What Happened?

The other night I watched a strong and wise man tear up in the middle of his remarks.
And I completely fell apart.

It felt like something that had been building for a long time, with everything going on in the world — the noise, the uncertainty, the sense that we are all carrying more than we show.

My mother would have called it a good cry.
But these days, a lot of people don’t think there is anything good about crying at all.

3 Reasons We Don’t or Won’t Cry

Research suggests that many adults rarely cry, and some even describe themselves as “non-criers.” Most people who hold their tears intend to do it for one of three reasons.

1. We were taught crying means weakness
   Many of us grew up hearing things like “don’t cry,” “be strong,” or “keep it together.” I have written myself on the benefits of staying positive, and more recently on all about living well no matter what, with those adorable happy faces. Over time, though, the nervous system can learn,  inadvertently, how to shut down emotion before tears can ever start.
2. We are afraid of losing control
   Some people worry that if they start crying, they won’t be able to stop. So, they hold everything in instead. Research on emotional suppression shows that pushing feelings down can increase stress in the body rather than reduce it.
3. We don’t feel safe enough to let go
   Crying requires a sense of emotional safety. When life feels uncertain, overwhelming, or tense, the body stays in alert mode — and tears don’t come easily.

3 Reasons Crying May Actually Help

Others strongly disagree with the idea that crying is bad for us. In fact, research suggests tears may serve an important psychological and biological purpose.

1. Crying helps calm the nervous system
   Studies suggest emotional crying may activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the part responsible for recovery and regulation.
2. Crying may release soothing brain chemicals
   Crying has been associated with the release of oxytocin and endorphins, chemicals linked to relief, bonding, and emotional regulation.
3. Crying helps us process emotion instead of storing it
   When feelings are held in, the body stays tense. When feelings move through, people often report feeling clearer, calmer, or more grounded afterward.

What If You Can’t Cry? Try This

I’m lucky — I can cry.

But what if you can’t?
Or what if the feelings are there, but the tears won’t move?

At a Harvard Medical School conference last week, Lisa Miller, Ph.D., led us through an exercise that was surprisingly touching. It wasn’t about forcing emotion. It was about creating the kind of inner safety where emotion can happen.

Take a moment to calm your body and mind. Close your eyes and take a few slow breaths.

Now imagine a table in front of you. This is your table. You may invite anyone who truly has your best interest in mind — living or deceased — to sit with you. These people form your council.

Ask them:
Do you love me?
What do you hear them saying?

Invite your higher self to the table — the part of you beyond what you have or have not done, beyond success or failure.
Ask that part of you:
Do you love me?

Then invite your higher power, whatever that means to you, and ask the same question.

Finally ask:
What do I need to hear right now?

This practice, “Who’s at your table?”, is designed to help people reconnect to a sense of love, support, and meaning that goes deeper than everyday thinking.

Sometimes the tears come.
Sometimes they don’t.

But even when they don’t, something softens.
And that can be healing too.

Making Room for Feeling in a Noisy World

We live in a time when the world feels loud, uncertain, and overwhelming.
It is easy to stay in our heads and never let anything reach our hearts.

But, every once in a while, something breaks through.
A moment.
A memory.
A voice catching in the middle of a sentence.

And when that happens, it may not be weakness.
It may be the nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do.

Releasing.
Resetting.
Reminding us that we are human.

For help with this or something else, contact me at
weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,
Madelaine 

Kindness As Kind. Kindness As Mean?

National Random Acts of Kindness Day is February 17th.

A couple of weeks ago in January, we had that great big snowstorm. The pre-storm line at Trader Joe’s was a maze. I could see the end of it, by the cash register, but not the beginning—because there seemed to be several beginnings.

After I pulled my cart in behind what I thought was the last cart in line, a young man behind me, with a baby carriage, told me smugly that the line started somewhere else. So, I moved. Then it turned out he was wrong. So, I moved again, somewhere else. And this time he nodded, almost nicely, which I took as an acknowledgment, of having snapped at me in error, in the first place.

Then a woman near what I thought was the right place to stand chastised me for what she believed was my cutting in front of someone else—someone who happened to be the only woman of color in the area. And I will say, honestly, it felt to me like I was being accused of racism on this count.

So, I apologized and moved again, even though that woman had not been on my radar at all in this very crowded space—because she had no cart. Curious, I asked, “What happened to your cart?” She explained that she was with someone else who was shopping while she held their place in line.

Some might say that was kind of her. Although, she seemed a little sheepish explaining why she wasn’t exactly in line when I arrived. So maybe she didn’t think what she was doing was 100% kind. Maybe kind to her friend but not to any one else. Others might say that the woman who called me out was also acting out of kindness— protecting what she saw as someone else’s rights. Still, I have to say her reprimand didn’t feel to me at all kind.

Then I saw my neighbor. She had no cart and a bunch of bananas. I asked, “Wait—is that all you have?” When she said yes, I said, “Give me those bananas.”

Yes, I felt a twinge of guilt—but it was only bananas. Until she added celery. And then, because her family was going to ride out the storm in her apartment, she added chocolate pudding that her granddaughter loves, ground beef for chili, potato chips, seaweed snacks… and I forget what else.

By the time we reached the checkout, I suffered full-blown guilt. I only meant to be banana bunch kind, but wound up feeling anything but, having been complicit in this big fat cutting in line.

So you tell me: In all of this, who was kind and who was not? Complicated, isn’t it. 

And, it doesn’t take a genius to notice how this confusion about kindness extends to far larger arenas and issues than our grocery store line—pitting people against each other all over the place in ways that are anything but kind, even if and when they masquerade as exactly that.

3 Ways to Stand Down to Stand Up for Kindness

Way #1: Notice How Kindness Lands, Not Just How It’s Intended

Nearly everyone in that line was acting from their own sense of goodness—correcting, protecting, helping, accommodating. They meant well. The impact, however, was uneven. Simply noticing a potential difference between intent and experience feels like one way of standing down.

Way #2: Stepping Away from Moral Refereeing

In moments like these, it’s tempting to decide—quickly and confidently—who is good and who is wrong. But moral certainty often escalates situations rather than resolving them. Standing down can mean tolerating the discomfort of not declaring a winner.

Way #3: Control Only What Is Yours to Control

A client reminded me that I told him this on January 7th, after January 6th: Control only what you can. And what you can control does not include other people. It may also help—though it isn’t comforting—to remember that other people experience themselves as good and right too. He recently told me that this learning has helped him to bring together two large well-known companies—on opposite sides of the political spectrum—to produce products and services for the good of all. He now finds it his calling, and great pleasure, to be able to bridge gaps that so many others today feel they cannot.

ME: Good and Right. YOU: Bad and Wrong.

We all want to think we are good. Studies even show generosity and cooperation to be hardwired into the brain. But kindness is murky. Just as murky as our current moment, when nearly everyone believes they are the kind one—and anyone who may see and do things differently is not.

What may be kindness in the eyes of one can be suicidal empathy in the eyes of another—a form of compassion so certain of its own goodness that it cannot tolerate limits, disagreement, or unintended harm.

I don’t know how to fix this.

But perhaps standing down—especially on National Random Acts of Kindness Day and beyond—is less about performing goodness and more about resisting certainty. About leaving a little room for the possibility that others, too, believe they are acting in good faith.

Knowing this might just help us to at least do no harm. Your thoughts?

To work on this or something else, contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

What do you do when the people you love most seem blind to what matters most to you?

I have written before on the intensifying differences in our lives today. And I write again because I find one of the hardest emotional challenges in life—when we find ourselves on one side of a chasm, staring across at people you once felt completely connected to, and realizing they simply don’t see what you see.

They’re not bad people. In fact, they may be some of the most decent, caring people you know. But when it comes to certain issues—issues you see as urgent or even existential—it’s as if they’re living in another reality. The pain of that disconnection can feel like a quiet heartbreak, over and over again.

This dissonance isn’t new. In fact, psychologists call it selective perception—the brain’s tendency to filter out information that doesn’t match pre-existing beliefs. Ray Nickerson’s research on confirmation bias explains how even reasonable people can completely miss facts that don’t fit their worldview.

Here are five powerful truths that can help you find steadiness in the swirl of emotional complexity when those you love just don’t see the world the way you do.

1. It’s Not Just a Difference of Opinion—It’s a Difference of Reality

Disagreements about where to eat dinner or how to spend a weekend are one thing. But when your loved ones dismiss or minimize something you believe threatens the future, it stops feeling like a simple disagreement and starts to feel like you’re on separate planets.

Cognitive scientist George Lakoff explains that people don’t interpret facts neutrally—we use deeply ingrained metaphors and moral frames. That’s why two people can hear the same story and draw opposite conclusions. If someone sees your concern through a completely different frame, they may literally not register the urgency you feel.

2. The More You Care, the More It Hurts

If we didn’t care about them, it wouldn’t matter what they thought. But love sharpens the pain. Watching someone we care for deeply speak or act in a way that seems dangerously naïve, misinformed, or even hostile to what we value can feel like a form of grief.

Psychologist Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss—the kind of grief we feel when someone is physically present but emotionally or psychologically absent in some crucial way. It captures that unique ache of seeing someone you love shift into a worldview you can no longer share.

3. You May Be Right—and Still Be Alone in It

We might see patterns others are missing. We might have done more research. We might feel more connected to history’s warnings. But being right doesn’t always bring connection. In fact, it can isolate.

This echoes what some call the Cassandra complex—the torment of seeing what’s coming but being dismissed. Named after the Greek myth where Cassandra was cursed to see the future but never be believed, it reflects a painful truth: having insight doesn’t always create influence. Sometimes, it just makes us feel lonelier.

4. You Don’t Have to Convince to Stay Connected

Here’s the hard but hopeful truth: We can love people without agreeing with them. We can hold our own perspective firmly and still choose not to argue every point. We can let go of the fantasy that if we just explained it better, they’d finally get it.

In conflict resolution, this is called strategic disengagement. It’s not surrender—it’s a conscious decision to protect the relationship by not needing to win. Holding boundaries with grace is a strength, not a failure.

5. You Can Grieve the Divide Without Losing Yourself

When we realize a loved one doesn’t—and maybe won’t—see the world the way we do, there’s a subtle identity crisis that can follow. Who are we without that shared vision? Can we still belong? Are we safe?

Let yourself grieve that loss. But don’t let it pull you out of your own integrity.

We are still allowed to care deeply, speak clearly, and hold compassion for those who can’t or won’t join us in seeing what we see. Their denial does not invalidate our insight. Their fear does not diminish our clarity.

You are not alone, even if it sometimes feels that way. To discuss this or something else, Contact Me at madelaineweiss.com

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Unsplash

What Does Material Global Crisis Mean?

Today someone told me that he thought he needed to talk with someone because the state of our world was making it hard for him to sleep. The ‘idiocy’ of people who didn’t get it the way he did wasn’t helping either.

Well, of course, and for sure he is not the only one, given the potential for material crisis all over the place staring us all in the face, while everyone has an opinion, sure that they (and not you if you disagree) are right.

So, what is meant by “material crisis,” the wording used by the World Economic Forum in its Global Risks Report 2024:

As close to three billion people are expected to head to the electoral polls across several economies – including Bangladesh, India, Indonesia, Mexico, Pakistan, the United Kingdom and the United States – over the next two years, the widespread use of misinformation and disinformation, and tools to disseminate it, may undermine the legitimacy of newly elected governments. Resulting unrest could range from violent protests and hate crimes to civil confrontation and terrorism.

A material global crisis can have real-world, tangible impact. And here we are already. Our sense of security and social cohesion, our faith in information, institutions, and each other—all in the toilet—with looming economic, resource, environmental, societal, and other implications too big and scary to even imagine.

Moreover, as I have written before when our sense of crisis wasn’t even as bad as it is now, polarization makes people sick.

How Does Polarization Make Us Sick? 

First, let us note how Polarization has been on the rise:

Before Harry Truman ran for a full term in 1948, two-thirds of Democrats (68%) and even half of Republicans (50%) approved of his job performance. 

By the time of Richard Nixon in the White House, the gap between his party’s approval of him and the opposition party grew to 47 points.

By Barack Obama’s time, it expanded to 72 points. 

And for Donald Trump, it was 79 points, shrinking only by the slightest of margins to 77 points for Joe Biden.

Meanwhile, mental health is suffering. For some stats on this from the World Health Organization:

Mental health conditions are increasing worldwide.

13% rise in mental health conditions and substance use disorders in last decade (to 2017).

Around 20% of the world’s children and adolescents have a mental health condition, with suicide the second leading cause of death among 15-29-year-olds.

Two of the most common mental health conditions, depression and anxiety, cost the global economy US$ 1 trillion each year.

Now, here’s my take on the link between polarization and mental health, excerpted from an earlier post on this topic: 

It’s our story. Our central organizing principle. Everybody has one. Everybody needs one to function at all.

Just as the brain regulates body temperature, it regulates and simplifies sensory inputs so our brains don’t explode.

Alright, maybe that’s a bit much, but you all know what too much information feels like. It almost hurts, makes you want to take a nap, or a drink, or eat a bag of cookies, or something.  

It’s too much. Our little brains can’t work with all that, but we need something to work with so, by nature and by nurture, our brains pick and choose us a manageable view of the world and our place in it.

The best story I know to illustrate the point is The Elephant and The Blind Men. Six blind men are told that there is an elephant in the village. They all go to the elephant to ‘see’ with their hands what an elephant is. Each touches a different part of the elephant. Here’s what they said:

“Hey, the elephant is a pillar,” said the first man who touched his leg.

“Oh, no! it is like a rope,” said the second man who touched the tail.

“Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree,” said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.

“It is like a big hand fan” said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.

“It is like a huge wall,” said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.

“It is like a solid pipe,” Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant. 

And then they argued, each convinced that he was right. Because he was – but only partly.

And herein lies the rub that makes us so unwelcoming, if not downright hostile, to that which we cannot ourselves ‘see’. Six different stories, all of them true and only partly true, as many different stories as there are people in the world, one of which is yours.

When people are as stressed as so many are right now with good reason, they may operate in a chronic state of flight, flight, freeze—stress responses that can narrow our perspectives, make us sick, and alienate the very support we need to feel better and safer in the world.  

What Might Help? 

At the end of our conversation, I heard myself promise my friend that if he relieved himself of the mandate to convince the world to see things as he does, he might very well feel and sleep better—and be better able to do his good in the world. I said, “You do you and let them…” And he smiled. 

Here is an exercise that might help to get a grip on how judgy humans can be, especially when stressed.

The Judgment Room: https://acrobat.adobe.com/link/review?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:9058129f-985d-3b40-9ce3-6f6f3a6985fe

Practice, practice, practice…see what happens, and let us know.

Warmly,

Madelaine

Photo by Freepik

What are The Stats on Political Polarization?

In Social Science and Medicine, Northeastern University researchers report:

• Participants reporting increase in polarization had 52-57% higher odds of developing depressive disorders and anxiety disorders.
• Participants reporting high (vs. low) levels of perceived state-level mass (general public) polarization had 49% higher odds of depressive disorders.
• Participants who perceived high levels of state-level elite (party organizers and officials) polarization reported 71% higher odds of depressive disorders and 49% higher odds of sleep disorders.

So, wow, how come hardly anyone is talking about this link?

We are talking about a mental health crisis. For some stats on this from the World Health Organization:

• Mental health conditions are increasing worldwide.
• 13% rise in mental health conditions and substance use disorders in last decade (to 2017).
• Around 20% of the world’s children and adolescents have a mental health condition, with suicide the second leading cause of death among 15-29-year-olds.
• Two of the most common mental health conditions, depression and anxiety, cost the global economy US$ 1 trillion each year.

And, separately, we are also talking about the rise in political polarization. From NBC News, (for just a few markers, check out the article for more)

• Before Harry Truman ran for a full term in 1948, two-thirds of Democrats (68%) and even half of Republicans (50%) approved of his job performance. 
• By the time of Richard Nixon in the White House, the gap between his party’s approval of him and the opposition party grew to 47 points. 
• By Barack Obama’s time, it expanded to 72 points. 
• And for Donald Trump, it was 79 points, shrinking only by the slightest of margins to 77 points for Joe Biden.

So, we know that mental health challenges are rising. And we know that political polarization is rising. Maybe you will agree that it is time now to la good look at the link between the two.

How Does the Political Polarization-Mental Health Link Work?

Even pre-pandemic, in 2019, 19.86% of adult Americans reported a mental health challenge.

This health.com article gave 4 reasons why things appear to be going from bad to worse. They were:

1. Social Media
2. Covid-19
3. Isolation and Loneliness
4. Lack of Access to Care

Notice not a word about political polarization. To take it personally for a moment, when a news commentator asked, with a straight face, if “Strawberry” was actually a thing on a booking document, saying that he was not familiar with that option appearing on booking documents for hair color — I laughed.

I am sorry I laughed because this whole thing is not funny. And when I asked myself why I was laughing if it is not funny, I thought maybe it was nervous laughter.

Maybe a lot of us are nervous without even being aware, so instead we polarize. Instead, if ever there was a season of “I am right and good, and you are wrong and bad,” this is it.

You are wrong and bad and, when I am really nervous, you are ridiculously funny, as my psychological defense.

Business people describe the current state of our world as relentlessly VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous). Nerve wracking, that is.

The more stressed we are the more we drill down into our differences and huddle together with those who are trying to make sense of the world in the same way that we are ourselves. Singing to the choir as it is otherwise known. Political polarization.

Humans have a drive for sense-making that can make us hostile to alternative points of view that make our own seem to make less sense than we prefer to think. From an earlier post on this topic:

It’s our story. Our central organizing principle. Everybody has one. Everybody needs one to function at all. Just as the brain regulates body temperature, it regulates and simplifies sensory inputs so our brains don’t explode.  

Alright, maybe that’s a bit much, but you all know what too much information feels like. It almost hurts, makes you want to take a nap, or a drink, or eat a bag of cookies, or something.

It’s too much. Our little brains can’t work with all that, but we need something to work with so, by nature and by nurture, our brains pick and choose us a manageable view of the world and our place in it.

The best story I know to illustrate the point is The Elephant and The Blind Men. Six blind men are told that there is an elephant in the village. They all go to the elephant to ‘see’ with their hands what an elephant is. Each touches a different part of the elephant. Here’s what they said:

“Hey, the elephant is a pillar,” said the first man who touched his leg.

“Oh, no! it is like a rope,” said the second man who touched the tail.

“Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree,” said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.

“It is like a big hand fan” said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.

“It is like a huge wall,” said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.

“It is like a solid pipe,” Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.

And then they argued, each convinced that he was right. Because he was – but only partly. And herein lies the rub that makes us so unwelcoming, if not downright hostile, to that which we cannot ourselves ‘see’. Six different stories, all of them true and only partly true, as many different stories as there are people in the world, one of which is yours.

And just as an actor/actress has a script and role to play, so do we. That is, our story, which gives meaning and coherence to our lives, also directs our action, unless we actively, mindfully, intervene.

Exactly what we need to do. Intervene. Not so much with the other person, as with ourselves.

One of the 4 reasons given above for worsening mental health was “Isolation and Loneliness.” And yet, in an effort to secure ourselves psychologically, we are behaving in ways that are damaging us all socially, emotionally, and physically too.

My client, an elite partisan who suffered significant gastrointestinal issues, was convinced that her encounters with others opposed to her own view of the world were a major cause of her ill-health.

And many people, in general, are now operating in flight, flight, freeze mode—all stress responses that can both make us sick and alienate the very support we need to feel safer in the world. 

So, what can we do? 

What We Can Do

Actually, there are some things we can do. This is not always the case. But in this case, yes indeed there are some things we can do.

Last week we talked about mastering our mouths—how we can pause before we speak to make sure our thoughts pass the test of true, kind, necessary, and beneficial before any words come out of our mouths.

Another useful exercise is something I call The Judgment Room, on how judgy we humans are so we can begin to get a grip on our judginess for a better, safer world in which to live with each other.

Here is The Judgment Room link: https://acrobat.adobe.com/link/review?uri=urn:aaid:scds:US:9058129f-985d-3b40-9ce3-6f6f3a6985fe

Practice, practice, practice…see what happens, and let us know.

Warmly,

Madelaine

How Stressed Are We?

A 2022 APA poll found that almost 90% of American adults feel “like there has been a constant stream of crises without a break over the last two years…now reaching unprecedented levels of stress that will challenge our ability to cope.”

But not all stress is bad, and sometimes thinking that stress is bad can actually make it so. 

In other words, stress is not just an unwanted effect. The demonization of stress can be a cause of stress itself.

It’s like what they say about insomnia. That is, it is bad enough to not be able to sleep, but Sleep  Anxiety (anxiety that you won’t sleep, and/or anxiety that you didn’t sleep) is a pile on that just makes the insomnia even worse.

Same goes for stress. It is one thing to feel it, and quite another to feel stressed about feeling stressed.

So Wait, What is It?

For a more physiological explanation of the human system’s adaptation to the challenges upon it, click here. And, for everyday-speak on our experience of stress, try this below:

Stress is how we react when we feel under pressure or threatened. It usually happens when we are in a situation that we don’t feel we can manage or control.

To be sure, there are plenty of problems when it is a chronic condition, which is what happens when it is in charge of us instead of us in charge of it:

Stress can play a part in problems such as headaches, high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, skin conditions, asthma, arthritis, depression, and anxiety.

But what if we could not only lessen the impact, but convert some of it altogether into something good?

How to Lessen Stress

I have written before on a variety of ways that we can lessen the adverse impact of stress. For some examples:

– Sleep:

Not all executives sleep like an executive and, besides, Hougaard and Carter say it is a trainable skill for everyone, executive or not. So here are some of their tips:

• • “Catch the melatonin wave.” The window of opportunity for an easy sleep is when you start to feel drowsy around 10-11pm.
  • “Avoid Screens.” Come on, you know that. Cut it out.
  • “Enjoy only perceptual activities 60 minutes before bed.” Not activities that require conceptual thinking like intense conversations. They did not mention the other thing you might be wondering about. I would imagine whether it is perceptual or conceptual depends on how you go about it.
  • “Avoid eating two hours before bed.” What? Yeh, I’m sorry, activates blood and sugar flow, keeps us alert and awake. That’s what they said.
  • “Practice five minutes of mindfulness when you go to bed.” Of course.

– Food: 

One study showed how much food impacts mood. That is, people who ate more nutrient poor savoury snacks (crisps) tended to be more anxious and have more cognitive failures (e.g., forgetting), which then made them more anxious. Fruit, on the other hand, not how much but how often we ate fruit, seemed to correlate well lower depression and higher mental well-being scores.

– Sitting:

Studies of more than 1 million people found that, unless we are engaging in 60-75 minutes of moderately intense physical activity a day, sitting for 8 hours a day was as lethal as obesity and smoking….The Mayo Clinic recommends:

• • Take a break from sitting every 30 minutes.
  • Stand while talking on the phone or watching television.
  • If you work at a desk, try a standing desk — or improvise with a high table or counter.
  • Walk with your colleagues for meetings rather than sitting in a conference room.
  • Position your work surface above a treadmill — with a computer screen and keyboard on a stand or a specialized treadmill-ready vertical desk — so that you can be in motion throughout the day.

Okay, so those are some ways to lessen the adverse effects. But, how do we power up stress, and what do we even mean by power up?

How To Power Up Stress

The dictionary defines the term power up as “to begin to make good use of or take full advantage of” this thing we think of as bad. So here is a relatively new study on how stress can work for you. 

Albeit controversial, I think, the suggestion is that, when we show signs that we are stressed, people like us better and want to help.  On first read, this sounded like emotional manipulation. Not a fan. Whether you would like me better or not, I, for one, wouldn’t like myself.

But then, there was a deeper understanding presented that the strength to show our weakness indicates a willingness to give and receive cooperative interaction, a social plus for our species for which we are hardwired to respond well.

The authors did specify an “honest signal,” so maybe something to think about for those of us who don’t particularly want anyone to see our suffering.

That said, the one thing I think we all can do, without conflict or controversy, is this simple trick of the mind.

From now on, when we see or feel stress coming on (like a major new project, or family event), how about if we reframe it as a major opportunity to use it to full advantage. 

This hot off the presses study from the University of Georgia, found that “Some types of stress could be good for brain functioning: Low to moderate levels of stress may help build resilience while reducing risk of mental illness.”

The researchers found that there are some times, more than we might imagine, when stress can be an opportunity to:

• Sharpen cognitive abilities (e.g., attention, flexibility) that positively affect performance,
• Strengthen efficiency, effectiveness, and organization for performance excellence,
• And, lessen the risk of developing mental disorders,
• Because learning how to mastering the stress gives us the skill and confidence to deal with—and know we can deal with—stress in the future.

So next time we see something perceived as stressful coming down the pike, how about one simple trick or flip of the mind, as in, “Yay, I get to learn and grow stronger, bring it on.”

Try this one on, and let us know what you think.

Warmly,

Madelaine

Photo by Marek Piwnicki  Unsplash

“Do the Best Performers Really Give the Best Advice?”

And the answer from this new study was basically, ‘No, they do not’. Top performers gave more advice, but not better advice, likely because performing and advising are two different things.

Every day, more and more people leave their 9-5 jobs to advise other people on ‘how to’ whatever it is.

Even if they have actually succeeded at what they aim to teach, and too many have not, that still doesn’t mean they know how to teach.

Here is a list I found for 31 types of coaching:

1 Life Coaching

2 Business Coaching

3 Executive Coaching

4 Leadership Coaching

5 Performance Coaching

6 High-Performance Coaching

7 Career Coaching

8 Organizational Coaching

9 Relationship Coaching

10 Intimacy Coaching

11 Personal Development Coaching

12 Confidence Coaching

13 Strategy Coaching

14 Wellness Coaching

15 Group Coaching

16 Team Coaching

17 Success Coaching

18 Happiness Coaching

19 Empowerment Coaching

20 Social Coaching

21 Mental Health Coaching

22 Transformation Coaching

23 Somatic Coaching

24 Intuitive Coaching

25 Behavioral Coaching

26 Personality Coaching

27 Inspirational Coaching

28 Life-Transition Coaching

29 Career-Transition Coaching

30 Self-Love Coaching

31 Skills Coaching

And these don’t even specify lactation coaching, pet coaching, spiritual coaching…

The coaching industry, here in the U.S. alone, has already reached $14 Billion, and continues to grow year over year—meaning that a lot of people out there are seeking advice.

To be clear, as a classically trained psychotherapist, I had advice giving pretty much beat out of me a long time ago. Or at least they tried. Now too, coaching, as I understand and aim to practice it, is not advice giving either.

Actions and outcomes are more central in coaching than psychotherapy. But the actions and outcomes are to be generated by the client’s own wishes and dreams, goals, aspirations, values, interests—rather than my own.

Still, there are a lot of advice givers out there and, as the study suggests, it is not always good.

Beware Advice Givers

Elizbeth Scott, PhD, gives us 3 types of advice-giving motivations:

• Helpful Motives:                    Altruism, Friendliness, Excitement
• Less-Helpful Motives:          Neediness, Helplessness Message-Sending
• Very Unhelpful Motives:       Narcissism, Dominance, Judgment, Drama

Do visit the article to learn more. For here and now, please know that unsolicited advice can be very stressful, especially if it is more to pump up the advice giver at the receiver’s expense.

Even with the more genuinely caring varieties of advice givers, sometimes all we really want is for someone to listen, because we simply don’t have the bandwidth in that moment to process anything more. Click here for and earlier post on what great listening really is.

And, what is needed and works best is just the presence of another, something called ‘bearing witness’ that can go a long way in supporting another person as they sort through things on their own.

On the other hand, advice seeking is a good thing to do when it is a good thing to do. That would be when we are clear and open enough to process what comes our way.

And, let’s keep in mind that just because someone is considered (or considers themselves) an expert, doesn’t mean that what they have to say will land on us in a helpful. That remains to be–and should be—seen before we consider that person a truly trusted advisor.

The Power of Self-Advice

Forbes did a piece on how much better we are at giving great advice to other people than we are at giving great advice to ourselves. Freaks and Kross found, in a series of studies, that people who stepped mentally outside of themselves, as if advising another person, were 35% more likely to advise themselves well.

From another article, “Why You Should Talk To Yourself in the Third Person,” Illeism aka distanced self-talk can foster “better emotional regulation, self control, and even wisdom.”

I’ve heard elsewhere that we should even refer to ourselves by name.

Given we have 80K thoughts/day, 80% negative, 95% repetitive, Holly Hannah—or whatever your name is—sure seems worth a try, and let us know what you find! 

Warm wishes,

Madelaine

Phot by Pexels Cottonbro

The Art of Apology When You—Think—You’ve Done Nothing Wrong, I Should Say.

Just this week, someone (we’ll call him Dave) asked if we could discuss his apology to a family he believes he infected with Covid on a weekend visit with them at their home.

He said, of course, he did not mean to infect them on purpose. In fact, he tested negative right before he entered their home, and there were no known cases of Covid at the gathering he attended the week leading up to this visit.

In listening to this, it all of a sudden occurred to me that Covid has raised exactly this issue of how or whether to apologize when we know we have hurt another but don’t believe we have done anything wrong. And, in so doing, Covid has given us an opportunity to practice and get better at something not a a lot of us are all that good at.

This happens a lot, feeling a tug to apologize while feeling we have done nothing wrong. And, not just with Covid. Let’s say with lay-offs, breaks-ups, and other heart wrenching occasions of the kind. And, now that I think of it, a lot of people do struggle with how to do this well.

Even in the President’s first Covid presser, there was an air of defensiveness I thought—against the implication that his manner of physical greeting and affection might have put others at risk. More evasion than any sort of apology I thought.

Then again, some are saying that apology has become so commonplace, so over used and overdone, that it hardly even means anything anymore anyway.

Has Apology Run Amok?

Social scientists call it “Normative Dilution,” the term used in a New York Times piece by Pat Thomas: “He’s Sorry, She’s Sorry, Everybody is Sorry. Does it Matter?” Thomas tells us:

This month alone, we’ve seen apologies from:

Whoopi Goldberg​. Joe Rogan​. Joe Rogan’s boss. ​

Hal Rogers, ​representative from ​​Kentucky, who told ​a congressional colleague to “kiss my ass” ​when she asked him to put on a mask.

Glenn Youngkin, the governor of Virginia, for trolling a 17-year-old on Twitter and then again for mixing up two Black state senators.

The rapper Nelly, after he accidentally uploaded a video of a woman performing oral sex on him​​ to Instagram.

A defensive lineman for the Washington Commanders, ​for tweeting that he’d like to have dinner with Hitler.

A local Florida sheriff, who apologized to his wife for … well, it’s unclear, because the thing for which he was apologizing was never actually public, even if the apology was.

And this guy, an otherwise private individual, who angered enough people on Twitter when he joked, “if you’re someone who brings a book to a bar … nobody likes you,” that he delivered a mea culpa that was 27 times the length of the original offense.

The sum of it is that with everybody doing it, too often without even feeling it, nor even fully grasping what exactly they are apologizing for, many of the apologies are so useless that they render apology in general more than a bit suspect.

And yet, the author points to “plenty of evidence” that apologies can do us good. For example, 40% of patients, in one study, said had they received a physician apology they may not have sued.

I’m Sorry or I Care?

A physician once told me that the best way for a service provider to avoid lawsuits is simply to make sure the patient, the client, the customer… knows you care. From one of my earlier posts:

Take medical malpractice. Stuff happens in the world of medicine. And sometimes people sue, but less so when they have been granted the consideration, affirmation, respect, and dignity of an apology than when they have not.  

And that is where my client landed. Showing that he cared.

He had already apologized to the family for infecting the family, but did not come away feeling particularly forgiven when his host said she was not ready to respond “positive” yet.

What then would be the purpose of another apology? Or sending a gift; he considered that. To try again to make himself feel better? A lot of people apologize ad nauseam, if not grovel, to make themselves feel better, and I believe that is at least part of why so many apologies fail.

In this case, it seemed clear enough that, even though he had not meant them any harm, his host was in no mood to make him feel better while she and her whole family were feeling so bad.

If, however, he really did want them to know how much he cared about them and their relationship, he decided that he could check back in at some point to see how they are to let them know how much he cares.

Maybe you’ve had a situation of your own, where things went south without anyone doing anything wrong? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Warm wishes,

Madelaine

Photo by Pexels

World Gone Mad?

Resilience? Easier said than done? Just when we began to think we were going to finally come out of the darkness of the pandemic into some sun—then came the War on Ukraine.

Meanwhile, 32% of Americans are struggling to figure out things like what to wear.

Pandemic, threat of nuclear war, hungry babies with no formula, rising crime, mass shootings, inflation, gas prices, emptying grocery shelves, stock market plunging, ever deepening moral and political polarization…all against a backdrop of climate change:

More frequent and intense drought, storms, heat waves, rising sea levels, melting glaciers and warming oceans can directly harm animals, destroy the places they live, and wreak havoc on people’s livelihoods and communities. 

And then there are all the people who have to return to the office for a job they don’t like. And home buyers who can’t possibly afford anything right now, if ever.

Some people, for whatever reason, have it easier than some others—good health, food on the table, and such.  

But they may not be feeling so happy-go-lucky either; guilt makes that hard. So they tell me, and I feel it myself.

Plus, for them, too, the existential threats loom large, even if not consciously so, and no matter how well off they may be otherwise.

How This Affects Us

Last week I posted on Vicarious Trauma related to the War in Ukraine; from Bryan Robinson, Ph.D., in Forbes: 

Vicarious trauma or vicarious terror is a condition resulting from the bombardment of the central nervous system transmitted through observation, instead of direct personal contact, in this case from the media. People who observe violent acts often show the same symptoms of individuals who are direct targets of terror. The massive shock to the nervous system can create a sense of disintegration and fragmentation, coupled with intense emotions such as crying, shallow breathing or lashing out. Other aftereffects are often difficulty sleeping, heightened anxiety, sensitivity to loud noises or dissociation—an emotional and physical numbing state in which you feel separated, isolated or disconnected from yourself and others.

The energy it takes to regulate so much intense emotion adversely affects the efficiency and effectiveness of our decision making.

Just the other night, I attended a meeting where people were trying to decide whether and how to use a sign-up sheet for pizza for an event, and then, if so, where to put the sign-up sheet, and then at which point in time, before or during which segment of the event, to put the sign-up sheet out, with respect to regulating somehow who actually is eligible for the pizza.

As more than an aside, we had done the pizza thing before and it went fine, just the way it was. In fact, I mentioned that, like why reinvent the wheel, but still the discussion went on, and on, and on. 

This happened. About pizza. Among adults. At which point I leaned over to the woman next to me and said, “It appears we may be on the verge of WWIII, and we are talking about what?” To which she responded, “Whatever it takes.”

I believe she is right about that, whatever it takes. And that what it takes is resilience.  

Because, by the time we got to the more substantive items on the agenda, behavior unbecoming of mature adults was building, including and especially for me my own—behavior that I had not seen before from any of us in this particular group as a group.

In the end, the outcome was good, but it took me a day to bounce back. And that’s what resilience is about. Bouncing back, the sooner and more effectively the better.

Resilience in Troubled Times

Science says we have an information speed limit of about 120 bits of information/second, and that, since it takes 60 bits/second to pay attention to one person, we can’t really handle more than 2 people at a time. 

But here we are collectively stressed by the state of our world, having more meetings than ever, it seems, with way more people than 2. 

For all of this, we need what it takes, and what it takes is resilience.

Dr. Judith Rodin writes about resilience—the ability to more quickly and effectively bounce back, an urgent social and economic issue.  

There are plenty of tips online for how we, as individuals and organizations, can become more resilient.

Dr. Rodin specifies: Awareness, Diversity, Integration, Self-regulation, Adaptability. You can read more about these here. 

Or you can look at “5 Ways to Bounce Back…” here or “10 Ways…” here. 

Patel’s “8 Ways Successful People Master Resilience” in Entrepreneur includes 2 ways that I want to highlight here: #1 Build a Circle of Trust, and #8 Find Everyday Joys.

In way #1, Patel points out that having caring relationships is a primary factor in resilience.

And, after our let’s say…high intensity meeting, it really was deeply touching to observe how many people were reaching out to each other just to make sure everyone was okay.

For Patel’s way #8 on Everyday Joys…this week I gave a talk with a Q/A at the end. The host told us that a Ukrainian mom in Poland with her kids, while the husband was fighting in Ukraine, posted in the chat room that she had a comment, not a question, for us all:

Enjoy Life.

So beautiful. So simple. So important. So yes, when the going gets rough in the moment at work, or home, or wherever we may roam: let’s take a deep breath and, when we can get back up, forgive each other, support each other, and in whatever ways we can, big and small—Enjoy Life. 

Sometimes it’s as simple as pizza, and if we can keep that simple even better.

What is it for you? What simple things can you add or subtract each day, for yourself and maybe others too, to help you Enjoy Life in these troubled times?

Warmly,

Madelaine

Photo by Pexels Singkham