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What Happened?
The other night I watched a strong and wise man tear up in the middle of his remarks.
And I completely fell apart.
It felt like something that had been building for a long time, with everything going on in the world — the noise, the uncertainty, the sense that we are all carrying more than we show.
My mother would have called it a good cry.
But these days, a lot of people don’t think there is anything good about crying at all.
3 Reasons We Don’t or Won’t Cry
Research suggests that many adults rarely cry, and some even describe themselves as “non-criers.” Most people who hold their tears intend to do it for one of three reasons.
- We were taught crying means weakness
Many of us grew up hearing things like “don’t cry,” “be strong,” or “keep it together.” I have even written myself on the benefits of staying positive. Over time, though, the nervous system can learn how to shut down emotion before tears can even start. - We are afraid of losing control
Some people worry that if they start crying, they won’t be able to stop. So, they hold everything in instead. Research on emotional suppression shows that pushing feelings down can increase stress in the body rather than reduce it. - We don’t feel safe enough to let go
Crying requires a sense of emotional safety. When life feels uncertain, overwhelming, or tense, the body stays in alert mode — and tears don’t come easily.
3 Reasons Crying May Actually Help
Others strongly disagree with the idea that crying is bad for us. In fact, research suggests tears may serve an important psychological and biological purpose.
- Crying helps calm the nervous system
Studies suggest emotional crying may activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the part responsible for recovery and regulation. - Crying may release soothing brain chemicals
Crying has been associated with the release of oxytocin and endorphins, chemicals linked to relief, bonding, and emotional regulation. - Crying helps us process emotion instead of storing it
When feelings are held in, the body stays tense. When feelings move through, people often report feeling clearer, calmer, or more grounded afterward.
What If You Can’t Cry? Try This
I’m lucky — I can cry.
But what if you can’t?
Or what if the feelings are there, but the tears won’t move?
At a Harvard Medical School conference last week, Lisa Miller, Ph.D., led us through an exercise that was surprisingly touching. It wasn’t about forcing emotion. It was about creating the kind of inner safety where emotion can happen.
Take a moment to calm your body and mind. Close your eyes and take a few slow breaths.
Now imagine a table in front of you. This is your table. You may invite anyone who truly has your best interest in mind — living or deceased — to sit with you. These people form your council.
Ask them:
Do you love me?
What do you hear them saying?
Invite your higher self to the table — the part of you beyond what you have or have not done, beyond success or failure.
Ask that part of you:
Do you love me?
Then invite your higher power, whatever that means to you, and ask the same question.
Finally ask:
What do I need to hear right now?
This practice, “Who’s at your table?”, is designed to help people reconnect to a sense of love, support, and meaning that goes deeper than everyday thinking.
Sometimes the tears come.
Sometimes they don’t.
But even when they don’t, something softens.
And that can be healing too.
Making Room for Feeling in a Noisy World
We live in a time when the world feels loud, uncertain, and overwhelming.
It is easy to stay in our heads and never let anything reach our hearts.
But, every once in a while, something breaks through.
A moment.
A memory.
A voice catching in the middle of a sentence.
And when that happens, it may not be weakness.
It may be the nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do.
Releasing.
Resetting.
Reminding us that we are human.
For help with this or something else, contact me at
weissmadelaine@gmail.com
Love,
Madelaine
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