What Happened?

The other night I watched a strong and wise man tear up in the middle of his remarks.
And I completely fell apart.

It felt like something that had been building for a long time, with everything going on in the world — the noise, the uncertainty, the sense that we are all carrying more than we show.

My mother would have called it a good cry.
But these days, a lot of people don’t think there is anything good about crying at all.

3 Reasons We Don’t or Won’t Cry

Research suggests that many adults rarely cry, and some even describe themselves as “non-criers.” Most people who hold their tears intend to do it for one of three reasons.

1. We were taught crying means weakness
   Many of us grew up hearing things like “don’t cry,” “be strong,” or “keep it together.” I have written myself on the benefits of staying positive, and more recently on all about living well no matter what, with those adorable happy faces. Over time, though, the nervous system can learn,  inadvertently, how to shut down emotion before tears can ever start.
2. We are afraid of losing control
   Some people worry that if they start crying, they won’t be able to stop. So, they hold everything in instead. Research on emotional suppression shows that pushing feelings down can increase stress in the body rather than reduce it.
3. We don’t feel safe enough to let go
   Crying requires a sense of emotional safety. When life feels uncertain, overwhelming, or tense, the body stays in alert mode — and tears don’t come easily.

3 Reasons Crying May Actually Help

Others strongly disagree with the idea that crying is bad for us. In fact, research suggests tears may serve an important psychological and biological purpose.

1. Crying helps calm the nervous system
   Studies suggest emotional crying may activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the part responsible for recovery and regulation.
2. Crying may release soothing brain chemicals
   Crying has been associated with the release of oxytocin and endorphins, chemicals linked to relief, bonding, and emotional regulation.
3. Crying helps us process emotion instead of storing it
   When feelings are held in, the body stays tense. When feelings move through, people often report feeling clearer, calmer, or more grounded afterward.

What If You Can’t Cry? Try This

I’m lucky — I can cry.

But what if you can’t?
Or what if the feelings are there, but the tears won’t move?

At a Harvard Medical School conference last week, Lisa Miller, Ph.D., led us through an exercise that was surprisingly touching. It wasn’t about forcing emotion. It was about creating the kind of inner safety where emotion can happen.

Take a moment to calm your body and mind. Close your eyes and take a few slow breaths.

Now imagine a table in front of you. This is your table. You may invite anyone who truly has your best interest in mind — living or deceased — to sit with you. These people form your council.

Ask them:
Do you love me?
What do you hear them saying?

Invite your higher self to the table — the part of you beyond what you have or have not done, beyond success or failure.
Ask that part of you:
Do you love me?

Then invite your higher power, whatever that means to you, and ask the same question.

Finally ask:
What do I need to hear right now?

This practice, “Who’s at your table?”, is designed to help people reconnect to a sense of love, support, and meaning that goes deeper than everyday thinking.

Sometimes the tears come.
Sometimes they don’t.

But even when they don’t, something softens.
And that can be healing too.

Making Room for Feeling in a Noisy World

We live in a time when the world feels loud, uncertain, and overwhelming.
It is easy to stay in our heads and never let anything reach our hearts.

But, every once in a while, something breaks through.
A moment.
A memory.
A voice catching in the middle of a sentence.

And when that happens, it may not be weakness.
It may be the nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do.

Releasing.
Resetting.
Reminding us that we are human.

For help with this or something else, contact me at
weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,
Madelaine 

Kindness As Kind. Kindness As Mean?

National Random Acts of Kindness Day is February 17th.

A couple of weeks ago in January, we had that great big snowstorm. The pre-storm line at Trader Joe’s was a maze. I could see the end of it, by the cash register, but not the beginning—because there seemed to be several beginnings.

After I pulled my cart in behind what I thought was the last cart in line, a young man behind me, with a baby carriage, told me smugly that the line started somewhere else. So, I moved. Then it turned out he was wrong. So, I moved again, somewhere else. And this time he nodded, almost nicely, which I took as an acknowledgment, of having snapped at me in error, in the first place.

Then a woman near what I thought was the right place to stand chastised me for what she believed was my cutting in front of someone else—someone who happened to be the only woman of color in the area. And I will say, honestly, it felt to me like I was being accused of racism on this count.

So, I apologized and moved again, even though that woman had not been on my radar at all in this very crowded space—because she had no cart. Curious, I asked, “What happened to your cart?” She explained that she was with someone else who was shopping while she held their place in line.

Some might say that was kind of her. Although, she seemed a little sheepish explaining why she wasn’t exactly in line when I arrived. So maybe she didn’t think what she was doing was 100% kind. Maybe kind to her friend but not to any one else. Others might say that the woman who called me out was also acting out of kindness— protecting what she saw as someone else’s rights. Still, I have to say her reprimand didn’t feel to me at all kind.

Then I saw my neighbor. She had no cart and a bunch of bananas. I asked, “Wait—is that all you have?” When she said yes, I said, “Give me those bananas.”

Yes, I felt a twinge of guilt—but it was only bananas. Until she added celery. And then, because her family was going to ride out the storm in her apartment, she added chocolate pudding that her granddaughter loves, ground beef for chili, potato chips, seaweed snacks… and I forget what else.

By the time we reached the checkout, I suffered full-blown guilt. I only meant to be banana bunch kind, but wound up feeling anything but, having been complicit in this big fat cutting in line.

So you tell me: In all of this, who was kind and who was not? Complicated, isn’t it. 

And, it doesn’t take a genius to notice how this confusion about kindness extends to far larger arenas and issues than our grocery store line—pitting people against each other all over the place in ways that are anything but kind, even if and when they masquerade as exactly that.

3 Ways to Stand Down to Stand Up for Kindness

Way #1: Notice How Kindness Lands, Not Just How It’s Intended

Nearly everyone in that line was acting from their own sense of goodness—correcting, protecting, helping, accommodating. They meant well. The impact, however, was uneven. Simply noticing a potential difference between intent and experience feels like one way of standing down.

Way #2: Stepping Away from Moral Refereeing

In moments like these, it’s tempting to decide—quickly and confidently—who is good and who is wrong. But moral certainty often escalates situations rather than resolving them. Standing down can mean tolerating the discomfort of not declaring a winner.

Way #3: Control Only What Is Yours to Control

A client reminded me that I told him this on January 7th, after January 6th: Control only what you can. And what you can control does not include other people. It may also help—though it isn’t comforting—to remember that other people experience themselves as good and right too. He recently told me that this learning has helped him to bring together two large well-known companies—on opposite sides of the political spectrum—to produce products and services for the good of all. He now finds it his calling, and great pleasure, to be able to bridge gaps that so many others today feel they cannot.

ME: Good and Right. YOU: Bad and Wrong.

We all want to think we are good. Studies even show generosity and cooperation to be hardwired into the brain. But kindness is murky. Just as murky as our current moment, when nearly everyone believes they are the kind one—and anyone who may see and do things differently is not.

What may be kindness in the eyes of one can be suicidal empathy in the eyes of another—a form of compassion so certain of its own goodness that it cannot tolerate limits, disagreement, or unintended harm.

I don’t know how to fix this.

But perhaps standing down—especially on National Random Acts of Kindness Day and beyond—is less about performing goodness and more about resisting certainty. About leaving a little room for the possibility that others, too, believe they are acting in good faith.

Knowing this might just help us to at least do no harm. Your thoughts?

To work on this or something else, contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

Living well is the best revenge, meaning what?

There’s a well-known Hebrew saying: Living well is the best revenge. It’s often misunderstood, as if thriving were meant to provoke or diminish others. It isn’t. It’s moral. It’s strong. And in a world where envy, distortion, and takedowns are increasingly normalized, it may even be a responsibility—perhaps a calling—to stand well and live fully anyway.

Yes, living well can make some people angry. That discomfort, however, doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It may mean you’re doing something right.

As de Balzac put it so piercingly: “How natural it is to destroy what we cannot possess, to deny what we do not understand, and to insult what we envy!” Modern psychology backs him up. A broad review of social comparison and envy confirms that comparing oneself to others is a common experience and can negatively affect well-being, especially when people focus on upward comparisons.

A striking illustration of this goes beyond humans. As I wrote in an earlier post, another study finds that a monkey will topple another monkey’s table of food if the first monkey thinks the second monkey got more. “This, of course, suggests that the roots of punishing envy are more deeply embedded in our psyches than we may know.” You can read more in my piece, What to Do About Envy.

But humans are also dimensionally different. We have choice, awareness, and the capacity to transcend base reactions. That’s where living well becomes both strategy and service.

Here are five practical ways to live well—deliberately, visibly, and without apology.

1. Redefine “Revenge” as Resolve

Living well isn’t about outperforming someone who hurt you. It’s about resolve—the decision to stay oriented toward what strengthens you rather than what drains you. Research on well-being consistently shows that chronic resentment and rumination undermine both mental and physical health, while meaning-driven choices and forward focus support resilience and long-term vitality.

Practice: When resentment shows up, pause and ask: What would strengthen me right now? Then choose the action that builds capacity, clarity, and forward momentum—rather than one that keeps you tethered to old grievances.

2. Stop Shrinking to Manage Other People’s Feelings

Many people—especially women and those in visible or leadership roles—learn to downplay success to avoid triggering envy or discomfort in others. But research shows that habitually silencing oneself in relationships and social settings is associated with increased anxiety, depression, and reduced well-being.

Envy doesn’t disappear when you shrink; it simply finds new targets. To be fair, shrinking can buy temporary quiet. But it does so at a cost. Over time, that tradeoff erodes energy, confidence, and contribution.

Envy isn’t neutralized by your silence. It just asks you to become smaller.

Practice: State your work and accomplishments plainly, without exaggeration or apology. Quiet confidence isn’t arrogance—it’s clarity.

3. Live Well Publicly, Not Performatively

There’s a difference between living well for show and living well in truth. The former seeks validation, the latter models possibility. Research on behavioral modeling shows that people learn not only through instruction but by observing others’ actions and outcomes, a dynamic central to Bandura’s Social Learning Theory, which helps explain how visible positive behavior encourages healthier norms in groups.

Practice: Pick one visible habit that reflects your values—movement, learning, service, creativity—and keep it steady. Consistency speaks louder than explanations.

4. Understand the Source of the Pushback

Not all criticism is envy—but envy often disguises itself as moral outrage or “concern.” When people feel threatened, they may reinterpret information in ways that protect their self-image or sense of identity rather than engaging openly with what’s actually being said. Recognizing this helps you respond wisely instead of defensively.

You don’t need to convince those who are invested in misunderstanding you.

Practice: Sort feedback into two buckets: useful signal and emotional noise. Respond only to the former.

5. Treat Living Well as a Responsibility

If you have resilience, perspective, or the means to create a good life, hiding it doesn’t make the world fairer. It makes it poorer. Research on post-traumatic growth suggests that meaning-making and visible strength can help people orient toward hope after stress and hardship.

Living well—ethically, generously, and with spine—is not self-indulgence. It is contribution.

Practice: Ask “Who benefits when I stand strong and well?” Let that answer steady you when the pressure to dim yourself appears.

Living well won’t win you universal approval. It may provoke discomfort in those who feel exposed by steadiness, clarity, or joy. But shrinking yourself to avoid envy hands others authorship over your life—and quietly diminishes who you are and what you contribute.

Living well is not retaliation. It is resolve—the resolve to remain expansive rather than shrink, grounded rather than bitter, and open rather than hidden, secure in what is healthy and whole.

And in times like these, that resolve isn’t just admirable—it may just be what the moment demands.

Love, and Happy New Year,

Madelaine

How Heavy Is It?

Maybe you’ve heard this story. It’s so good. Bears repeating. Here goes…

A professor once held up a glass of water and asked the class that very question.

“Eight ounces?” someone guessed. “Maybe twelve?” another said.

The teacher smiled and replied, “It doesn’t matter how heavy it is. What matters is how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s fine. An hour, my arm will ache. A day, and I’ll collapse. The weight doesn’t change—but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels.”

We’ve all heard versions of this story before—but it bears repeating because every one of us carries invisible glasses of our own. The worries, the deadlines, the what ifs. The longer we hold them, the heavier they feel.

It’s Not What Happens, It’s How We Hold It

Modern science is catching up with that timeless lesson. Stress, it turns out, isn’t just about what happens to us—it’s about how we hold what happens.

The American College of Lifestyle Medicine (2025) defines stress as a whole-body experience involving biology, psychology, and environment. When a challenge arises, hormones like cortisol and adrenaline surge to help us act. But when the “on” switch stays stuck, the system wears down. Chronic stress has been linked to inflammation, sleep problems, depression, and heart disease.

Even more interesting, recent research shows that how we interpret stress can change its impact. People who view stress as a signal to pause, breathe, and regroup recover faster than those who see it as purely harmful. Mindset matters—not just emotionally, but biologically.

Why It Feels Heavier Now

If you’ve felt more tense lately, you’re far from alone. A 2025 Managed Healthcare Executive report found that workplace stress and performance pressure are at record highs. “Nearly one in four young adults now report significant symptoms of burnout, according to the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America report.”

Outside of work, families are facing what The Guardian called a “stress crisis” tied to financial, health, and housing insecurity. And our kids and grandkids aren’t immune—student surveys show rising anxiety about everything from grades to global issues.

It’s as if everyone is holding their glass just too long.

What Happens When We Don’t Put the Glass Down

When stress becomes chronic, the nervous system forgets what “safe” feels like. The body stays on high alert—tight muscles, shallow breathing, scattered focus. It’s adaptive for a moment but exhausting over time.

Think of cortisol like caffeine: a little helps you focus; a constant drip leaves you jittery, sleepless, and drained. That’s the allostatic load—the wear and tear the body endures when recovery never happens.

As a psychotherapist and coach, I’ve seen how invisible this load can be. People think they’re fine until one small frustration—the email, the delay, the disagreement—tips them over. It’s not the event that breaks them; it’s the weight of everything they’ve been holding all along.

5 Science-Backed Ways to Lighten the Load

The good news is that stress is one of the most modifiable health risks we face. We can’t avoid all triggers, but we can change how we respond to them.

1. Small Pauses, Big Payoff

The 2025 UCS found that even five-minute “micro-moments” of rest—breathing, stretching, or quiet reflection—significantly improved mood and lowered perceived stress. You don’t need an hour of meditation; one mindful minute, repeated often, counts.

2. Move the Body, Free the Mind

Exercise remains one of the most powerful stress relievers. A brisk walk can lower cortisol within 20 minutes. Don’t think of movement as another task—think of it as emptying the glass a little before it spills.

3. Social Connect

The ACLM now recognizes social connection as a core pillar of stress management. A laugh with a friend, a quick call, or a shared meal all help to regulate hormones through oxytocin and parasympathetic activation.

4. Reframe, Don’t Deny

Pushing stress away doesn’t work—it just lodges deeper. Try naming it instead: This is stress, and my body’s doing its job. That simple acknowledgment engages the thinking brain and restores perspective.

5. Sleep Is Sacred

No amount of coffee can outthink a tired brain. Rest is recovery, not laziness. Quality sleep restores hormonal balance, clears emotional clutter, and lets the body repair the damage stress can cause.

For practical tips, the CDC’s “Managing Stress” guide offers accessible ways to reset during the day. And here is a fav of mine called One-Touch that I have written about before

The Challenge for High-Achievers

Many high-achievers—especially those who care deeply about doing things right—resist rest because it feels unproductive. But rest isn’t idleness; it’s essential maintenance.

When you rest, your nervous system recalibrates. Your thinking sharpens. Your ability to make decisions improves. Your emotional bandwidth returns.
And the problems that felt overwhelming suddenly become workable again.

The Reframe: Stress Isn’t the Villain

What if it’s a message rather than the villain we think it is?

What if it’s a message that Something needs attention. Maybe it’s too much, too fast, or too constant. When we listen, we can adjust. When we ignore it, it only grows louder.

The point isn’t to live a stress-free life—that’s not realistic. The point is to recognize it for what it is: information, not identity.

The weight of the glass, after all, was never the problem. The problem was forgetting or refusing to put it down.

The Real Lesson

Ask yourself: What’s in your glass today?

What thoughts, worries, or responsibilities are you carrying today that you could set down for another day, if not forever?

Take a breath. Stretch your shoulders. Call someone who makes you laugh. Step outside and feel the air. The science is clear: we were never meant to hold everything all the time.

So find something to set down. Rest your arm. You can always pick it back up if and when that’s the right thing to do.

And for help with this or something else contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

Why it’s Not Always Rude—Especially if Someone’s Wired for Depth.

The other day, I interrupted someone mid-sentence. She was talking—I can’t remember what it was about—when we walked right past a jazz club in our neighborhood that I’d noticed many times but never visited. Without thinking, I blurted, “Have you ever been there?”

It wasn’t meant to be rude, although her stiffening clearly indicated she was not happy to have been cut off that way. Later, I reflected on it and don’t believe that I was trying to hijack the conversation—but rather was trying to rescue it—and possibly guide it somewhere more alive.

Fyi, there are studies showing how unsatisfactory many participants find conversation to be. And, it turns out, a lot of people interrupt—not to be rude, but to reach for something more meaningful. So while it is often labeled a conversational no-no, context and intent matter. Not all interruptions are created equal.

Here are three surprising reasons people interrupt—and a few ways to do it better, with more awareness and grace.

1. They’re Reaching for Depth, Not Attention

Sometimes an interruption comes from two directions at once.

• Unconscious: a restless reflex to cut things short. Introverts especially can get antsy on the surface of things — small talk can feel like noise they need to escape.
• Conscious: a deliberate pull toward something richer. Introverts are wired for depth, so when they sense the chance for a more meaningful exchange, they may jump in to suggest a shift. That jazz club, for example, wasn’t just a landmark. It was a doorway into something potentially richer to share than, let’s say, a story about a friend’s friend from five years ago.

Seen this way, it isn’t about grabbing attention but about guiding the moment toward depth.

A more intentional approach:
→ “Could we pause here for a sec? There’s something I’d love to ask you about where we are when you’re finished.”
This can make the redirection feel like an invitation instead of an intrusion.

2. They’re Afraid of Losing the Thought

For deep thinkers or anyone who processes a lot internally — ideas often flash in and out quickly. Breaking in can be less about impatience and more about urgency: the need to hold on to something important before it vanishes.

A helpful alternative:
→ Jot the thought down or mentally bookmark it. Then return later with:
“Can I circle back to something you said earlier? It really stuck with me.”
This signals respect, while still honoring the spark.

3. They’re Seeking Emotional Connection

Not every interruption is about ideas. Sometimes it’s about the emotional current. The conversation may have plenty of substance but still feel flat — like two people talking at each other instead of with each other.

In that case, it isn’t only about experiential depth (#1). It’s about making the moment warmer, more human. It’s a way of saying: “I want us to feel connected while we talk.”

A graceful shift:
→ “That’s interesting — what does it mean for you?”
This reorients the exchange toward presence and personal connection, rather than just continuing the flow of information.

So It’s Not Always Rude—It’s Often Real

Sure, some interruptions are careless or self-centered. But many come from a very human place—a desire to contribute, to connect, to make the moment matter.

Especially for those who think deeply and feel intensely, the urge to influence the direction of the conversation may come, not from the ego, but from the heart.

It helps to distinguish, then, between interruption as ego and interruption as engagement. When the goal is meaningful connection with ideas and people, the key isn’t silence—it’s sensitivity. 

People don’t necessarily need to stop entirely. They may just need to interrupt better.

So next time someone interrupts—or next time you do—it might be worth asking:
Was that a disruption?
Or an invitation?

For help with this or something else, contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com   

I’m working on it too. 😊

Love,

Madelaine

What do you do when the people you love most seem blind to what matters most to you?

I have written before on the intensifying differences in our lives today. And I write again because I find one of the hardest emotional challenges in life—when we find ourselves on one side of a chasm, staring across at people you once felt completely connected to, and realizing they simply don’t see what you see.

They’re not bad people. In fact, they may be some of the most decent, caring people you know. But when it comes to certain issues—issues you see as urgent or even existential—it’s as if they’re living in another reality. The pain of that disconnection can feel like a quiet heartbreak, over and over again.

This dissonance isn’t new. In fact, psychologists call it selective perception—the brain’s tendency to filter out information that doesn’t match pre-existing beliefs. Ray Nickerson’s research on confirmation bias explains how even reasonable people can completely miss facts that don’t fit their worldview.

Here are five powerful truths that can help you find steadiness in the swirl of emotional complexity when those you love just don’t see the world the way you do.

1. It’s Not Just a Difference of Opinion—It’s a Difference of Reality

Disagreements about where to eat dinner or how to spend a weekend are one thing. But when your loved ones dismiss or minimize something you believe threatens the future, it stops feeling like a simple disagreement and starts to feel like you’re on separate planets.

Cognitive scientist George Lakoff explains that people don’t interpret facts neutrally—we use deeply ingrained metaphors and moral frames. That’s why two people can hear the same story and draw opposite conclusions. If someone sees your concern through a completely different frame, they may literally not register the urgency you feel.

2. The More You Care, the More It Hurts

If we didn’t care about them, it wouldn’t matter what they thought. But love sharpens the pain. Watching someone we care for deeply speak or act in a way that seems dangerously naïve, misinformed, or even hostile to what we value can feel like a form of grief.

Psychologist Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss—the kind of grief we feel when someone is physically present but emotionally or psychologically absent in some crucial way. It captures that unique ache of seeing someone you love shift into a worldview you can no longer share.

3. You May Be Right—and Still Be Alone in It

We might see patterns others are missing. We might have done more research. We might feel more connected to history’s warnings. But being right doesn’t always bring connection. In fact, it can isolate.

This echoes what some call the Cassandra complex—the torment of seeing what’s coming but being dismissed. Named after the Greek myth where Cassandra was cursed to see the future but never be believed, it reflects a painful truth: having insight doesn’t always create influence. Sometimes, it just makes us feel lonelier.

4. You Don’t Have to Convince to Stay Connected

Here’s the hard but hopeful truth: We can love people without agreeing with them. We can hold our own perspective firmly and still choose not to argue every point. We can let go of the fantasy that if we just explained it better, they’d finally get it.

In conflict resolution, this is called strategic disengagement. It’s not surrender—it’s a conscious decision to protect the relationship by not needing to win. Holding boundaries with grace is a strength, not a failure.

5. You Can Grieve the Divide Without Losing Yourself

When we realize a loved one doesn’t—and maybe won’t—see the world the way we do, there’s a subtle identity crisis that can follow. Who are we without that shared vision? Can we still belong? Are we safe?

Let yourself grieve that loss. But don’t let it pull you out of your own integrity.

We are still allowed to care deeply, speak clearly, and hold compassion for those who can’t or won’t join us in seeing what we see. Their denial does not invalidate our insight. Their fear does not diminish our clarity.

You are not alone, even if it sometimes feels that way. To discuss this or something else, Contact Me at madelaineweiss.com

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Unsplash

A Simple Act That Stopped Me Cold

Last week, I joined a group effort to pack medical supplies for people in urgent need. It was a simple operation—assembling kits, labeling boxes, lining things up so they could be delivered as efficiently as possible. The room was full of people as still and focused as I was. Since our leaders emphasized the importance of the exactness of the count and precision in packing, this stillness did not surprise me. But what did surprise me was how often I caught myself staring at my hands.

They were just doing what hands do: lifting, folding, placing. But there was something about watching them move—something I couldn’t stop thinking about. It wasn’t just that they were busy. It was that they were being of use.

The Evolutionary Power of Our Hands

From an evolutionary psychology perspective, there’s a lot to make of that.

Our hands are among the most uniquely human parts of us. They’re not just tools; they’re extensions of our will, our emotion, and even our spirit. Evolution gave us opposable thumbs and fine motor control so we could manipulate the world around us—not only to survive, but to create. We use our hands to build shelters, paint murals, cook meals, cradle newborns, and comfort the grieving. In many ways, our hands are how we make our humanity visible.

Wired to Serve, Built to Belong

When we use our hands for service, especially in response to crisis or need, something inside us seems to settle into place. It feels right. It feels true. That’s not accidental; it’s deeply biological.

Evolution favored cooperation and care because those traits helped early humans survive. We are wired to help our group, especially to protect those we see as ours. And when we do that—even in small ways—our brains reward us with a sense of connection, belonging, and meaning.

The Emotional Pulse of Helping

That’s what I felt, packing those supplies.

I felt the heart part, too. The emotional pull. The sense of urgency, tenderness, and connection. These weren’t just boxes—they were lifelines. And while I may not have known the faces of the people receiving them, I could feel a sense of universal humanity. It was as if, through the simple use of my hands, I was reaching across time and distance to say: I see you. I care.

Often, when I’d finish a task and wasn’t sure what to do next—because of language differences—I’d simply stand there with my palms up and open. That simple gesture somehow said everything: I’m here, I’m ready, I’m with you. No words were needed.

There’s something primal about that feeling. Evolutionary psychologists call it “prosocial behavior”—acts of kindness and support that strengthen the bonds between people. And when those acts happen under pressure, they can even become sacred.

How the Brain Finds Meaning in Motion

But perhaps the most fascinating part is what the brain does with all of this.

Our minds are meaning-making machines. They’re constantly watching, interpreting, and building narratives. As I watched my hands move, I realized that something deeper was happening. My brain was writing a story—not just about what I was doing, but about who I was: This is who you are. This is what you’re meant for. This is how you help.

The Sweet Spot: Head, Heart, and Hands Aligned

When action, emotion, and meaning come into alignment like that, we experience what some psychologists call “existential coherence”—a deep inner sense that life makes sense, even just for a moment. And those moments, while often fleeting, can shift something fundamental in us.

We live in a time when it’s easy to feel disconnected. There’s so much noise, distraction, and division. But when we stop, even briefly, to offer our hands—to serve, to comfort, to build—we reconnect not only with others, but with ourselves. Just as I felt when I once, a long time ago, helped build a child’s bedroom via Habitat for Humanity, and just as I feel very Friday morning when I make sandwiches for the hungry, we remember that we are part of something bigger. That our small acts matter. That we matter and so do they.

What We Hold Is Who We Are

In that simple moment—hands moving, heart open, mind still—I touched something ancient, and something profoundly personal: the timeless human need to be of use.

There is more on the power of our hands in my book Getting to G.R.E.A.T.—on how our hands reflect not just what we do, but who we are becoming. Writing this reminded me again: when we engage our hands in service, aligned with our hearts and minds, we come closer to the life we’re meant to live.

Thank you for reading and being part of this journey with me. To discuss this or something else, in the context of your own life, please do not hesitate to contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Freepik

What is going on? So many are asking. It reminds me of something someone once told me—that I was much better in a crisis than when things were just swimming along. I’ve evened out emotionally over the years, so I’m not sure if that’s still true. But I do see it in some of my clients right now. Better in a crisis, that is.

First, let’s define crisis. According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, it’s “a situation that is extremely difficult or dangerous, when there are many problems.”

I also have a definition from my training: a crisis is when what used to work, doesn’t work anymore. By that definition, many people feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under them—what used to work doesn’t work anymore.

And yet… others are having breakthroughs.

So why is that? Here’s my take—it has to do with locus of control. The more out-of-control things (and our emotional reactions to them) seem, the more some can see where their control does and does not lie.

That clarity can be a very good thing. Here’s how it works (from a piece I posted around the outbreak of the Ukrainian War).

What is Locus of Control?

Locus of control (LOC), first defined by psychologist Julian Rotter in 1966, is our perception of the causes of the events and experiences in our lives.

External LOC is a perception that things are happening to us, that our successes and failures are caused by factors external to us.

People with internal LOC, by contrast, do not think things happen to them by luck or fate.

Rather, they have a sense of ‘agency’. They see themselves in control of whether they succeed or fail in work and life. This means, above all, having control over ourselves—because sometimes we exercise our so called ‘agency’ just to reassure our shaky selves when anxiety rules the day.

Here is an earlier post for that.

But let’s also be clear that, when we say internal LOC, we are not talking about an internalized version of someone else’s ideas for us. It is, rather, that deeper and truer internal voice of our own. 

This does not mean, however, that the voices of valued others are not in the mix along the way of our lives. Scott Mautz distinguishes between “solo-powered” and “solar-powered” to make the point that in-control people draw on the “heat and energy” of others, precisely because they understand it is not possible to control things all by themselves.

Internal versus External LOC

High internal LOC (“There is something I can do”) has been found to exceed external LOC (“It’s all out of my hands”) on a variety of parameters that matter to us. These include: general happiness, healthier lifestyles, less obesity, academic success, greater confidence, and lower stress levels.

Other benefits of high internal LOC include: 136% of employees more likely to love their career, 148% more likely to recommend their company as great to work for, and 113% more likely to give their best effort at work.

As with most if not all human traits, we are all likely somewhere along a continuum with external LOC on one end and internal LOC on the other. Thus, it can be said that we are each, in general, relatively high or low, internal or external, LOC.

Where is Your Locus of Control?

Now you want to know which one you are? Here below is how you can tell whether you are dominant internal or external LOC.

Internal Locus of Control

• • Are more likely to take responsibility for their actions
  • Tend to be less influenced by the opinions of other people
  • Often do better at tasks when they are allowed to work at their own pace
  • Usually, have a strong sense of self-efficacy
  • Tend to work hard to achieve the things they want
  • Feel confident in the face of challenges
  • Tend to be physically healthier
  • Report being happier and more independent
  • Often achieve greater success in the workplace

External Locus of Control

• • Blame outside forces for their circumstances
  • Often credit luck or chance for any successes
  • Don’t believe that they can change their situation through their own efforts
  • Frequently feel hopeless or powerless in the face of difficult situations
  • Are more prone to experiencing learned helplessness

There is a time and a place for everything, including external LOC. Let’s say whatever has gone bad really was outside of your control. Putting all the responsibility on the self, true or not, can damage self-esteem enough to interfere with believing there is anything we can do about anything at all.

How to Regulate Locus of Control

That said, given the benefits of internal LOC, here is a 5-step adaptation of an exercise I found online to help us get more internal LOC when we need it:

 1. Imagine a situation over which you feel you have no control.

2. Make a list of all the things in this situation that you do not control.

3. Make a list of aspects of the situation that you do control. (This list has to be as long as the list of do not’s.)

4. Now, focus on and build on the list of what you can control. Let it inspire you to expand on what else you can control that you might not have realized at the start.

5.  And then, it’s time for action—guided by the Goldilocks Principle. One foot in front of the other. One step at a      time. Not so big they overwhelm and shut us down. Not so small the brain gets bored and checks out. But just right—keeping us moving forward with clarity, focus, and a sense of possibility.

 For help with this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Photo by Freepik

Love,

Madelaine

What if fear, instead of being your enemy—or your protector at best—could be your Energizer Battery this January?

January can feel like a weird in-between time. The holiday buzz has faded, maybe the weather is dreary, and many people are left staring at the daunting resolutions they’ve written down—or worse, completely avoided. It’s the perfect recipe for the January blahs.

But what if you gave yourself the gift of fear this year instead of trying to power through with useless resolutions? Yes, fear. The kind that transports you out of your comfort zone. The kind that makes your heart race and reminds you that you’re alive.

What’s So Good About Fear?

Fear is not your enemy—it’s your magic carpet. Sure, it protects you from danger. But it also shows up when you’re on the edge of growth, signaling that you’re being transported into new and uncharted territory. While our instincts often tell us to retreat, the magic lies in doing the opposite: leaning in.

Facing challenges head-on rewires your brain to see fear more as an invitation than a stop sign. The result? Confidence, resilience, and a renewed sense of excitement. Even small acts of courage—speaking up in a meeting, trying something new, or reaching out to someone—can spark this transformation.

Magic Carpet. Energizer Battery. Or, some other way to think about it that works best for you. Studies show that facing fears directly has benefits:

1. Keeps you safe.
2. Helps you lose weight.
3. Temporarily boosts immune system.
4. Feeling fear—in the right dose—is fun and exciting.
5. Gives you a natural high and a sense of empowerment.
6. Helps you manage stress and relaxes you.
7. Helps you stay in the present moment and to focus.
8. Socializes you and bonds you to other people.
9. Allows you to live life to the fullest.
10. Gives you clarity on what’s really important in life.

The Problem with January Resolutions

Every January, we’re inundated with messages about resolutions: “New Year, New You!”

Okay, maybe that was harsh. And while setting goals can be helpful, resolutions often come with an all-or-nothing mindset. Miss one gym session or indulge in one dessert, and suddenly, you feel like a failure.

Here’s a surprising statistic: only 8% of people successfully stick to their New Year’s resolutions. That means 92% of us are left feeling frustrated and defeated by February. Instead of striving for perfection, what if you focused on curiosity and growth instead?

This year, trade in resolutions for a practice that’s kinder, more flexible, and far more energizing: doing one scary thing every day.

The Gift of Fear: A Newer Approach

Here’s how it works: each day, identify one action that makes your heart race a little. It doesn’t have to be monumental—just enough to challenge you. Whether it’s tackling a difficult conversation, signing up for a class you’ve been avoiding, or even exploring a new hiking trail, the key is to stretch yourself in small, manageable ways.

When you do this consistently, something amazing happens. You start to break free from monotony, discover new parts of yourself, and feel truly alive.

Before diving into something scary, remember that it’s okay to take a little time—for the ready and set—in ready, set, go. Not a lot of time. Not forever time. But an amount of time you designate to ready and set yourself for the leap.

And then just do it. Leap!

Practical Tip: Start with a “Fear List”

For this practice, try creating a Fear List. Write down five small, slightly intimidating actions you’ve been avoiding. Rank them from least to most scary. Start with the smallest one, and commit to tackling it at a certain time, on a certain day. Not when you feel like it. Rather, at a time you designate whether you feel like it or not.

Promise made. Promise kept. Trust me when I tell you how empowering and uplifting it can be to know that you can count on you!

Here are some examples:

1. Try a new recipe that looks a bit tricky.
2. Email a mentor or colleague to express gratitude.
3. Speak up in a group discussion or meeting.
4. Explore a local class or event you’ve been curious about.
5. Set boundaries in a relationship or say “no” when it feels right.

Crushing January, One Step at a Time

Fear can be the spark that ignites your energy and ambition. Treat fear as a gift—one that nudges you toward growth—and you’ll discover a new way to approach the year ahead, and maybe even, happily, the rest of your life.

Are you ready? Ready, Set, Go?  Visit my website at madelaineweiss.com for more inspiration and resources to help you embrace your boldest, brightest self—or, to talk with me directly, click HERE.

Lots of Love for the New Year,

Madelaine

As the holidays approach, let’s remember the light we carry within us. A single flame, when shared, can brighten countless others without losing its glow.

Lead with the light that inspires and uplifts this season. ✨

Who will you shine your light on today? Let’s spread kindness and joy together!

Thank you for being part of this journey. Your presence means so much.

Happy Holidays to all!

With love,
Madelaine