What Is Phubbing?

Phubbing — short for phone snubbing — happens when someone shifts attention to their phone when they are with other people. It might be answering a call, replying to a message, scheduling something quickly, or simply keeping the device visible and ready in a shared space — like a canasta table.

In a boardgamegeek.com discussion about phones on the table, there are those who point out that times are changing on how we connect: when, where, and with whom.

Not long ago, this behavior was widely considered rude. If you were with someone, your attention stayed with them. Calls waited. Messages were returned later. Social time had a natural boundary around it.

Today, that expectation has softened.

Phones do sit on some tables. Calls are taken. Emails answered. Appointments scheduled. Messages checked. Conversations pause and resume. This happened just last night in my own home with each of my guests.

Nothing dramatic happens — yet attention becomes subtly micro-fragmented. A glance here. A quick reply there. A brief scheduling exchange. Then back again.

Years ago, I wrote about this when phubbing still clearly felt problematic:

At the time, the assumption was straightforward: divided attention signaled disengagement. But something has changed.

Two powerful forces may help explain why phubbing has become more mainstream now.

1. We now carry the rest of our lives with us everywhere

Social time used to be protected partly because it had to be. Once we were together, we were temporarily unavailable to everything else. Work, family logistics, and small transactions waited.

Now our phones carry all of it:

• work
• family coordination
• scheduling
• travel planning
• finances
• small transactions
• ongoing responsibilities

Most of these take only seconds. A quick email. A short call. A brief exchange.

Attention becomes micro-fragmented. Social time no longer stands apart from the rest of life; it coexists with it.

This isn’t necessarily inconsiderate. It’s efficient. It’s practical. And increasingly, it’s mutually understood.

2. A more anxious world makes constant availability reassuring 

These days, many people are managing overlapping concerns — family, work, health, travel,  and the incredible uncertainty we all live with today. The phone becomes a tether to primary responsibilities and relationships in a way that reassures: We are together. We are okay.

Keeping the phone visible reduces anxiety. It signals readiness. It keeps important roles close at hand. Being reachable feels responsible, caring, and soothing.

In this context, small intrusions don’t necessarily have to signal disengagement from one’s present company. Instead, they may reflect shared understanding. We recognize that each person is managing priorities beyond the moment. And we are in it together.

Recent research reflects this shift. Studies on phubbing increasingly suggest that phone use during interactions often reflects competing relational demands rather than simple disregard.

For example, a recent review notes that the meaning of phone use depends heavily on context, perceived priorities, and shared expectations between people:

The behavior hasn’t disappeared — but its meaning has evolved.

When other parts of life enter the room

This reminds me of something that happened in a coaching session some time ago. I was deeply engaged with a client when my precious little dog, Rafael Leonardo, attacked his squeaky toy — Mr. Chicken. I prayed the squeaking would stop but it didn’t.

So, I paused and apologized for the “empathic break.” That’s what I was trained to call it when my undivided attention was taken away from my client. Strange as this may sound, I was taught that even something as innocent as a sneeze can be felt by another as a rupture in our all-important connection.

When I half-jokingly asked this client if she would like to meet Mr. Chicken, we laughed. Rafael appeared proudly and Mr. Chicken briefly entered the session too.

What might have been a disruption became a shared moment. The connection held. We widened the space, then returned.

Not dismissal — but expansion. Something added rather than subtracted with the connection repaired.

From phone snubbing to phone sharing

Usually, when someone takes a call or answers a message, they return and briefly share what it was about. A work issue. A scheduling detail. A family update.

The interruption doesn’t simply remove them from the interaction — it often brings new context back into it. Other parts of their lives enter the room, briefly, and then the conversation or activity resumes.

Attention still gets micro-fragmented. But the connection holds. The moment widens, then settles again.

In that sense, what we once thought of as phone snubbing may increasingly function as phone sharing. We’re not necessarily turning away from each other — we’re allowing glimpses of the responsibilities and relationships that matter.

What once seemed rude may now feel rather sweet. Food for thought. It has been for me.

To work on this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

What Happened?

The other night I watched a strong and wise man tear up in the middle of his remarks.
And I completely fell apart.

It felt like something that had been building for a long time, with everything going on in the world — the noise, the uncertainty, the sense that we are all carrying more than we show.

My mother would have called it a good cry.
But these days, a lot of people don’t think there is anything good about crying at all.

3 Reasons We Don’t or Won’t Cry

Research suggests that many adults rarely cry, and some even describe themselves as “non-criers.” Most people who hold their tears intend to do it for one of three reasons.

1. We were taught crying means weakness
   Many of us grew up hearing things like “don’t cry,” “be strong,” or “keep it together.” I have written myself on the benefits of staying positive, and more recently on all about living well no matter what, with those adorable happy faces. Over time, though, the nervous system can learn,  inadvertently, how to shut down emotion before tears can ever start.
2. We are afraid of losing control
   Some people worry that if they start crying, they won’t be able to stop. So, they hold everything in instead. Research on emotional suppression shows that pushing feelings down can increase stress in the body rather than reduce it.
3. We don’t feel safe enough to let go
   Crying requires a sense of emotional safety. When life feels uncertain, overwhelming, or tense, the body stays in alert mode — and tears don’t come easily.

3 Reasons Crying May Actually Help

Others strongly disagree with the idea that crying is bad for us. In fact, research suggests tears may serve an important psychological and biological purpose.

1. Crying helps calm the nervous system
   Studies suggest emotional crying may activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the part responsible for recovery and regulation.
2. Crying may release soothing brain chemicals
   Crying has been associated with the release of oxytocin and endorphins, chemicals linked to relief, bonding, and emotional regulation.
3. Crying helps us process emotion instead of storing it
   When feelings are held in, the body stays tense. When feelings move through, people often report feeling clearer, calmer, or more grounded afterward.

What If You Can’t Cry? Try This

I’m lucky — I can cry.

But what if you can’t?
Or what if the feelings are there, but the tears won’t move?

At a Harvard Medical School conference last week, Lisa Miller, Ph.D., led us through an exercise that was surprisingly touching. It wasn’t about forcing emotion. It was about creating the kind of inner safety where emotion can happen.

Take a moment to calm your body and mind. Close your eyes and take a few slow breaths.

Now imagine a table in front of you. This is your table. You may invite anyone who truly has your best interest in mind — living or deceased — to sit with you. These people form your council.

Ask them:
Do you love me?
What do you hear them saying?

Invite your higher self to the table — the part of you beyond what you have or have not done, beyond success or failure.
Ask that part of you:
Do you love me?

Then invite your higher power, whatever that means to you, and ask the same question.

Finally ask:
What do I need to hear right now?

This practice, “Who’s at your table?”, is designed to help people reconnect to a sense of love, support, and meaning that goes deeper than everyday thinking.

Sometimes the tears come.
Sometimes they don’t.

But even when they don’t, something softens.
And that can be healing too.

Making Room for Feeling in a Noisy World

We live in a time when the world feels loud, uncertain, and overwhelming.
It is easy to stay in our heads and never let anything reach our hearts.

But, every once in a while, something breaks through.
A moment.
A memory.
A voice catching in the middle of a sentence.

And when that happens, it may not be weakness.
It may be the nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do.

Releasing.
Resetting.
Reminding us that we are human.

For help with this or something else, contact me at
weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,
Madelaine 

Kindness As Kind. Kindness As Mean?

National Random Acts of Kindness Day is February 17th.

A couple of weeks ago in January, we had that great big snowstorm. The pre-storm line at Trader Joe’s was a maze. I could see the end of it, by the cash register, but not the beginning—because there seemed to be several beginnings.

After I pulled my cart in behind what I thought was the last cart in line, a young man behind me, with a baby carriage, told me smugly that the line started somewhere else. So, I moved. Then it turned out he was wrong. So, I moved again, somewhere else. And this time he nodded, almost nicely, which I took as an acknowledgment, of having snapped at me in error, in the first place.

Then a woman near what I thought was the right place to stand chastised me for what she believed was my cutting in front of someone else—someone who happened to be the only woman of color in the area. And I will say, honestly, it felt to me like I was being accused of racism on this count.

So, I apologized and moved again, even though that woman had not been on my radar at all in this very crowded space—because she had no cart. Curious, I asked, “What happened to your cart?” She explained that she was with someone else who was shopping while she held their place in line.

Some might say that was kind of her. Although, she seemed a little sheepish explaining why she wasn’t exactly in line when I arrived. So maybe she didn’t think what she was doing was 100% kind. Maybe kind to her friend but not to any one else. Others might say that the woman who called me out was also acting out of kindness— protecting what she saw as someone else’s rights. Still, I have to say her reprimand didn’t feel to me at all kind.

Then I saw my neighbor. She had no cart and a bunch of bananas. I asked, “Wait—is that all you have?” When she said yes, I said, “Give me those bananas.”

Yes, I felt a twinge of guilt—but it was only bananas. Until she added celery. And then, because her family was going to ride out the storm in her apartment, she added chocolate pudding that her granddaughter loves, ground beef for chili, potato chips, seaweed snacks… and I forget what else.

By the time we reached the checkout, I suffered full-blown guilt. I only meant to be banana bunch kind, but wound up feeling anything but, having been complicit in this big fat cutting in line.

So you tell me: In all of this, who was kind and who was not? Complicated, isn’t it. 

And, it doesn’t take a genius to notice how this confusion about kindness extends to far larger arenas and issues than our grocery store line—pitting people against each other all over the place in ways that are anything but kind, even if and when they masquerade as exactly that.

3 Ways to Stand Down to Stand Up for Kindness

Way #1: Notice How Kindness Lands, Not Just How It’s Intended

Nearly everyone in that line was acting from their own sense of goodness—correcting, protecting, helping, accommodating. They meant well. The impact, however, was uneven. Simply noticing a potential difference between intent and experience feels like one way of standing down.

Way #2: Stepping Away from Moral Refereeing

In moments like these, it’s tempting to decide—quickly and confidently—who is good and who is wrong. But moral certainty often escalates situations rather than resolving them. Standing down can mean tolerating the discomfort of not declaring a winner.

Way #3: Control Only What Is Yours to Control

A client reminded me that I told him this on January 7th, after January 6th: Control only what you can. And what you can control does not include other people. It may also help—though it isn’t comforting—to remember that other people experience themselves as good and right too. He recently told me that this learning has helped him to bring together two large well-known companies—on opposite sides of the political spectrum—to produce products and services for the good of all. He now finds it his calling, and great pleasure, to be able to bridge gaps that so many others today feel they cannot.

ME: Good and Right. YOU: Bad and Wrong.

We all want to think we are good. Studies even show generosity and cooperation to be hardwired into the brain. But kindness is murky. Just as murky as our current moment, when nearly everyone believes they are the kind one—and anyone who may see and do things differently is not.

What may be kindness in the eyes of one can be suicidal empathy in the eyes of another—a form of compassion so certain of its own goodness that it cannot tolerate limits, disagreement, or unintended harm.

I don’t know how to fix this.

But perhaps standing down—especially on National Random Acts of Kindness Day and beyond—is less about performing goodness and more about resisting certainty. About leaving a little room for the possibility that others, too, believe they are acting in good faith.

Knowing this might just help us to at least do no harm. Your thoughts?

To work on this or something else, contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

Living well is the best revenge, meaning what?

There’s a well-known Hebrew saying: Living well is the best revenge. It’s often misunderstood, as if thriving were meant to provoke or diminish others. It isn’t. It’s moral. It’s strong. And in a world where envy, distortion, and takedowns are increasingly normalized, it may even be a responsibility—perhaps a calling—to stand well and live fully anyway.

Yes, living well can make some people angry. That discomfort, however, doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It may mean you’re doing something right.

As de Balzac put it so piercingly: “How natural it is to destroy what we cannot possess, to deny what we do not understand, and to insult what we envy!” Modern psychology backs him up. A broad review of social comparison and envy confirms that comparing oneself to others is a common experience and can negatively affect well-being, especially when people focus on upward comparisons.

A striking illustration of this goes beyond humans. As I wrote in an earlier post, another study finds that a monkey will topple another monkey’s table of food if the first monkey thinks the second monkey got more. “This, of course, suggests that the roots of punishing envy are more deeply embedded in our psyches than we may know.” You can read more in my piece, What to Do About Envy.

But humans are also dimensionally different. We have choice, awareness, and the capacity to transcend base reactions. That’s where living well becomes both strategy and service.

Here are five practical ways to live well—deliberately, visibly, and without apology.

1. Redefine “Revenge” as Resolve

Living well isn’t about outperforming someone who hurt you. It’s about resolve—the decision to stay oriented toward what strengthens you rather than what drains you. Research on well-being consistently shows that chronic resentment and rumination undermine both mental and physical health, while meaning-driven choices and forward focus support resilience and long-term vitality.

Practice: When resentment shows up, pause and ask: What would strengthen me right now? Then choose the action that builds capacity, clarity, and forward momentum—rather than one that keeps you tethered to old grievances.

2. Stop Shrinking to Manage Other People’s Feelings

Many people—especially women and those in visible or leadership roles—learn to downplay success to avoid triggering envy or discomfort in others. But research shows that habitually silencing oneself in relationships and social settings is associated with increased anxiety, depression, and reduced well-being.

Envy doesn’t disappear when you shrink; it simply finds new targets. To be fair, shrinking can buy temporary quiet. But it does so at a cost. Over time, that tradeoff erodes energy, confidence, and contribution.

Envy isn’t neutralized by your silence. It just asks you to become smaller.

Practice: State your work and accomplishments plainly, without exaggeration or apology. Quiet confidence isn’t arrogance—it’s clarity.

3. Live Well Publicly, Not Performatively

There’s a difference between living well for show and living well in truth. The former seeks validation, the latter models possibility. Research on behavioral modeling shows that people learn not only through instruction but by observing others’ actions and outcomes, a dynamic central to Bandura’s Social Learning Theory, which helps explain how visible positive behavior encourages healthier norms in groups.

Practice: Pick one visible habit that reflects your values—movement, learning, service, creativity—and keep it steady. Consistency speaks louder than explanations.

4. Understand the Source of the Pushback

Not all criticism is envy—but envy often disguises itself as moral outrage or “concern.” When people feel threatened, they may reinterpret information in ways that protect their self-image or sense of identity rather than engaging openly with what’s actually being said. Recognizing this helps you respond wisely instead of defensively.

You don’t need to convince those who are invested in misunderstanding you.

Practice: Sort feedback into two buckets: useful signal and emotional noise. Respond only to the former.

5. Treat Living Well as a Responsibility

If you have resilience, perspective, or the means to create a good life, hiding it doesn’t make the world fairer. It makes it poorer. Research on post-traumatic growth suggests that meaning-making and visible strength can help people orient toward hope after stress and hardship.

Living well—ethically, generously, and with spine—is not self-indulgence. It is contribution.

Practice: Ask “Who benefits when I stand strong and well?” Let that answer steady you when the pressure to dim yourself appears.

Living well won’t win you universal approval. It may provoke discomfort in those who feel exposed by steadiness, clarity, or joy. But shrinking yourself to avoid envy hands others authorship over your life—and quietly diminishes who you are and what you contribute.

Living well is not retaliation. It is resolve—the resolve to remain expansive rather than shrink, grounded rather than bitter, and open rather than hidden, secure in what is healthy and whole.

And in times like these, that resolve isn’t just admirable—it may just be what the moment demands.

Love, and Happy New Year,

Madelaine

Sharing light and love during tender times. May the coming year bring comfort, clarity, and joy to you and all those you hold dear. 🧡

How Heavy Is It?

Maybe you’ve heard this story. It’s so good. Bears repeating. Here goes…

A professor once held up a glass of water and asked the class that very question.

“Eight ounces?” someone guessed. “Maybe twelve?” another said.

The teacher smiled and replied, “It doesn’t matter how heavy it is. What matters is how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s fine. An hour, my arm will ache. A day, and I’ll collapse. The weight doesn’t change—but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels.”

We’ve all heard versions of this story before—but it bears repeating because every one of us carries invisible glasses of our own. The worries, the deadlines, the what ifs. The longer we hold them, the heavier they feel.

It’s Not What Happens, It’s How We Hold It

Modern science is catching up with that timeless lesson. Stress, it turns out, isn’t just about what happens to us—it’s about how we hold what happens.

The American College of Lifestyle Medicine (2025) defines stress as a whole-body experience involving biology, psychology, and environment. When a challenge arises, hormones like cortisol and adrenaline surge to help us act. But when the “on” switch stays stuck, the system wears down. Chronic stress has been linked to inflammation, sleep problems, depression, and heart disease.

Even more interesting, recent research shows that how we interpret stress can change its impact. People who view stress as a signal to pause, breathe, and regroup recover faster than those who see it as purely harmful. Mindset matters—not just emotionally, but biologically.

Why It Feels Heavier Now

If you’ve felt more tense lately, you’re far from alone. A 2025 Managed Healthcare Executive report found that workplace stress and performance pressure are at record highs. “Nearly one in four young adults now report significant symptoms of burnout, according to the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America report.”

Outside of work, families are facing what The Guardian called a “stress crisis” tied to financial, health, and housing insecurity. And our kids and grandkids aren’t immune—student surveys show rising anxiety about everything from grades to global issues.

It’s as if everyone is holding their glass just too long.

What Happens When We Don’t Put the Glass Down

When stress becomes chronic, the nervous system forgets what “safe” feels like. The body stays on high alert—tight muscles, shallow breathing, scattered focus. It’s adaptive for a moment but exhausting over time.

Think of cortisol like caffeine: a little helps you focus; a constant drip leaves you jittery, sleepless, and drained. That’s the allostatic load—the wear and tear the body endures when recovery never happens.

As a psychotherapist and coach, I’ve seen how invisible this load can be. People think they’re fine until one small frustration—the email, the delay, the disagreement—tips them over. It’s not the event that breaks them; it’s the weight of everything they’ve been holding all along.

5 Science-Backed Ways to Lighten the Load

The good news is that stress is one of the most modifiable health risks we face. We can’t avoid all triggers, but we can change how we respond to them.

1. Small Pauses, Big Payoff

The 2025 UCS found that even five-minute “micro-moments” of rest—breathing, stretching, or quiet reflection—significantly improved mood and lowered perceived stress. You don’t need an hour of meditation; one mindful minute, repeated often, counts.

2. Move the Body, Free the Mind

Exercise remains one of the most powerful stress relievers. A brisk walk can lower cortisol within 20 minutes. Don’t think of movement as another task—think of it as emptying the glass a little before it spills.

3. Social Connect

The ACLM now recognizes social connection as a core pillar of stress management. A laugh with a friend, a quick call, or a shared meal all help to regulate hormones through oxytocin and parasympathetic activation.

4. Reframe, Don’t Deny

Pushing stress away doesn’t work—it just lodges deeper. Try naming it instead: This is stress, and my body’s doing its job. That simple acknowledgment engages the thinking brain and restores perspective.

5. Sleep Is Sacred

No amount of coffee can outthink a tired brain. Rest is recovery, not laziness. Quality sleep restores hormonal balance, clears emotional clutter, and lets the body repair the damage stress can cause.

For practical tips, the CDC’s “Managing Stress” guide offers accessible ways to reset during the day. And here is a fav of mine called One-Touch that I have written about before

The Challenge for High-Achievers

Many high-achievers—especially those who care deeply about doing things right—resist rest because it feels unproductive. But rest isn’t idleness; it’s essential maintenance.

When you rest, your nervous system recalibrates. Your thinking sharpens. Your ability to make decisions improves. Your emotional bandwidth returns.
And the problems that felt overwhelming suddenly become workable again.

The Reframe: Stress Isn’t the Villain

What if it’s a message rather than the villain we think it is?

What if it’s a message that Something needs attention. Maybe it’s too much, too fast, or too constant. When we listen, we can adjust. When we ignore it, it only grows louder.

The point isn’t to live a stress-free life—that’s not realistic. The point is to recognize it for what it is: information, not identity.

The weight of the glass, after all, was never the problem. The problem was forgetting or refusing to put it down.

The Real Lesson

Ask yourself: What’s in your glass today?

What thoughts, worries, or responsibilities are you carrying today that you could set down for another day, if not forever?

Take a breath. Stretch your shoulders. Call someone who makes you laugh. Step outside and feel the air. The science is clear: we were never meant to hold everything all the time.

So find something to set down. Rest your arm. You can always pick it back up if and when that’s the right thing to do.

And for help with this or something else contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

To Speak or Not to Speak?

That was the question raised by a lovely, sophisticated physician at a brunch I attended recently.

A medical student she was otherwise quite fond of had said something racist to her, to which she said nothing. Years later, she still wondered if it would have been better had she said something to the student about what the student had said.

I told her that when a neighbor once said something racist to me—using the N-word no less—I responded: “You can’t talk to me like that, and I need you to know that.”

The woman at the brunch looked at me and said, “Oh, I should have said that.”

At that point, I remembered that this was not the first time my neighbor had said something unwelcome, and that on previous occasions my better judgment was not to make an issue of it with her.

After all, it was not like she had asked me to help make a better person of her. But this last occasion exceeded my limits. So, I spoke up.

That’s why when the brunch guest said she should have spoken up because I had, I replied, “Perhaps, but not necessarily. It may be that you were right to hesitate with this student. You seemed to think so at the time. Sometimes it is better to speak; sometimes not.”

That’s the dilemma we all face, which is especially tricky when speaking truth to power, which I have previously written about.

And while there’s no formula that guarantees the “right” choice every time, here are 3 things to consider before you open your mouth.

1. The Impact Test: Will it add value or harm?

Words have power—they can heal, clarify, or inspire. But they can also inflame, confuse, or wound. Research shows that verbal aggression has long-term effects on both relationships and well-being.

Before speaking, ask: Will my words contribute something meaningful here—or will I do harm?

Sometimes silence is not weakness—it’s wisdom. As neuroscientist Ethan Kross notes in his book Chatter, our brains are wired to react quickly, but quick reactions don’t always serve us. A pause can create space to choose impact over impulse.

2. The Timing Test: Is now the right time?

Even important truths can land badly if the moment is wrong. People are more receptive to feedback when they are not in a defensive or emotionally charged state.

In the physician’s case, speaking up in the moment might have triggered defensiveness or hostility, especially given the power dynamics between teacher and student. Waiting, or choosing another venue, may have been wise on her part.

Before speaking, ask: Is this the right time for this message to be heard?

3. The Kindness Test: Can I say it with respect?

It’s not just what we say, but how we say it. Studies show that communication framed with empathy is far more likely to create positive change.

The difference between “That’s unacceptable” and “You may not realize this, but what you said is hurtful” is profound. One closes doors; the other opens possibilities for growth.

I do recall that the tone of my objection to the racist comment was not all that mean, more matter of fact, even if the words I used were not all that sweet. They did shut down the problem, as it never happened again. On the other hand, if relationship building had been important, which it was not, a sweeter delivery might have done a better job.

Before speaking, ask: Can I phrase this in a way that honors my integrity without demeaning the other person?

Final Thought

Speaking and silence are both powerful. Choosing which one to use requires consideration of impact, timing, and kindness. Or as a rule of thumb—True, Kind, Necessary, Beneficial—as the ancient Eastern Philosophers would say.

The physician at brunch wasn’t wrong to stay quiet. I wasn’t wrong to speak up. Both choices were right—for their contexts.

The art lies in knowing that there’s no one-size-fits-all rule. The next time you’re torn between silence and speech, pause, and run through these three tests. You may find that the best answer lies not in always speaking or never speaking—but in discerning when to do which.

For help with this or something else, would love to hear from you at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Photo by Pexels

Why it’s Not Always Rude—Especially if Someone’s Wired for Depth.

The other day, I interrupted someone mid-sentence. She was talking—I can’t remember what it was about—when we walked right past a jazz club in our neighborhood that I’d noticed many times but never visited. Without thinking, I blurted, “Have you ever been there?”

It wasn’t meant to be rude, although her stiffening clearly indicated she was not happy to have been cut off that way. Later, I reflected on it and don’t believe that I was trying to hijack the conversation—but rather was trying to rescue it—and possibly guide it somewhere more alive.

Fyi, there are studies showing how unsatisfactory many participants find conversation to be. And, it turns out, a lot of people interrupt—not to be rude, but to reach for something more meaningful. So while it is often labeled a conversational no-no, context and intent matter. Not all interruptions are created equal.

Here are three surprising reasons people interrupt—and a few ways to do it better, with more awareness and grace.

1. They’re Reaching for Depth, Not Attention

Sometimes an interruption comes from two directions at once.

• Unconscious: a restless reflex to cut things short. Introverts especially can get antsy on the surface of things — small talk can feel like noise they need to escape.
• Conscious: a deliberate pull toward something richer. Introverts are wired for depth, so when they sense the chance for a more meaningful exchange, they may jump in to suggest a shift. That jazz club, for example, wasn’t just a landmark. It was a doorway into something potentially richer to share than, let’s say, a story about a friend’s friend from five years ago.

Seen this way, it isn’t about grabbing attention but about guiding the moment toward depth.

A more intentional approach:
→ “Could we pause here for a sec? There’s something I’d love to ask you about where we are when you’re finished.”
This can make the redirection feel like an invitation instead of an intrusion.

2. They’re Afraid of Losing the Thought

For deep thinkers or anyone who processes a lot internally — ideas often flash in and out quickly. Breaking in can be less about impatience and more about urgency: the need to hold on to something important before it vanishes.

A helpful alternative:
→ Jot the thought down or mentally bookmark it. Then return later with:
“Can I circle back to something you said earlier? It really stuck with me.”
This signals respect, while still honoring the spark.

3. They’re Seeking Emotional Connection

Not every interruption is about ideas. Sometimes it’s about the emotional current. The conversation may have plenty of substance but still feel flat — like two people talking at each other instead of with each other.

In that case, it isn’t only about experiential depth (#1). It’s about making the moment warmer, more human. It’s a way of saying: “I want us to feel connected while we talk.”

A graceful shift:
→ “That’s interesting — what does it mean for you?”
This reorients the exchange toward presence and personal connection, rather than just continuing the flow of information.

So It’s Not Always Rude—It’s Often Real

Sure, some interruptions are careless or self-centered. But many come from a very human place—a desire to contribute, to connect, to make the moment matter.

Especially for those who think deeply and feel intensely, the urge to influence the direction of the conversation may come, not from the ego, but from the heart.

It helps to distinguish, then, between interruption as ego and interruption as engagement. When the goal is meaningful connection with ideas and people, the key isn’t silence—it’s sensitivity. 

People don’t necessarily need to stop entirely. They may just need to interrupt better.

So next time someone interrupts—or next time you do—it might be worth asking:
Was that a disruption?
Or an invitation?

For help with this or something else, contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com   

I’m working on it too. 😊

Love,

Madelaine

Why Should You Make a New Habit?

This post refreshes and updates one I shared last year for Self-Improvement Month, with the latest market numbers and insights for 2025. Now more than ever, with everything going on in the world — this is the perfect time to upgrade how we live our lives, for ourselves and for everyone counting on us.

September is Self-Improvement Month, and making new habits is a great way to improve yourself and your life. Maybe you thought you had ‘til January 1st to upgrade yourself and your life. But the National Calendar says the time is now.

After all, for many people, resolutions they made in January have failed by now anyway, by February actually. So now would be a good time to try again.

I always want to learn and grow this time of year anyway. People suggest vacation ideas for this time of year, the shoulder season in many terrific places, with rates lower and crowds thinner.

But not for me. For me, it’s ‘back to school’ season, with the days of repentance and renewal coming up too. So, I for one have had enough vacation, gorgeous as it was. Right now, I just want to learn and grow—and improve.

What is Self-Improvement?

Zion Market Research defines self-improvement as:

“The process of improving one’s knowledge, abilities, character, and general well-being is referred to as self-improvement. It entails making conscious efforts to grow in all spheres of one’s life—emotional, intellectual, physical, and social. Numerous activities, including picking up new abilities, forming wholesome habits, improving emotional intelligence, and more, might be included in this process.”

Over the past few years, for Self-Improvement Month, I posted a few fun facts, which I am updating here below:

– Organizations began promoting self-improvement in the 1980s, becoming a national event by 1988.

– The U.S. Spends $41.23 Billion/Year on Self-Improvement, up a lot from $10.4 Billion/Year last time I posted.

– The market includes:

• Books

• Audiobooks

• Infomercials

• Motivational speakers

• Public seminars

• Workshops

• Holistic institutes

• Personal coaching

• Weight loss programs

• Apps

• Internet courses

• Training organizations and more

…for topics, such as:

• Weight loss/exercise

• Business/sales skills

• Business opportunities/investing

• Improving relationships

• and general motivational

The global self-improvement market is estimated to reach $81.77 Billion/Year in 2032, compared with the $56.66 billion by 2027 posted last time.

What drives all this growth? Some say “…the growing awareness that a harmonious balance between mental, emotional, and physical aspects is a necessary component of true well-being….reflects a wider recognition that cultivating a resilient attitude and emotional balance are essential elements of attaining total well-being when confronted with the obstacles presented by contemporary living.”

Let me add another driver; that is, that growing is fun and feels good—the best antidote I know for feeling bad.

The tree wants to grow. The bird wants to fly. And so do humans. And when they don’t, they can get depressed.

So many clients have thought that their misery was the job, the spouse, the money or lack thereof, the whatever outside of themselves…when it turned out to be, simply put, that they were bored.

These clients, and so many people in general, cling to ‘same ole same ole’ habits of living that suck the excitement and enjoyment out of their lives.

It’s not that habits are bad, and we will get to what’s really good about them. It is more that old habits need to make way for the new to help us grow and feel alive.

And that is why making new habits is a great way to kick off September, Self-Improvement Month. So, what is a habit? And how can we make and sustain a new one?

The Self-Improvement Market in 2025

The self-improvement industry continues to grow rapidly:

• United States:

  • Estimated at $12.14B in 2024, projected to $22.08B by 2034.

  • Estimated at $12.57B in 2024, rising to $15.58B by 2030.

  • A broader definition values it at $16.5B in 2024, expected to reach $28.3B by 2033.

• Global:

  • Estimated at $48.4B in 2024, projected to $67.21B by 2030.

  • Estimated at $50.42B in 2024, growing to $86.54B by 2034.

  • A broader “products & services” measure puts it at $59.22B in 2024, rising to $64.61B in 2025.

📚 What’s Included in the Market

• Books

• Audiobooks

• Infomercials

• Motivational speakers

• Public seminars & workshops

• Holistic institutes

• Personal coaching

• Weight-loss programs

• Mobile apps

• Online courses

• Training organizations — and more

🌱 Popular Self-Improvement Topics

• Weight loss & exercise

• Business & sales skills

• Business opportunities & investing

• Improving relationships

• General motivation & mindset

What is a Habit?

From LiveScience:

“A habit is a behavior that has become automatic, according to a 2019 article published in the Oxford Research Encyclopedia. Habits can be formed and eliminated deliberately or unintentionally. We may not even be aware of some of these behaviors.”

Habits help us a lot. Consider the barrage of information we face every day, “equivalent to reading 500 pages of information or an entire encyclopedia every minute.”

Because it would be humanly impossible to process all of that information consciously, we have habits or automatic and easily repeatable actions and behaviors that we don’t have to waste any energy thinking about.

That’s great, but some of those habits were put there by the 5-year-old you used to be—no doubt cute and smart, and very much meaning well by you—but a 5-year-old nonetheless.

And, really, how much do we want a 5-year-old in charge of our lives?

At the very least, it may be time for a review of the major life-shaping habits of your life; like sleep, diet, exercise, work habits, and the like.

I know people who know their lives would be better if only they…but they don’t. Often, it is more like a 2-year-old just saying “NO, I can do whatever I want.” To assert themselves, they will even defy whatever it is they think is right.

Basically, any new behavior is going to have to be directed consciously and willfully by you. This means that if you wait until you ‘feel like it’, which a lot of people do, the day and the desired lifestyle change may never come.

So how can we create and maintain a new habit to improve ourselves and our lives?

How To Create and Maintain a New Habit for Self-Improvement

Bear in mind that this does not happen overnight. It can begin overnight but takes time to lock into your basal ganglia, where it takes on that easy automatic life of its own that you don’t even have to think about.

We have heard that it takes 21 days to make a habit. But this was speculation in the 1960s, not science, from cosmetic surgeon Maxwell Maltz, who believed that’s how long it took his patients to change the mental image of their new look.

More recent studies have found between 18 and 254 days to make a habit (an average of 66 days), depending on motives, resources, self-regulation, and environmental, social, and biological influences.

So, let’s say you want to establish a more consistent sleep routine. This is, by the way, an excellent idea. And, consistency with this and any new habit is key.

How long it will take is anyone’s guess, but you will know you are getting there when it takes less effort to do the new behavior and, in fact, you feel uncomfortable if you don’t.

Consistency is what plants it into your brain. Repetition is what builds the neural connections deeply in your brain that make it easy and automatic for you to upgrade in this way.

Other suggestions in addition to consistency and repetition include:

• Start small. Manageable and measurable. You can always increase over time.

• Pair with something related. What are you eating and drinking before you get into bed? Screentime? Anything in there you want to tweak at the same time?

• Is there a reward you want to pair with your new behavior? Something that delights you? Or with sleep, let’s say, is how good you feel with this new way of doing your sleep reward enough for you?

• What about a Buddy? Or some other form of accountability support system, like coaching, or e-learning—to help maintain whatever new habit(s) you want to invite into your life.

Above all, I would say know your WHY—your very own reason for wanting to take on the effort that this will be until it takes hold—because this is what will keep you from rebelling against and defeating yourself. 😉 For help with this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

With Love,
Madelaine

Photo by Freepik

What do you do when the people you love most seem blind to what matters most to you?

I have written before on the intensifying differences in our lives today. And I write again because I find one of the hardest emotional challenges in life—when we find ourselves on one side of a chasm, staring across at people you once felt completely connected to, and realizing they simply don’t see what you see.

They’re not bad people. In fact, they may be some of the most decent, caring people you know. But when it comes to certain issues—issues you see as urgent or even existential—it’s as if they’re living in another reality. The pain of that disconnection can feel like a quiet heartbreak, over and over again.

This dissonance isn’t new. In fact, psychologists call it selective perception—the brain’s tendency to filter out information that doesn’t match pre-existing beliefs. Ray Nickerson’s research on confirmation bias explains how even reasonable people can completely miss facts that don’t fit their worldview.

Here are five powerful truths that can help you find steadiness in the swirl of emotional complexity when those you love just don’t see the world the way you do.

1. It’s Not Just a Difference of Opinion—It’s a Difference of Reality

Disagreements about where to eat dinner or how to spend a weekend are one thing. But when your loved ones dismiss or minimize something you believe threatens the future, it stops feeling like a simple disagreement and starts to feel like you’re on separate planets.

Cognitive scientist George Lakoff explains that people don’t interpret facts neutrally—we use deeply ingrained metaphors and moral frames. That’s why two people can hear the same story and draw opposite conclusions. If someone sees your concern through a completely different frame, they may literally not register the urgency you feel.

2. The More You Care, the More It Hurts

If we didn’t care about them, it wouldn’t matter what they thought. But love sharpens the pain. Watching someone we care for deeply speak or act in a way that seems dangerously naïve, misinformed, or even hostile to what we value can feel like a form of grief.

Psychologist Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss—the kind of grief we feel when someone is physically present but emotionally or psychologically absent in some crucial way. It captures that unique ache of seeing someone you love shift into a worldview you can no longer share.

3. You May Be Right—and Still Be Alone in It

We might see patterns others are missing. We might have done more research. We might feel more connected to history’s warnings. But being right doesn’t always bring connection. In fact, it can isolate.

This echoes what some call the Cassandra complex—the torment of seeing what’s coming but being dismissed. Named after the Greek myth where Cassandra was cursed to see the future but never be believed, it reflects a painful truth: having insight doesn’t always create influence. Sometimes, it just makes us feel lonelier.

4. You Don’t Have to Convince to Stay Connected

Here’s the hard but hopeful truth: We can love people without agreeing with them. We can hold our own perspective firmly and still choose not to argue every point. We can let go of the fantasy that if we just explained it better, they’d finally get it.

In conflict resolution, this is called strategic disengagement. It’s not surrender—it’s a conscious decision to protect the relationship by not needing to win. Holding boundaries with grace is a strength, not a failure.

5. You Can Grieve the Divide Without Losing Yourself

When we realize a loved one doesn’t—and maybe won’t—see the world the way we do, there’s a subtle identity crisis that can follow. Who are we without that shared vision? Can we still belong? Are we safe?

Let yourself grieve that loss. But don’t let it pull you out of your own integrity.

We are still allowed to care deeply, speak clearly, and hold compassion for those who can’t or won’t join us in seeing what we see. Their denial does not invalidate our insight. Their fear does not diminish our clarity.

You are not alone, even if it sometimes feels that way. To discuss this or something else, Contact Me at madelaineweiss.com

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Unsplash