Could overstimulation or understimulation be affecting your sleep, stress, and relationships?

Modern life is filled with stimulation.

Phones buzz. Screens flash. News alerts arrive nonstop. Calendars overflow. Conversations overlap. Even moments meant for rest often come with noise, multitasking, or scrolling attached.

And while stimulation itself is not the enemy, many people today are beginning to notice something important:

We are often highly stimulated — but poorly soothed.

At the same time, some people experience the opposite problem. Without enough meaningful stimulation, challenge, creativity, movement, or connection, life can begin to feel flat, isolating, repetitive, or emotionally dull.

Both extremes can affect emotional well-being more than we realize.

Recently, during a group discussion, several people talked about finally sleeping better by having learned to calm their minds. Others spoke nostalgically about “simpler times” or places that seemed calmer, greener, slower, and less overwhelming.

That longing makes sense.

But maybe what we are really longing for is not necessarily the past itself, but for the calmer feeling that comes up with our reflection of it.

Too much stimulation can leave us feeling wired, anxious, emotionally reactive, distracted, or exhausted.

Too little stimulation can leave us disengaged, restless in a different way, lonely, or emotionally flat.

The goal is not eliminating stimulation or chasing constant calm. Healthy living requires both.

Interestingly, Ludwig van Beethoven seemed to understand this intuitively. His symphonies often moved between dramatic, energizing passages and calmer, restorative ones. He did not choose one over the other. He composed with both.

What if we could learn to do the same? Here’s how.

1, Pay Attention to What Activates and Settles You

Many people move through life without fully noticing what overstimulates or soothes them.

Some activities energize us in healthy ways. Others flood our nervous systems without allowing recovery.

Similarly, some forms of soothing genuinely restore us, while others simply numb or distract us temporarily.

Awareness matters.

Practical Tip

At the end of the day, briefly ask yourself:

• What energized me today?
• What depleted me?
• What genuinely calmed me?
• What merely distracted me?

Small moments of awareness can reveal important patterns over time.

2. Protect Sleep by Reducing Overstimulation

Sleep is not simply rest. It is also feedback from the nervous system.

When people begin sleeping better, it often signals that somewhere in their lives there is enough settling, enough safety, and enough soothing for the body and mind to let go.

Chronic overstimulation, however, can keep the brain activated long after the workday ends.

Many people stop working physically while continuing mentally.

Practical Tip

Create a short “decompression period” before bed:

• dim lights
• reduce screen exposure
• avoid emotionally activating conversations
• stretch, journal, meditate, pray, read, or listen to calming music

Your nervous system needs cues that it is safe to settle.

3. Healthy Stimulation Can Improve Mood and Motivation

Not all stimulation is harmful.

Healthy stimulation can increase creativity, engagement, curiosity, learning, motivation, and emotional vitality.

As more than an aside, did you know that exercise may not only lift depression, but also help us to make the kinds of changes we are talking about in this piece. You can read about this here.

Exercise, meaningful work, music, nature, conversation, humor, learning something new, and purposeful challenges can all stimulate the brain in positive ways.

The problem is not stimulation itself. The problem is nonstop stimulation without recovery — or insufficient stimulation altogether.

Practical Tip

Pay attention to the difference between activities that leave you:

• inspired versus emotionally flooded
• energized versus depleted
• mentally refreshed versus scattered

That distinction matters more than we sometimes realize.

4. Emotional States Spread Through Relationships

Stress spreads. Calm spreads too.

Parents affect children. Partners affect one another. Leaders affect workplaces. Friends affect friends.

One chronically overstimulated person can unintentionally increase tension throughout an entire environment. On the other hand, one grounded person can help stabilize the emotional tone around them.

This is especially important in families and workplaces where emotional overload can quietly become contagious.

Practical Tip

Before entering an important interaction, pause briefly and ask:

• What emotional state am I bringing into this conversation?
• Am I bringing urgency, tension, calm, steadiness, openness, or presence?

Sometimes regulating ourselves first changes everything that follows.

5. Balance Matters More Than Extremes

Life is not about eliminating stimulation or remaining permanently soothed.

We need challenge, excitement, movement, creativity, and engagement. We also need recovery, reflection, quiet, connection, and restoration.

The art is learning how to notice when the balance has tipped too far in one direction — and gently restoring it.

And balance may look different for different people and at different stages of life.

Some people generally need more stimulation to feel alive and engaged. Others may generally need more soothing to feel emotionally regulated and grounded. And we all may need more or less of one or the other at different points in time.

There is no perfect formula.

Practical Tip

Ask yourself:

• What currently overstimulates me?
• What understimulates me?
• What genuinely soothes me?
• Where might I need more balance right now?

Those questions alone can increase awareness in meaningful ways.

Final Thoughts: We Do Not Only Receive Stimulation and Soothing — We Also Give Them

Perhaps one of the most powerful realizations is this:

We do not only receive stimulation and soothing. We also give them.

We can bring encouragement, creativity, humor, energy, and inspiration into someone else’s life.

We can also bring calm, reassurance, steadiness, and presence.

Sometimes the greatest gift is not solving someone else’s problem but helping another person’s nervous system feel safer in our presence.

In a world that constantly pulls us toward more stimulation, learning how to balance stimulation and soothing may be one of the smartest emotional skills we can develop — for ourselves and for the people around us.

To talk more about how all this may affect your own life, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

Kindness As Kind. Kindness As Mean?

National Random Acts of Kindness Day is February 17th.

A couple of weeks ago in January, we had that great big snowstorm. The pre-storm line at Trader Joe’s was a maze. I could see the end of it, by the cash register, but not the beginning—because there seemed to be several beginnings.

After I pulled my cart in behind what I thought was the last cart in line, a young man behind me, with a baby carriage, told me smugly that the line started somewhere else. So, I moved. Then it turned out he was wrong. So, I moved again, somewhere else. And this time he nodded, almost nicely, which I took as an acknowledgment, of having snapped at me in error, in the first place.

Then a woman near what I thought was the right place to stand chastised me for what she believed was my cutting in front of someone else—someone who happened to be the only woman of color in the area. And I will say, honestly, it felt to me like I was being accused of racism on this count.

So, I apologized and moved again, even though that woman had not been on my radar at all in this very crowded space—because she had no cart. Curious, I asked, “What happened to your cart?” She explained that she was with someone else who was shopping while she held their place in line.

Some might say that was kind of her. Although, she seemed a little sheepish explaining why she wasn’t exactly in line when I arrived. So maybe she didn’t think what she was doing was 100% kind. Maybe kind to her friend but not to any one else. Others might say that the woman who called me out was also acting out of kindness— protecting what she saw as someone else’s rights. Still, I have to say her reprimand didn’t feel to me at all kind.

Then I saw my neighbor. She had no cart and a bunch of bananas. I asked, “Wait—is that all you have?” When she said yes, I said, “Give me those bananas.”

Yes, I felt a twinge of guilt—but it was only bananas. Until she added celery. And then, because her family was going to ride out the storm in her apartment, she added chocolate pudding that her granddaughter loves, ground beef for chili, potato chips, seaweed snacks… and I forget what else.

By the time we reached the checkout, I suffered full-blown guilt. I only meant to be banana bunch kind, but wound up feeling anything but, having been complicit in this big fat cutting in line.

So you tell me: In all of this, who was kind and who was not? Complicated, isn’t it. 

And, it doesn’t take a genius to notice how this confusion about kindness extends to far larger arenas and issues than our grocery store line—pitting people against each other all over the place in ways that are anything but kind, even if and when they masquerade as exactly that.

3 Ways to Stand Down to Stand Up for Kindness

Way #1: Notice How Kindness Lands, Not Just How It’s Intended

Nearly everyone in that line was acting from their own sense of goodness—correcting, protecting, helping, accommodating. They meant well. The impact, however, was uneven. Simply noticing a potential difference between intent and experience feels like one way of standing down.

Way #2: Stepping Away from Moral Refereeing

In moments like these, it’s tempting to decide—quickly and confidently—who is good and who is wrong. But moral certainty often escalates situations rather than resolving them. Standing down can mean tolerating the discomfort of not declaring a winner.

Way #3: Control Only What Is Yours to Control

A client reminded me that I told him this on January 7th, after January 6th: Control only what you can. And what you can control does not include other people. It may also help—though it isn’t comforting—to remember that other people experience themselves as good and right too. He recently told me that this learning has helped him to bring together two large well-known companies—on opposite sides of the political spectrum—to produce products and services for the good of all. He now finds it his calling, and great pleasure, to be able to bridge gaps that so many others today feel they cannot.

ME: Good and Right. YOU: Bad and Wrong.

We all want to think we are good. Studies even show generosity and cooperation to be hardwired into the brain. But kindness is murky. Just as murky as our current moment, when nearly everyone believes they are the kind one—and anyone who may see and do things differently is not.

What may be kindness in the eyes of one can be suicidal empathy in the eyes of another—a form of compassion so certain of its own goodness that it cannot tolerate limits, disagreement, or unintended harm.

I don’t know how to fix this.

But perhaps standing down—especially on National Random Acts of Kindness Day and beyond—is less about performing goodness and more about resisting certainty. About leaving a little room for the possibility that others, too, believe they are acting in good faith.

Knowing this might just help us to at least do no harm. Your thoughts?

To work on this or something else, contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

How Heavy Is It?

Maybe you’ve heard this story. It’s so good. Bears repeating. Here goes…

A professor once held up a glass of water and asked the class that very question.

“Eight ounces?” someone guessed. “Maybe twelve?” another said.

The teacher smiled and replied, “It doesn’t matter how heavy it is. What matters is how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s fine. An hour, my arm will ache. A day, and I’ll collapse. The weight doesn’t change—but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels.”

We’ve all heard versions of this story before—but it bears repeating because every one of us carries invisible glasses of our own. The worries, the deadlines, the what ifs. The longer we hold them, the heavier they feel.

It’s Not What Happens, It’s How We Hold It

Modern science is catching up with that timeless lesson. Stress, it turns out, isn’t just about what happens to us—it’s about how we hold what happens.

The American College of Lifestyle Medicine (2025) defines stress as a whole-body experience involving biology, psychology, and environment. When a challenge arises, hormones like cortisol and adrenaline surge to help us act. But when the “on” switch stays stuck, the system wears down. Chronic stress has been linked to inflammation, sleep problems, depression, and heart disease.

Even more interesting, recent research shows that how we interpret stress can change its impact. People who view stress as a signal to pause, breathe, and regroup recover faster than those who see it as purely harmful. Mindset matters—not just emotionally, but biologically.

Why It Feels Heavier Now

If you’ve felt more tense lately, you’re far from alone. A 2025 Managed Healthcare Executive report found that workplace stress and performance pressure are at record highs. “Nearly one in four young adults now report significant symptoms of burnout, according to the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America report.”

Outside of work, families are facing what The Guardian called a “stress crisis” tied to financial, health, and housing insecurity. And our kids and grandkids aren’t immune—student surveys show rising anxiety about everything from grades to global issues.

It’s as if everyone is holding their glass just too long.

What Happens When We Don’t Put the Glass Down

When stress becomes chronic, the nervous system forgets what “safe” feels like. The body stays on high alert—tight muscles, shallow breathing, scattered focus. It’s adaptive for a moment but exhausting over time.

Think of cortisol like caffeine: a little helps you focus; a constant drip leaves you jittery, sleepless, and drained. That’s the allostatic load—the wear and tear the body endures when recovery never happens.

As a psychotherapist and coach, I’ve seen how invisible this load can be. People think they’re fine until one small frustration—the email, the delay, the disagreement—tips them over. It’s not the event that breaks them; it’s the weight of everything they’ve been holding all along.

5 Science-Backed Ways to Lighten the Load

The good news is that stress is one of the most modifiable health risks we face. We can’t avoid all triggers, but we can change how we respond to them.

1. Small Pauses, Big Payoff

The 2025 UCS found that even five-minute “micro-moments” of rest—breathing, stretching, or quiet reflection—significantly improved mood and lowered perceived stress. You don’t need an hour of meditation; one mindful minute, repeated often, counts.

2. Move the Body, Free the Mind

Exercise remains one of the most powerful stress relievers. A brisk walk can lower cortisol within 20 minutes. Don’t think of movement as another task—think of it as emptying the glass a little before it spills.

3. Social Connect

The ACLM now recognizes social connection as a core pillar of stress management. A laugh with a friend, a quick call, or a shared meal all help to regulate hormones through oxytocin and parasympathetic activation.

4. Reframe, Don’t Deny

Pushing stress away doesn’t work—it just lodges deeper. Try naming it instead: This is stress, and my body’s doing its job. That simple acknowledgment engages the thinking brain and restores perspective.

5. Sleep Is Sacred

No amount of coffee can outthink a tired brain. Rest is recovery, not laziness. Quality sleep restores hormonal balance, clears emotional clutter, and lets the body repair the damage stress can cause.

For practical tips, the CDC’s “Managing Stress” guide offers accessible ways to reset during the day. And here is a fav of mine called One-Touch that I have written about before

The Challenge for High-Achievers

Many high-achievers—especially those who care deeply about doing things right—resist rest because it feels unproductive. But rest isn’t idleness; it’s essential maintenance.

When you rest, your nervous system recalibrates. Your thinking sharpens. Your ability to make decisions improves. Your emotional bandwidth returns.
And the problems that felt overwhelming suddenly become workable again.

The Reframe: Stress Isn’t the Villain

What if it’s a message rather than the villain we think it is?

What if it’s a message that Something needs attention. Maybe it’s too much, too fast, or too constant. When we listen, we can adjust. When we ignore it, it only grows louder.

The point isn’t to live a stress-free life—that’s not realistic. The point is to recognize it for what it is: information, not identity.

The weight of the glass, after all, was never the problem. The problem was forgetting or refusing to put it down.

The Real Lesson

Ask yourself: What’s in your glass today?

What thoughts, worries, or responsibilities are you carrying today that you could set down for another day, if not forever?

Take a breath. Stretch your shoulders. Call someone who makes you laugh. Step outside and feel the air. The science is clear: we were never meant to hold everything all the time.

So find something to set down. Rest your arm. You can always pick it back up if and when that’s the right thing to do.

And for help with this or something else contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

Why Should You Make a New Habit?

This post refreshes and updates one I shared last year for Self-Improvement Month, with the latest market numbers and insights for 2025. Now more than ever, with everything going on in the world — this is the perfect time to upgrade how we live our lives, for ourselves and for everyone counting on us.

September is Self-Improvement Month, and making new habits is a great way to improve yourself and your life. Maybe you thought you had ‘til January 1st to upgrade yourself and your life. But the National Calendar says the time is now.

After all, for many people, resolutions they made in January have failed by now anyway, by February actually. So now would be a good time to try again.

I always want to learn and grow this time of year anyway. People suggest vacation ideas for this time of year, the shoulder season in many terrific places, with rates lower and crowds thinner.

But not for me. For me, it’s ‘back to school’ season, with the days of repentance and renewal coming up too. So, I for one have had enough vacation, gorgeous as it was. Right now, I just want to learn and grow—and improve.

What is Self-Improvement?

Zion Market Research defines self-improvement as:

“The process of improving one’s knowledge, abilities, character, and general well-being is referred to as self-improvement. It entails making conscious efforts to grow in all spheres of one’s life—emotional, intellectual, physical, and social. Numerous activities, including picking up new abilities, forming wholesome habits, improving emotional intelligence, and more, might be included in this process.”

Over the past few years, for Self-Improvement Month, I posted a few fun facts, which I am updating here below:

– Organizations began promoting self-improvement in the 1980s, becoming a national event by 1988.

– The U.S. Spends $41.23 Billion/Year on Self-Improvement, up a lot from $10.4 Billion/Year last time I posted.

– The market includes:

• Books

• Audiobooks

• Infomercials

• Motivational speakers

• Public seminars

• Workshops

• Holistic institutes

• Personal coaching

• Weight loss programs

• Apps

• Internet courses

• Training organizations and more

…for topics, such as:

• Weight loss/exercise

• Business/sales skills

• Business opportunities/investing

• Improving relationships

• and general motivational

The global self-improvement market is estimated to reach $81.77 Billion/Year in 2032, compared with the $56.66 billion by 2027 posted last time.

What drives all this growth? Some say “…the growing awareness that a harmonious balance between mental, emotional, and physical aspects is a necessary component of true well-being….reflects a wider recognition that cultivating a resilient attitude and emotional balance are essential elements of attaining total well-being when confronted with the obstacles presented by contemporary living.”

Let me add another driver; that is, that growing is fun and feels good—the best antidote I know for feeling bad.

The tree wants to grow. The bird wants to fly. And so do humans. And when they don’t, they can get depressed.

So many clients have thought that their misery was the job, the spouse, the money or lack thereof, the whatever outside of themselves…when it turned out to be, simply put, that they were bored.

These clients, and so many people in general, cling to ‘same ole same ole’ habits of living that suck the excitement and enjoyment out of their lives.

It’s not that habits are bad, and we will get to what’s really good about them. It is more that old habits need to make way for the new to help us grow and feel alive.

And that is why making new habits is a great way to kick off September, Self-Improvement Month. So, what is a habit? And how can we make and sustain a new one?

The Self-Improvement Market in 2025

The self-improvement industry continues to grow rapidly:

• United States:

  • Estimated at $12.14B in 2024, projected to $22.08B by 2034.

  • Estimated at $12.57B in 2024, rising to $15.58B by 2030.

  • A broader definition values it at $16.5B in 2024, expected to reach $28.3B by 2033.

• Global:

  • Estimated at $48.4B in 2024, projected to $67.21B by 2030.

  • Estimated at $50.42B in 2024, growing to $86.54B by 2034.

  • A broader “products & services” measure puts it at $59.22B in 2024, rising to $64.61B in 2025.

📚 What’s Included in the Market

• Books

• Audiobooks

• Infomercials

• Motivational speakers

• Public seminars & workshops

• Holistic institutes

• Personal coaching

• Weight-loss programs

• Mobile apps

• Online courses

• Training organizations — and more

🌱 Popular Self-Improvement Topics

• Weight loss & exercise

• Business & sales skills

• Business opportunities & investing

• Improving relationships

• General motivation & mindset

What is a Habit?

From LiveScience:

“A habit is a behavior that has become automatic, according to a 2019 article published in the Oxford Research Encyclopedia. Habits can be formed and eliminated deliberately or unintentionally. We may not even be aware of some of these behaviors.”

Habits help us a lot. Consider the barrage of information we face every day, “equivalent to reading 500 pages of information or an entire encyclopedia every minute.”

Because it would be humanly impossible to process all of that information consciously, we have habits or automatic and easily repeatable actions and behaviors that we don’t have to waste any energy thinking about.

That’s great, but some of those habits were put there by the 5-year-old you used to be—no doubt cute and smart, and very much meaning well by you—but a 5-year-old nonetheless.

And, really, how much do we want a 5-year-old in charge of our lives?

At the very least, it may be time for a review of the major life-shaping habits of your life; like sleep, diet, exercise, work habits, and the like.

I know people who know their lives would be better if only they…but they don’t. Often, it is more like a 2-year-old just saying “NO, I can do whatever I want.” To assert themselves, they will even defy whatever it is they think is right.

Basically, any new behavior is going to have to be directed consciously and willfully by you. This means that if you wait until you ‘feel like it’, which a lot of people do, the day and the desired lifestyle change may never come.

So how can we create and maintain a new habit to improve ourselves and our lives?

How To Create and Maintain a New Habit for Self-Improvement

Bear in mind that this does not happen overnight. It can begin overnight but takes time to lock into your basal ganglia, where it takes on that easy automatic life of its own that you don’t even have to think about.

We have heard that it takes 21 days to make a habit. But this was speculation in the 1960s, not science, from cosmetic surgeon Maxwell Maltz, who believed that’s how long it took his patients to change the mental image of their new look.

More recent studies have found between 18 and 254 days to make a habit (an average of 66 days), depending on motives, resources, self-regulation, and environmental, social, and biological influences.

So, let’s say you want to establish a more consistent sleep routine. This is, by the way, an excellent idea. And, consistency with this and any new habit is key.

How long it will take is anyone’s guess, but you will know you are getting there when it takes less effort to do the new behavior and, in fact, you feel uncomfortable if you don’t.

Consistency is what plants it into your brain. Repetition is what builds the neural connections deeply in your brain that make it easy and automatic for you to upgrade in this way.

Other suggestions in addition to consistency and repetition include:

• Start small. Manageable and measurable. You can always increase over time.

• Pair with something related. What are you eating and drinking before you get into bed? Screentime? Anything in there you want to tweak at the same time?

• Is there a reward you want to pair with your new behavior? Something that delights you? Or with sleep, let’s say, is how good you feel with this new way of doing your sleep reward enough for you?

• What about a Buddy? Or some other form of accountability support system, like coaching, or e-learning—to help maintain whatever new habit(s) you want to invite into your life.

Above all, I would say know your WHY—your very own reason for wanting to take on the effort that this will be until it takes hold—because this is what will keep you from rebelling against and defeating yourself. 😉 For help with this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

With Love,
Madelaine

Photo by Freepik

What is going on? So many are asking. It reminds me of something someone once told me—that I was much better in a crisis than when things were just swimming along. I’ve evened out emotionally over the years, so I’m not sure if that’s still true. But I do see it in some of my clients right now. Better in a crisis, that is.

First, let’s define crisis. According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, it’s “a situation that is extremely difficult or dangerous, when there are many problems.”

I also have a definition from my training: a crisis is when what used to work, doesn’t work anymore. By that definition, many people feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under them—what used to work doesn’t work anymore.

And yet… others are having breakthroughs.

So why is that? Here’s my take—it has to do with locus of control. The more out-of-control things (and our emotional reactions to them) seem, the more some can see where their control does and does not lie.

That clarity can be a very good thing. Here’s how it works (from a piece I posted around the outbreak of the Ukrainian War).

What is Locus of Control?

Locus of control (LOC), first defined by psychologist Julian Rotter in 1966, is our perception of the causes of the events and experiences in our lives.

External LOC is a perception that things are happening to us, that our successes and failures are caused by factors external to us.

People with internal LOC, by contrast, do not think things happen to them by luck or fate.

Rather, they have a sense of ‘agency’. They see themselves in control of whether they succeed or fail in work and life. This means, above all, having control over ourselves—because sometimes we exercise our so called ‘agency’ just to reassure our shaky selves when anxiety rules the day.

Here is an earlier post for that.

But let’s also be clear that, when we say internal LOC, we are not talking about an internalized version of someone else’s ideas for us. It is, rather, that deeper and truer internal voice of our own. 

This does not mean, however, that the voices of valued others are not in the mix along the way of our lives. Scott Mautz distinguishes between “solo-powered” and “solar-powered” to make the point that in-control people draw on the “heat and energy” of others, precisely because they understand it is not possible to control things all by themselves.

Internal versus External LOC

High internal LOC (“There is something I can do”) has been found to exceed external LOC (“It’s all out of my hands”) on a variety of parameters that matter to us. These include: general happiness, healthier lifestyles, less obesity, academic success, greater confidence, and lower stress levels.

Other benefits of high internal LOC include: 136% of employees more likely to love their career, 148% more likely to recommend their company as great to work for, and 113% more likely to give their best effort at work.

As with most if not all human traits, we are all likely somewhere along a continuum with external LOC on one end and internal LOC on the other. Thus, it can be said that we are each, in general, relatively high or low, internal or external, LOC.

Where is Your Locus of Control?

Now you want to know which one you are? Here below is how you can tell whether you are dominant internal or external LOC.

Internal Locus of Control

• • Are more likely to take responsibility for their actions
  • Tend to be less influenced by the opinions of other people
  • Often do better at tasks when they are allowed to work at their own pace
  • Usually, have a strong sense of self-efficacy
  • Tend to work hard to achieve the things they want
  • Feel confident in the face of challenges
  • Tend to be physically healthier
  • Report being happier and more independent
  • Often achieve greater success in the workplace

External Locus of Control

• • Blame outside forces for their circumstances
  • Often credit luck or chance for any successes
  • Don’t believe that they can change their situation through their own efforts
  • Frequently feel hopeless or powerless in the face of difficult situations
  • Are more prone to experiencing learned helplessness

There is a time and a place for everything, including external LOC. Let’s say whatever has gone bad really was outside of your control. Putting all the responsibility on the self, true or not, can damage self-esteem enough to interfere with believing there is anything we can do about anything at all.

How to Regulate Locus of Control

That said, given the benefits of internal LOC, here is a 5-step adaptation of an exercise I found online to help us get more internal LOC when we need it:

 1. Imagine a situation over which you feel you have no control.

2. Make a list of all the things in this situation that you do not control.

3. Make a list of aspects of the situation that you do control. (This list has to be as long as the list of do not’s.)

4. Now, focus on and build on the list of what you can control. Let it inspire you to expand on what else you can control that you might not have realized at the start.

5.  And then, it’s time for action—guided by the Goldilocks Principle. One foot in front of the other. One step at a      time. Not so big they overwhelm and shut us down. Not so small the brain gets bored and checks out. But just right—keeping us moving forward with clarity, focus, and a sense of possibility.

 For help with this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Photo by Freepik

Love,

Madelaine

Why Spring Clean? Spring isn’t just about warmer weather and blooming flowers—it’s a time of deep-rooted cleaning traditions found in cultures across the world. From Persian Nowruz, where homes are thoroughly cleaned to welcome the new year, to Jewish Passover preparations, where every crumb of leavened bread is removed, to Thailand’s Songkran Festival, where homes are cleaned and water is splashed to symbolize renewal—cleaning in spring has long symbolized a fresh start.

But beyond scouring shelves, scrubbing floors, and splashing water, there are spaces that hold the key to making a delightful difference in your life. Here are four powerful spaces to clean this spring for a major reset.

1. Your Space: Clean Your Environment, Boost Your Energy

Your surroundings shape your focus, mood, and productivity. Whether at home or in the office, a cluttered, dusty space can drain your energy without you even realizing it. This spring, refresh your space with a deep clean and declutter:

✔ Clear high-traffic zones: Tidy up entryways, desks, and surfaces that collect daily clutter.
✔ Deep clean neglected spots: Dust vents, wash windows, and clear out drawers or cabinets.
✔ Simplify and refresh: Donate what you don’t use, improve lighting, and add small touches like plants to create a more inviting space.

Why it matters: A cleaner, more organized environment reduces stress, boosts productivity, and makes every day feel lighter and more focused.

2. Your Digital Space: Declutter Your Devices

If your phone, laptop, or inbox is a mess, it can drain your energy just as much as a cluttered home. This spring, give your digital life its due attention:

✔ Clean up your inbox: Unsubscribe from emails you never read.
✔ Organize your desktop: Sort files into folders and get rid of outdated documents.
✔ Declutter your social media: Unfollow accounts that no longer inspire you and mute the negative.

Why it matters: A cleaner digital space means less mental clutter, fewer distractions, and more focus on what truly matters.

3. Your Social Space: Strengthen the Right Connections

Relationships can be energizing—or draining. Just like your home and inbox, your social circle might need a reset too. This spring, take stock of who and what you’re investing your time in:

✔ Reconnect with people who uplift you: Reach out to old friends or plan quality time with loved ones.
✔ Set boundaries where needed: If certain relationships feel toxic or one-sided, consider limiting the time and energy spent with them.
✔ Clean up your social calendar: Are you overcommitted? Say no to obligations that don’t bring joy or growth.

Why it matters: Your time and energy are valuable—protect them by surrounding yourself with people and activities that align with your values and well-being.

4. Your Mental Space: Let Go of What No Longer Serves You

Spring cleaning isn’t just about externals—it’s about refreshing your mindset too. Take time to:

✔ Reevaluate commitments: Are you saying yes to things that drain you? It’s time to set boundaries.
✔ Let go of negative self-talk: Challenge limiting beliefs and replace them with empowering ones.
✔ Create a self-care reset: Whether it’s journaling, meditating, or simply taking more mindful breaks, make space for what nourishes you.

Why it matters: Cleaning your mental space creates room for new energy, better habits, and greater clarity in your life.

Final Thoughts: Your Spring Reset Starts Now

By refreshing these four spaces—your environment, your digital world, your social life, and your mind—you’re not just tidying up, you’re creating a better, brighter life with more clarity, energy, and connection. A fresh space, a decluttered digital world, and stronger relationships all support a clear and focused mind—the foundation for lasting wellness.

For a quick, simple, yet powerful way to reset your mindset, try my Power Breathing Exercise—a fast and effective practice to ground yourself and bring fresh energy into everything in your life.

👉 Visit https://madelaineweiss.com/power_breathing/ to get started!

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Freepik

Why Should You Make a New Habit?

Here’s why: September is Self-Improvement Month, and making new habits is a great way to improve yourself and your life. Maybe you thought you had ‘til January 1st to upgrade yourself and your life. But the National Calendar says the time is now.

After all, for many people, resolutions they made in January have failed by now anyway, by February actually. So now would be a good time to try again.

I always want to learn and grow this time of year. People suggest vacation ideas for this time of year, the shoulder season in many terrific places, with rates lower and crowds thinner.

But not for me. For me, it’s ‘back to school’ season, with the days of repentance and renewal coming up too. So, I for one have had enough vacation, gorgeous as it was. Right now, I just want to learn and grow—and improve.

What is Self-Improvement?

Zion Market Research defines self-improvement as:

The process of improving one’s knowledge, abilities, character, and general well-being is referred to as self-improvement. It entails making conscious efforts to grow in all spheres of one’s life—emotional, intellectual, physical, and social. Numerous activities, including picking up new abilities, forming wholesome habits, improving emotional intelligence, and more, might be included in this process.

Over the past few years, for self-improvement month, I posted a few fun facts, which I am updating here below:

– Organizations began promoting self-improvement in the 1980s, becoming a national event by 1988.

– The U.S. Spends $41.23 Billion/Year on Self-Improvement, up a lot from $10.4 Billion/Year last time I posted.

– The market includes:

• • Books
  • Audio books
  • Infomercials
  • Motivational speakers
  • Public seminars
  • Workshops
  • Holistic institutes
  • Personal Coaching
  • Weight loss programs
  • Apps
  • Internet courses
  • Training organizations and more

…for topics, such as:

• • Weight loss/exercise
  • Business/sales skills
  • Business opportunities/investing
  • Improving relationships
  • and general motivational

The global self-improvement market is estimated to reach $81.77 Billion/Year in 2032, compared with the $56.66 billion by 2027 posted last time.

What drives all this growth? Some say “…the growing awareness that a harmonious balance between mental, emotional, and physical aspects is a necessary component of true well-being….reflects a wider recognition that cultivating a resilient attitude and emotional balance are essential elements of attaining total well-being when confronted with the obstacles presented by contemporary living.”

Let me add another driver; that is, that growing is fun and feels good—the best antidote I know for feeling bad.

The tree wants to grow. The bird wants to fly. And so do humans. And when they don’t, they can get depressed.

So many clients have thought that their misery was the job, the spouse, the money or lack thereof, the whatever outside of themselves…when it turned out to be, simply put, that they were bored.

These clients, and so many people in general, cling to ‘same ole same ole’ habits of living that suck the excitement and enjoyment out of their lives.

It’s not that habits are bad, and we will get to what’s really good about them. It is more that old habits need to make way for the new to help us grow and feel alive.  

And that is why making new habits is a great way to kick off September, Self-Improvement Month. So, what is a habit? And how can we make and sustain a new one? 

What is a Habit?

From LiveScience:

A habit is a behavior that has become automatic, according to a 2019 article published in the Oxford Research Encyclopedia. Habits can be formed and eliminated deliberately or unintentionally. We may not even be aware of some of these behaviors. 

Habits help us a lot. Consider the barrage of information we face every day, “equivalent to reading 500 pages of information or an entire encyclopedia every minute.”

Because it would be humanly impossible to process all of that information consciously, we have habits or automatic and easily repeatable actions and behaviors that we don’t have to waste any energy thinking about.

That’s great, but some of those habits were put there by the 5-year-old you used to be—no doubt cute and smart, and very much meaning well by you—but a 5-year-old nonetheless.

And, really, how much do we want a 5-year-old in charge of our lives?

At the very least, it may be time for a review of the major life-shaping habits of your life; like sleep, diet, exercise, work habits, and the like.

I know people who know their lives would be better if only they…but they don’t. Often, it is more like a 2-year-old just saying “NO, I can do whatever I want,” and to assert themselves, they defy whatever it is they think is right. 

Basically, any new behavior is going to have to be directed consciously and willfully by you. This means that if you wait until you ‘feel like it’, which a lot of people do, the day and the desired lifestyle change may never, ever come. 

So how can we create and maintain a new habit to improve ourselves and our lives?

How To Create and Maintain a New Habit for Self-Improvement

Bear in mind that this does not happen overnight. It can begin overnight but takes time to lock into your basal ganglia, where it takes on that easy automatic life of its own that you don’t even have to think about.

We have heard that it takes 21 days to make a habit. But this was speculation in the 1960s, not science, from a cosmetic surgeon, Maxwell Maltz, who believed that’s how long it took his patients to change the mental image of their new look. 

More recent studies have found between 18 and 254 days to make a habit (an average of 66 days), depending on motives, resources, self-regulation, and environmental, social, and biological influences.

So, let’s say you want to establish a more consistent sleep routine. This is, by the way, an excellent idea. And, consistency with this and any new habit is key. 

How long it will take is anyone’s guess, but you will know you are getting there when it takes less effort to do the new behavior, and in fact, you feel uncomfortable if you don’t.

Consistency is what plants it into your brain. Repetition is what builds the neural connections deeply in your brain that make it easy and automatic for you to upgrade in this way.

Other suggestions in addition to consistency and repetition include:

• Start small. Manageable and measurable. You can always increase over time.
• Pair with something related. What are you eating and drinking before you get into bed? Screentime? Anything in there you want to tweak at the same time?
• Is there a reward you want to pair with your new behavior? Something that delights you? Or with sleep, let’s say, is how good you feel with this new way of doing your sleep reward enough for you?
• What about a Buddy? Or some other form of accountability support system, like coaching, or e-learning—to help maintain whatever new habit(s) you want to invite into your life.\ 

Above all, I would say know your WHY—your very own reason for wanting to take on the effort that this will be until it takes hold—because this is what will keep you from rebelling against and defeating yourself. 😉 

With Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Freepik

What is Stress Spiraling?

Stress spiraling is when a parent’s stress triggers a child’s stress, which then loops back to the parent, affecting the entire family’s dynamic. By stress, we mean the physical, emotional, or mental tension in response to changes or challenges, whether positive or negative.

Professionally, I have seen how stress can ripple through a family in an escalating spiral of tension and anxiety; for example, when a child is having trouble adjusting to a parent’s new work travel schedule and refusing to go to school.

Personally, I can still remember my mother dissolving into a heap of tears in the truant officer’s arms. After my father had passed, we moved to a new town, she went to work for a steel company, and I didn’t have it in me to get myself to a school where I knew no one. At least in my part of the world, people did not talk to their children about their feelings back then. Nor did they teach me how to draw on my internal and external resources to cope.

Enter “What’s Your Story?”— a personal development workbook designed to help children learn about their minds, navigate their emotions, share their stories, and build stronger, more resilient connections to themselves and their families, in school and life. If only my adult clients had the benefit of a few simple tips and techniques earlier on, they may not have struggled as much in their lives.

Old habits die hard, so why not teach the healthier habits of the mind sooner, giving the good habits the best chance to take hold and guide them in their lives? I will have much more to say about “What’s Your Story?” as we approach the launch—and warmly invite you to click here to be in the loop for book launch announcements and discounts.

For now, we all know that parental stress impacts the kids. What may be harder to talk about is how profoundly a child’s stress can affect the parents. It’s not that parents don’t know how stressful parenting can be sometimes. It’s more that the child’s stressful impact on the family can induce guilt. After all, they are just children, and we love them.

So, the issue might be avoided or mismanaged rather than effectively addressed. And then it festers. This stress spiraling doesn’t stop there—it spills over into the parent’s work life, further influencing the family environment in troubling ways.

The upside is that I’ve also witnessed how simple interventions can interrupt stress spiraling, bringing relief and harmony back to parents, children, and families. So, let’s take a closer look at how parents affect their kids and vice versa, and what can be done to help put kids, parents, and families on the best possible footing in their lives.

The Impact of Parental Stress on Kids

The CDC reports that roughly 1 in 6 children aged 6-17 in the U.S. have a diagnosed mental health disorder, such as anxiety, depression, or behavioral disorders. And, the Children’s Society reports a 50% increase in the likelihood of young people developing mental health problems over the last three years, with five children in a typical classroom of 30 likely to have mental health issues.

Factors such as the pandemic, academic pressure, social media, and racial and ethnic discrimination, all play a role. So does parental stress—which can start in the womb, linked to neurobiological challenges, and can start in infancy, later linked to anxiety and behavioral problems.

When my daughter was born, someone gave me a beautiful poem, which I assume applies to Dad’s too, or whoever is closely associated with the child:

Baby’s Skies

Would you know the baby’s skies? Baby’s skies are mother’s eyes.

Mother’s eyes and smile together Make the baby’s pleasant weather.

Mother, keep your eyes from tears, Keep your heart from foolish fears.

Keep your lips from dull complaining Less the baby thinks it’s raining. 

Much as I love this poem, there is something we need to qualify here. It is not recommended that parents try to completely hide and protect their children from their emotions, mostly because they can’t! Kids are intensely curious about what is happening around them, especially any tension that could feel upsetting or threatening to them.

Parents may feel stressed by time, money, career, marital and other relationships, health, and internal issues, such as self-doubt. And, even if it doesn’t manifest explicitly in the parent’s behavior toward the child, e.g., yelling or ignoring, their stress is still not lost on their child.  Besides, there is a golden opportunity for role modeling when parents age-appropriately share with their kids that there is a problem and how they are addressing it. 

As per the adage, when the plane is in trouble, we have to put the oxygen mask on our face first, before we can help our child, there is much that parents can do to alleviate some of their own stress that is impacting their child.  There is walking in nature (take your kid!), exercise, meditation, music, journaling, yoga, reading, gardening, biking, whatever works for you.

And, of course, especially if you are short on time, there is my favorite, the 30-second mindset reset I call Power Breathing, which you can access here.   Stress is everywhere, and all families experience it. Even positive events, if they call for a change in routine, can be stressful too. Vacations are a great example of that.

So, it’s not whether parents are stressed, but how well they are demonstrating to their kids that—even though they may be having big emotions themselves—nothing they can’t handle. Now let’s add the children to the list of what stresses parents.

The Impact of Childhood Stress on Parents

In 2008, we learned that happiness is a U-shaped curve over the lifespan. The finding, which has remained stable over time, is depicted here below:

As you can see, happiness dips during the child rearing years, which may be the parental burnout years. Although there is some debate, experts refer to parental burnout as a condition distinct from both job burnout and more generalized depression.

Robyn Koslowitz, Ph.D, talks about people who find going to work a day at the beach compared with trying to meet parenting expectations, challenges, and demands.   So, it’s not the job. And, in many cases, it is not depression either. She makes the distinction this way:  

If I tell a clinically depressed person that I’m hiring a nanny, a housekeeper, and a personal assistant to take care of 95% of their daily hassles, and I’m sending them on an all-expenses-paid vacation to an exotic island resort, they will likely show up to that resort, get into bed, and sleep. They will not be able to muster up interest in the opportunities at the resort. Even the five-star cuisine won’t tempt them. 

If I do the same to a burned-out parent, the outcome would be very different. Sure, the first day or so, that parent will need to rest. But after that, it’s “Resort, here I come!” The burned-out parent reassured that their children are in good hands and work is handled and that they are free to engage in self-care will proceed to do so. Burnout is context-specific for the burned-out parent. This means that it’s a different condition than depression and needs to be recognized as such. 

So, what is all this exhaustion about? For starters, the average adult makes roughly 35,000 decisions a day. For parents, there are decisions about what to feed them, how to dress them, school activities and choices, play dates—and then for the older kids, there is college, driver’s license, and social media, to name a few. No wonder doctors are now talking about a condition they call “decision fatigue.” 

And, some of it is coming directly from the kids. The birth of a sibling can produce unpleasant and unwanted behaviors. So can sibling rivalry, the challenges of special needs, a sensitive temperament, or a day at school gone bad, in the schoolyard or class. And here is how it can start to feel, according to researcher, Moïra Mikolajczak, PhD:

These parents will tell you, ‘I love my children, but I can’t stand being around them anymore; actually, I can’t stand being a parent anymore,’ Mikolajczak said. 

To make matters worse, parenting has practically become a competitive sport. Parents want to be seen as good parents, in their own eyes and the eyes of others. But filled with shame and guilt at falling short in their own eyes, parents may distance themselves from their children to conserve energy if nothing else, meanwhile producing even more behavior with which to contend.

And there we have the stress spiraling we are talking about. So what can help?

Breaking the Negative Cycle of Stress Spiraling

How can parents transform stress spiraling into a story of growth, connection, and greater happiness? Well, even small changes can make a big difference in a family’s well-being and resilience.  What’s Your Story? aims to build just that with practical exercises about everyday matters for kids in school and life. Again, click the link and I will keep you posted.

Your child can either do these on their own, or it can be something you do together. Advanced reviewers are saying there is much in this read for adults too!  Another small shift with a huge potential impact is for parents to repeat back to their children what they have heard them say.

Too often, parents try to talk sense to their children, let’s say in the middle of a meltdown—when the child is in no condition to hear, let alone understand and accept, the parent’s logic.  This leaves children feeling alone with it all, exacerbating the behavior the parent was trying to calm.

When the parent repeats back what the child has conveyed, it is like first taking the child’s tender heart by the hand and then leading it to a calmer, happier, more rational place. And just one more thing for now: Pew Research Center found that “88% of parents agree that having children is one of the most important things they have done, suggesting that the joy and fulfillment of parenthood outweigh feelings of regret for the majority.”

This means there is an 88% chance this applies to you. Remember that when you need it. Remember your why. And Enjoy!

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Freepik

What is Grit?

Grit is a psychological trait popularized by researcher Angela Duckworth’s bestseller: Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. As the title suggests grit, “a combination of passion and perseverance for a singularly important goal—is the hallmark of high achievers in every domain.”

It is the resilience to keep pursuing your objectives over long periods, even when you are faced with difficulties, failures, or distractions. Duckworth’s research finds that grit is, therefore, more predictive of success than either intelligence or talent alone.

So, of course, grit is good for academic and career success, but that’s not all. Grit is good for just about every area of our lives. I can certainly think of times in my own life when resilience and persistence were my best friends.

Only one example would be the gusto with which I went after my hard and long treatment post-flesh-eating disease. Who knew if I would ever be able to use my right arm again? Who knew if I would even get to keep it? And if I did, who knew if I would be able to drive or work with whatever was left of it? And yet, I was determined that I would. So I could.

Every single one of us has survived everything we have ever been through to date, meaning chances are very good that you have your own examples of how grit helped you in some areas of your own life. For example…

What is Grit Good For?

Here are some areas where grit may have already, or can in the future, help you in your life.

• Academic Success: Students tend to perform better academically if they can persist through challenging coursework, setbacks, and failures. They are better able to maintain focus and motivation over the long term.
• Career Achievement: Here too, with career advancement and success, gritty people are more likely to overcome obstacles, take on challenging projects, and stay committed to their career goals.
• Personal Development: People who are more resilient in the face of adversity, are more likely to bounce back from setbacks and continue working toward personal growth and development.
• Health and Well-being: Individuals with grit cope better with stress, maintain healthy habits, and persevere through difficult situations, leading to improved overall well-being.
• Relationships: People with perseverance and commitment are more likely to invest time and effort into maintaining relationships, resolving conflicts, and overcoming relationship challenges.

Can you think of a time when your grit helped you in any of the areas above? And if you think that maybe you could use a little more grit, the good news is that you can grow it, and here is how.

How Can You Grow Grit?

A Norwegian pilot study found that participants who took a 35-40 online course grew their innate grit!

“We try to create an ‘I can’ attitude, a belief that they really will succeed. We also want to equip students with strategies that can help them evoke this feeling when they later find themselves in situations where they need it,” says Professor Sigmundsson.

Evoking this feeling over and over again can in itself strengthen the networks in the brain needed to develop greater grit over time.

As I have written about before, it also helps a lot to say “I get to” instead of “I have to” for whatever it is that you might be having trouble sticking with.

And for another easy DIY way to evoke this feeling of ‘I can” over and over again, you can try this:

Pause and Breathe: Take a moment to pause whatever you’re doing. Close your eyes if you feel comfortable, or simply gaze downward

Deep Breaths: Inhale deeply through your nose, feeling your belly expand. Exhale slowly through your nose, bringing your belly all the way back in.

Affirmations: Repeat affirmations related to specific tasks or goals you want to accomplish. For example:

“I am fully capable of completing this task with excellence.”

“I am confident in my ability to overcome any challenges that arise.”

“I am ready to take on this challenge and succeed.”

Visualize Success: Picture yourself, having completed the task at hand, feeling confident, focused, and accomplished.

Express Gratitude: Take a moment to express gratitude for the opportunity to work on this task or challenge, and for the skills and resources you have to accomplish it.

Return to the Present: When you’re ready, gently open your eyes, return your focus to present moment, feel the confidence and determination that comes from affirming your ability to succeed.

Practice, practice, practice… this mindfulness exercise whenever you need a motivational boost, or regularly to grow your grit in general for everything that may come your way.

For help with this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

With Love,

Madelaine

Why Do We Love Nature?

Some say it’s because landscapes remind us deeply of the lush habitat of the savanna – the favorable environment in which the biggest part of our evolutionary brain development is said to have taken place. There was 2016 research suggesting that just 30 minutes per week is enough to make a huge positive physical and mental difference in our lives: 

People who visit parks for 30 minutes or more each week are much less likely to have high blood pressure or poor mental health than those who don’t, according to new research by Australian and UK environmental scientists…. parks offered health benefits including reduced risks of developing heart disease, stress, anxiety, and depression. ‘If everyone visited their local parks for half an hour each week there would be seven percent fewer cases of depression and nine percent fewer cases of high blood pressure’.

It could be argued that our human fascination with nature is hardwired into our psyche, a relic of our ancestral past where green, open spaces signaled safety and abundance. These landscapes, often untouched by the crazy pace of modern civilization, offer a momentary return to simplicity and tranquility. The idea that a mere 30 minutes each week spent in such environments could significantly uplift our spirits and our health is not just intriguing, it’s almost magical, if not essential for our physical and mental health.

What the New Study Found

Now, researchers are finding that a 40-minute walk in nature significantly improves executive control. This includes, “working memory, decision making, problem-solving and coordinating disparate tasks,” things that matter a lot in work and life, as you know.

And no, it wasn’t just the 40 minutes of exercise, because the study controlled for that. Half of the participants walked in a nearby urbanized setting, with a similar elevation to the more natural setting, to make sure that results were not due to the exercise of the walk. Exercise has its benefits, of course, but not as much as when in nature, they found.

Now these University of Utah researchers are looking into which kinds of natural settings are best for optimizing the brain’s executive functioning, and how long the exposure has to be for there to be an effect that makes it worth your time.

Really, how many people can easily find 40 minutes to take a walk? Chances are that often enough in those moments when you most need your brain to be at its sharpest, you are also involved in something that makes it hard to find 40 minutes for a stroll, somewhere green out there.

Therefore, what?

What Else Can Help

What if you don’t happen to have a park nearby? Even if you did have a park nearby, first you’d have to get to the park and then you’d have to get back home or to the office, and that all takes time. Who has that kind of time? You do, we all do because if we can’t get to the park, well then we can just bring the park to us. Plants. Yes, plants help us de-stress too, and the Huffington Post even tells us exactly which plants to get.

This from an earlier post:

But maybe you travel or don’t have the right exposure for plants. Ok then, did you know that “Fireplace For Your Home” offers gorgeous greenery with a running brook, sound and all, which can be accessed on YouTube and Netflix. The funny thing about the brain is that as smart as it is, it can’t always tell the difference between what’s real or imagined.

 So, for example, when Harvard psychology professor, Ellen Langer, told hotel maids that their work was physical exercise their health measures improved, relative to the health measures of the hotel maids who thought they were just cleaning rooms. There were similar health benefits for seniors whom Langer instructed to imagine, and live for a period of time as if they had gone back in time and were much younger again.

Use your imagination. Bring to mind a time and place of green. Merge it with your breath. Breathing in through the nose, out through the nose. When the mind wanders bring the mind back to your beautiful green.

Practice, practice, practice, and see what happens… To work on this or something else, would love to hear from you weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Warmly,

Madelaine 

Photo by Freepik