only one example, 25% of Americans reported using the f-word every day, up 10 points over the last 10 years.

And something tells me our uncivilized polarizing discourse is only going to get worse. So what can we do? Well, we can learn how to master our mouths.

Mastering Your Mouth

Mastering Your Mouth is a chapter title in my book, Getting to G.R.E.A.T.

In short for here and now, the most useful guidance I have ever heard for getting a grip on too much talking is: True, Kind, Necessary and Beneficial. And, ideally, our speech would meet the test of all 4.

For example, talk that is true, might not be kind, nor necessary and beneficial at all. Sometimes we talk just to assert our existence. Again from the earlier post:

For some people, it goes something like this: I Talk Therefore I am. Why not just: I Breathe Therefore I Am. If all that is needed is reassurance that one exists, breathing should be enough.

Breathing is true, kind, beneficial, and necessary. But breathing doesn’t tell us that we are really amazing and that the whole rest of the world knows it. Anyone can breathe.

But impressing the world, just by making these amazing words come out of the mouth, well now we’re talking. Only no one is listening, more than likely not even the talker, when the talking has taken on a life of its own with no redeeming social value to it.

So, especially in these highly charged times, threatening to become even more so, let’s just think before we talk. Is it true, kind, necessary, beneficial? Is it going to help us to help each other or pull us more and more apart.

And if there really is no useful purpose to what the tongue is about to do—as if the tongue is in charge of us instead of the other way around—let’s just breathe instead so at least we do no harm.

Practice, Practice, Practice…see what happens, and for help with this or something else, Contact Me at Madelaine Weiss.

Warmly,

Madelaine

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