What do you do when the people you love most seem blind to what matters most to you?

I have written before on the intensifying differences in our lives today. And I write again because I find one of the hardest emotional challenges in life—when we find ourselves on one side of a chasm, staring across at people you once felt completely connected to, and realizing they simply don’t see what you see.

They’re not bad people. In fact, they may be some of the most decent, caring people you know. But when it comes to certain issues—issues you see as urgent or even existential—it’s as if they’re living in another reality. The pain of that disconnection can feel like a quiet heartbreak, over and over again.

This dissonance isn’t new. In fact, psychologists call it selective perception—the brain’s tendency to filter out information that doesn’t match pre-existing beliefs. Ray Nickerson’s research on confirmation bias explains how even reasonable people can completely miss facts that don’t fit their worldview.

Here are five powerful truths that can help you find steadiness in the swirl of emotional complexity when those you love just don’t see the world the way you do.

1. It’s Not Just a Difference of Opinion—It’s a Difference of Reality

Disagreements about where to eat dinner or how to spend a weekend are one thing. But when your loved ones dismiss or minimize something you believe threatens the future, it stops feeling like a simple disagreement and starts to feel like you’re on separate planets.

Cognitive scientist George Lakoff explains that people don’t interpret facts neutrally—we use deeply ingrained metaphors and moral frames. That’s why two people can hear the same story and draw opposite conclusions. If someone sees your concern through a completely different frame, they may literally not register the urgency you feel.

2. The More You Care, the More It Hurts

If we didn’t care about them, it wouldn’t matter what they thought. But love sharpens the pain. Watching someone we care for deeply speak or act in a way that seems dangerously naïve, misinformed, or even hostile to what we value can feel like a form of grief.

Psychologist Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss—the kind of grief we feel when someone is physically present but emotionally or psychologically absent in some crucial way. It captures that unique ache of seeing someone you love shift into a worldview you can no longer share.

3. You May Be Right—and Still Be Alone in It

We might see patterns others are missing. We might have done more research. We might feel more connected to history’s warnings. But being right doesn’t always bring connection. In fact, it can isolate.

This echoes what some call the Cassandra complex—the torment of seeing what’s coming but being dismissed. Named after the Greek myth where Cassandra was cursed to see the future but never be believed, it reflects a painful truth: having insight doesn’t always create influence. Sometimes, it just makes us feel lonelier.

4. You Don’t Have to Convince to Stay Connected

Here’s the hard but hopeful truth: We can love people without agreeing with them. We can hold our own perspective firmly and still choose not to argue every point. We can let go of the fantasy that if we just explained it better, they’d finally get it.

In conflict resolution, this is called strategic disengagement. It’s not surrender—it’s a conscious decision to protect the relationship by not needing to win. Holding boundaries with grace is a strength, not a failure.

5. You Can Grieve the Divide Without Losing Yourself

When we realize a loved one doesn’t—and maybe won’t—see the world the way we do, there’s a subtle identity crisis that can follow. Who are we without that shared vision? Can we still belong? Are we safe?

Let yourself grieve that loss. But don’t let it pull you out of your own integrity.

We are still allowed to care deeply, speak clearly, and hold compassion for those who can’t or won’t join us in seeing what we see. Their denial does not invalidate our insight. Their fear does not diminish our clarity.

You are not alone, even if it sometimes feels that way. To discuss this or something else, Contact Me at madelaineweiss.com

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Unsplash

Why Should We Give Compliments? 

A compliment is: “an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.” Compliments are free, easy to receive and give, and come with many benefits to both receivers and givers.

One study, conducted by social psychologist Vanessa Bohns at Cornell, found that both giver and receiver just plain felt better after a few kind words like, “I like your shirt.”

Metanoia Wellness offered up these 5 scientifically backed benefits:

1. Receiving compliments lights up reward circuits in your brain. Studies show that getting a compliment, therefore, feels just as good as getting money, only it’s free.
2. People learn and perform better after receiving compliments. Other studies found that compliments triggered learning circuits too. Motivation was increased and learning was easier, so participants did better on learning new tasks. A study at a large tech company found that although monetary rewards increased performance, words of praise for good work increased performance even more.
3. Giving compliments helps you practice optimism. Compliment givers are noticing good in the world, making them more optimistic. Studies show that a more optimistic brain is associated with better mood, immune function, and longevity.
4. Compliments are best when they’re genuine and specific. The suggestion here is that fake praise can be obvious to the receiver, making the receiver feel worse, inducing negativity for both the giver and receiver. Being specific about something real helps with the authenticity here, helping to grow trust and strengthen social bonds.
5. People tend to underestimate the positive impact of compliments. Studies show that people generally underestimate the positive impact of a compliment to themselves and others. It helps to remember how good it felt when we received one ourselves.

The National Calendar Day people try to remind us to do it—not even just on March 1^st. January 24^th is National Compliment Day. February 6^th is Pay a Compliment Day. Really, what do we need all the Days for? What makes this free and simple good thing so hard?

What Makes It So Hard?

Just last week I heard myself asking two different clients whether certain people who mattered to them even knew they did. With one, when asked what he appreciated about his new love, the description of her positive attributes was breathtaking. That’s when I asked if she even, to which he said no.

This points to a vulnerability similar to what goes along with who says “I love you” first. What if it is not reciprocated? What if it’s annoying?

Studies have shown that participants “‘drastically overestimated how bothered, uncomfortable, and annoyed’ the receiver would feel, and this likely prevents people from giving more compliments.”

Another client flat out said, “I just don’t know how to do it.” Of course, she had done it before, just not with the person we were discussing. Her incredible awkwardness about going there with this dear person was enough to keep her from doing it at all.

Another scenario comes to mind that happened many years ago. I once asked a family member why no one gave me compliments.  I had just moved into a beautiful new home, with a beautiful new baby, was not too shabby in my own right, and yet, nada.

He said, “Well, that would be like telling Larry Bird he shoots good hoops.” There are better and worse ways to spin that. Maybe it’s a show of respect, folks thinking it would be insulting. Or maybe it’s a form of Schadenfreude, as in, really, don’t you think you have enough.

Still, I think there is something to be said for kind words between us. So why not tell the people in our lives how much and what we appreciate about them, and why not every day?

And What About You?

Yes, that’s right, what about how we talk to ourselves? You’ve heard of the inner critic, and I have written much about that. I know, a lot of people think constantly criticizing themselves motivates them to be their best selves. But studies show that a kind word can do just as much to move us along if not a whole lot more.

Practice, practice, practice…see what happens and let us know. And, for help with this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

Photo by Pexels

What Drives Us?

Different people are driven by different things even though we all have the same drivers within us. And I have some examples for you. But first let’s unpack what we even mean by a driver.

Harvard Business School professors, Paul Lawrence and Nitin Nohria, detail our 4 basic human drives in Driven: How Human Nature Shapes Our Choices:

• To Acquire “objects and experiences that improve their status relative to others”
• To Bond “with others in long-term relationships of mutual commitment”
• To Learn “and make sense of the world and of themselves”
• To Defend “themselves, their loved ones, their beliefs, and their resources from harm”

The authors tell us that these capacities are deeply hardwired into our human brains because they improved our chances to survive and to thrive—and thereby to make more and more babies sharing these same traits. And here we all are. 

Although the drives are separate and the satisfaction of one does not directly satisfy the other, there is overlap. Take to learn. From the authors above: 

This drive is satisfied by a feeling of understanding, a feeling that things make sense…The theories of the world and of the self that the mind builds up will later, as a separate step, often be essential in guiding efforts to satisfy the drives to acquire, to bond, to defend.

Now here’s where we humans get into trouble. We get into trouble when one or another of these drives is running rampant and roughshod over all the other drives.  

This is because these drives are also our values. They are what we are designed to hold dear, to help guide our conduct in becoming the person we want to be, and in our interactions with the world in which we live. 

And, when we are driven by one at the expense of the others, we are denying and denigrating large swaths of who we are and what matters most to us.  

Moreover, the momentary high associated with satisfying a particular drive eventually fizzles out eventually. This is known as hedonic adaptation, which I have written about before, can be defined as:

… idea that an individual’s level of happiness, after rising or falling in response to positive or negative life events, ultimately tends to move back toward where it was prior to these experiences.

So because, by their very nature, drives are never really satisfied (or they wouldn’t be drivers anymore) we can find ourselves on a lifetime fool’s errand of more, more, more—with all of the low self-esteem and general unhappiness that goes along with it.

Let’s look at some examples.

Case Examples

One client is doing a great job advancing his career, but finding it hard to get “excited” about much of anything else in his life—family, friends, hobbies, self-care, and the like. 

His spouse has noticed and complained. Through our work together he has discovered an underlying irrational, intergenerational sense of financial insecurity fueling his drive to acquire beyond what makes sense and is good for himself and the ones he loves.

Another client is quite different in that she was raised in financial abundance, is also doing well in her career, and does not doubt for a second that she will live in financial abundance for the rest of her life.

But she can’t miss a party or a meeting, or any other opportunity to bond where others might be bonding without her. And she is exhausted to the bone, in what appears to be an unsustainable way.

Here we have social insecurity fueling her drive to bond in a way that could in time bring the house down on other areas of her life that are currently going well.

Yet another example is a woman who was so busy defending her beliefs that she was virtually blind to how much her defensive strategies were in the way of her truly deep wish to bond.

And, okay fine, here is mine—the drive to learn. A professor once even called it epistemic hunger so I guess it shows.  

One way that manifests with me is that I cannot take my eyes off of the news, trying to learn as much as I can, trying to make sense of it all, no matter how much we all know it cannot possibly be good to be immersing myself that deeply in the horrors of the day.

Notice I said that I cannot take my eyes off of the news. These drives can be so strong that it feels like a cannot when of course it is a can.

From Driven to Driving

How can we get our own hands on the driving wheel so that we are driving the drives instead of the other way around?

Studies show that the more we live in alignment with our true values, and not just one of them, the happier and healthier we are in work and life. Begin by:

• Making the unconscious conscious. Ask: In which of these 4 areas (acquiring, bonding, learning, defending) am I unconsciously, habitually, driven to put my own life far out of balance to the ultimate benefit of no one?

• Ask what’s at the root? Is there an insecurity from your childhood that is driving the drive? Reality test that. Is it really as life and death as it feels? Probably not.

• Then, ask what other area(s) of your life are being neglected by the current imbalance, and come up with some action steps to fortify those. Steps that are not too big, not too little, but just right to move you in a happier, healthier direction, respectful of all that you are.

Practice, practice, practice…and let us know what you find. For help with this or something else Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine

What is a Promise? 

I just made a promise not to say anything else about something I have already said enough about, for now anyway. 😉 First and foremost, this is a promise I made to myself. I believe all promises are, first and foremost, promises to oneself to keep one’s word about whatever it was. 

Of course, when we break promises to others, we run the risk of damaging our reputations and relationships, so we don’t want to do a whole lot of that. Moreover, breaking our promises can deeply damage ourselves. Here, from a Huffington Post article, is how that works:

According to Self-Completion Theory (Wicklund & Gollwitzer, 1982), when we are committed to particular identity goals, like being a good parent, a talented artist, or a successful business person, we engage in a variety of activities in order to prove to ourselves (and to others) that we are in fact good parents, talented artists, or successful business people.

Some of these activities are essential to the identity — an artist isn’t really an artist if she doesn’t at least occasionally create some art. Other activities are purely symbolic — like self-praise (“Look at that brushwork. I am so good!”), or dressing the part by walking around in a paint-spattered smock. When we fail at some task that is relevant to our identity (e.g., a rejection from an art gallery, a bad review from an art critic), we feel a sense of incompleteness — saddened and anxious that we aren’t living up to our mental image of who and what we are supposed to be. 

Saddened, anxious, and more. It may not be conscious but deep-down people know that they are not living true to their word, and that if they are as good as their word, then they are not very good at all. They, therefore, think they are not deserving of much, like my client a long time ago who embezzled funds and then wondered out loud why he didn’t have a good woman in his life. Bingo, as he came to realize that deep-down he didn’t feel deserving of one. So, he suffered.

Fitness tutor, Allison Lambert, put it this way:

Think back to a time when you were stood up by someone. You felt sad, hurt, unimportant, and disappointed in the person who canceled on you. Whether or not you sit in these emotions when you break a promise to yourself is up to you, but you can’t deny their existence. You, often unconsciously, start to view yourself as unreliable, flaky, and believe the narrative that you aren’t important and worthy of this time for you. Eventually, you start to view every goal or commitment you make for your improvement as optional.

Studies on cognitive dissonance show that when people’s actions and beliefs don’t line up, they usually change their beliefs to match their actions. You may be slowly but surely telling yourself you don’t matter and don’t deserve the time you’ve tried to set aside.

Surely you have heard, ‘You are only as good as your word’ and ‘Say what you do and do what you say.’ Shakespeare’s Hamlet advised, “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” The Bible tells us “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” And, of course there is Aesop’s Fable about “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.”

From Merriam-Webster: A promise is “a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified.” And, the idea that we are not supposed to break them goes back far, even to ancient Mesopotamia (~1754 BCE), with the Code of Hammurabi, consisting of 282 laws about everyday life, including one for what happened (hands cut off) if someone got caught breaking their word.

These people were all onto something that is studied to this day. In fact, modern-day science shows a clear distinction between the neural activity of promise keepers and promise breakers. Their idea here is to use such findings to further our ability to detect people who act well-meaning on the surface but turn out to be malevolent in the end.

But not all promise breakers are bad actors. Sometimes good people have their reasons, so what are some of the reasons even good people might, and even should, break promises to themselves and others sometimes?

Why Do We Break Them?

The definition above, “a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified,” doesn’t distinguish whether the one making the promise is even aware they have made it. Here is an example of a promise I should have broken if only I had realized that I made it. From an earlier post on promises:

As only one example, I did not realize until long after big damage was done that I had made a promise to myself to maintain emotional composure no matter what.

So, when I was in the ER with not yet diagnosed flesh-eating disease and they kept sending me home, I should have thrown a fiery fit and refused to budge, but kept my promise to myself to be composed and cooperative instead.

Had I broken this promise to myself, I would not have a mark on me today, could have avoided the 7 weeks in the hospital, 10 trips to the OR, the $397,000 the healthcare system spent on my care…you get the idea.  

So here we have a perfect example of the Self-Completion Theory we talked about above. There I was keeping a promise to myself that was completely out of touch with the situation at hand, a promise I should have broken, just like Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment, when out of control screamed “Give my daughter her shot.”

Now, what are some other reasons to break promises? Personal development coach, Jan Bowen, lists four, paraphrased here:

1. You honestly do have good intentions but something came up, like a family member got sick and needed your care.
2. You’re stating the behavior of the person you wish to be (the Self Completion Theory again), even though the commitment may have been unrealistic in the first place.
3. You don’t feel like ‘enough’ as you are so you overpromise, which seems very much related to #2 above.
4. You’re uncomfortable saying ‘no’, which seems key for all of the above.

Let’s just boil this down into two things to know.

Two Things to Know

Two things to know that might help a lot: 1) Know why we are saying yes, and 2) Know how to say no.

1) Know why we are saying yes: If possible, before you make a promise to yourself or another, check first to see how much the promise is meant to enhance your sense of self. That’s okay if it is—as long as the fulfillment of the promise is realistic as well. Then, of course, keep the promise, if you possibly can.

2) Know how to say no: For the times when we cannot make or keep a promise, it is helpful to remember that there are layers to promises. Whether it is a promise to oneself and/or another, the deepest and most important layer can be the promise of caring. Even when, especially when, we are unable to fulfill the actual promise, we can always fulfill the promise of caring by affirming that first.

I believe that buried within every NO there is a YES, and that we should lead with the YES. For deadlines, for example, ‘Yes I will definitely get this done (I care), but I’ve already said yes to these 2 other projects, so what is the latest date by which this must be done?’ Or ‘Yes I know how really important this (I care), but I’ve already said yes to these 2 other projects, who else can step in until I can?’   

For disappointing a friend or family member, YES to ‘I love you (I care), and am so sorry I could not XXX because of XXX; tell me how else I can help.’ And, for disappointing ourselves, sure why not, same thing, YES to ‘I love you (I care), and am so sorry I could not XXX because or XXX; tell me how else I can help.’

Practice, practice, practice…see what happens and let us know. For help with this or something else, Contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Warmly,

Madelaine

Photo by FreePik

What is Social Comparison?

A colleague commented on my recent Procrastination post that Procrastination is not his problem, but Social Comparison is.

I took this as a call to write something on Social Comparison—and also as an opportunity to play with ChatGPT. I know, please forgive, couldn’t help myself, and here is what I got:

Social comparison is the process of evaluating one’s own abilities, opinions, and traits by comparing them to those of others. It is a natural and often unconscious process that occurs when people look to others as a source of information about themselves and the world around them. Social comparison can take place in various forms, including upward comparison (comparing oneself to people who are perceived as better off), downward comparison (comparing oneself to people who are perceived as worse off), and lateral comparison (comparing oneself to people who are perceived as similar). This process can have both positive and negative effects on an individual’s self-esteem, motivation, and well-being. On one hand, social comparison can provide a sense of relative improvement and increase self-esteem. On the other hand, it can also lead to feelings of inferiority and decreased self-worth.

There is something sort of blinding about it, no? Then again, I do think it had something to say. Let’s look at some examples.

A Case of Social Comparison Anguish

Just this past week, a client shared her anguish that others were coupled, while she is not—yet. February is that time of year after all, with Valentine’s Day coming up, the “cruel holiday” as it is sometimes called:

Maybe you’re single and don’t want to be. Maybe you’re in a relationship, but an unhealthy one. Maybe you’ve lost someone you loved with all your heart. Maybe you feel completely unloved by anyone and everyone. Valentine’s Day feels like a cruel reminder of what’s missing. Maybe you don’t even know why you’re feeling depressed, you just do. Or maybe, you’re not the one feeling depressed, but want to help a loved one who is.

But what I believe made social comparison fill her with anguish instead of simple sadness or longing was how harshly she judged herself for feeling any of it at all.

External messages from family, friends, and our culture at large—messages that had taken hold inside of her own mind by now—were basically, to paraphrase: ‘This is of your own making, either do something about it, or suck it up and deal’.

Just as ChatGPT said, she experiences “feelings of inferiority and decreased self-worth.” And envy too, asking herself if it’s really okay to feel bitter, resentful, and envious about the happiness of other people she actually loves. Here again, social comparison resulting in feeling bad about feeling bad.

Whether it’s our attractiveness, our wealth, our intelligence, or our success in life by whatever measure matters to us—when humans compare, they just might feel something, and you know what, that’s okay.

Rumi’s Take

Rumi (13^th century Persian poet) and I agree that there is no such thing as a bad feeling. Human feelings, no matter if unpleasant, maybe especially if unpleasant, are our guides and should be welcomed as such. Here is his poem on that:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Now, for an example of feelings as guides…

A Case of Social Comparison Joy

As our new friend ChatGPT also said, social comparison “can provide a sense of relative improvement and increase self-esteem.” What follows is an excerpt from an earlier post with a true story of social comparison gone well (as well as I believe things can go for the woman I mentioned above, if that’s what her heart desires):

So, is there any kind of envy that can do any good? Actually, there is. Victor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

A working, single mother (we’ll call her Nancy) once told me, in a rather disagreeable tone, how upset she felt when she noticed my nice new car in the lot.

I asked her what my new car represented to her that she wished she had more of in her own life. “Security and stability,” she replied. Nancy and I worked together in that space between her envy and her punishing behavior to find her freedom and growth.

By the end of our work together, Nancy had used this new awareness to find herself both a new higher paying job she enjoyed and a loving marriage to go with it. As with other emotions, envy can be useful information if we use it that way.

Nancy is a great example of what good can come when we do that thing that humans do, which is to socially compare.

For help with this or something else, contact me at Email:  Madelaine Weiss

Warm wishes,

Madelaine

Photo by Unsplash Josh Withers

High-Work-Stress Impact on Relationships

“Work stress is the most common cause of relationship unhappiness, with 35% of partners reporting it as their top couples issue…”

There you have it, and therefore what? My high-work-stress client tells me he is doing the bare minimum to get by with his health. I ask where else he is doing that, and he tells me he is doing the bare minimum in his marriage and his business too.

When he adds that he is “lazy,” I feel compelled to interfere with that kind of self-talk. One big thing I remember from business school is that people are rational. And, if they seem irrational to you, it is only because you don’t understand their rationale or strategy yet, and maybe they don’t either.

He is building a start-up, so I offer, “You have a lot on your plate and may be trying to conserve energy; unfortunately, that solution would create the problem that you are trying to solve, because your approach to everything is so blah it depletes your energy instead.”

He agrees that is what’s happening, so I ask him what he thinks of his strategy. He paused for a moment, then said he thinks it is “stupid,” and we both broke out laughing. ‘Dawn broke over Marble Head’ as they say, and we are off and running.

Half-heartedness in any part of our lives tends to deplete rather than energize that part of our lives and every other part too.

2 Techniques for High-Work-Stress Couples 

Happier couples make happier families, make happier children, make happier work. Everything is connected to everything else.  So here you go. Try these.

1. Strategic Planning for High-Work-Stress Couples Worksheet

➢ What has been your best experience as a couple so far?
➢ What does your marriage mean to you? (“who do we want to be?”)
➢ What strengths do you bring to this marriage?
➢ What makes this marriage successful? the core factor that breathes life into it?
➢ What three wishes would you make to heighten the vitality of your marriage?
➢ What one change, over the next three months, would make the biggest difference?

What Would You Therefore Like To…

➢ STOP:

➢ START

➢ CONTINUE

Adapted from Erickson International, The Art and Science of Coaching

2. Communication Guidelines for High-Work-Stress Couples

“If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.”  ~ Winston Churchill or William Wrigley, Jr. or Henry Ford or…

➢  Conflict helps us to learn more about each other and enrich our relationships.

➢  Conflict done well can become a welcome visitor, rather than something to avoid or dread.

➢  Conflict helps us get out in front of our problems, and opens the way to positive change.

What are some features of constructive conflict communication?

➢  Spirit of speech is True, Kind, Necessary, Beneficial.

➢  Timing of conflict conversation is when both can attend well to it. Is this a good time?”

➢  Open conversation with calming technique of your choosing to put the ‘higher brain’ rather than the ‘pain body’ at the table: Polyvagal breathing, expression of gratitude, hand holding…

➢ One person opens, the other listens actively, involving eye contact without distraction. If there is distraction reschedule to a better time.

➢ When the speaker has paused, repeat what has been heard to check for accuracy.

➢ The speaker may say “When _____happened, I felt _____ and, unless you have a better idea, and I’m open to hearing that from you, I believe it would help if______.”

➢ The listener validates the emotion, e.g., “I can see how you would be feeling X.”

➢  The listener thanks the speaker for the vulnerability in sharing and may inquire whether feedback would be appreciated, or has need been met.

➢  The speaker thanks the listener for their attention, and responds that the issue has been addressed, or that more conversation would be helpful at this or another time to be arranged.

So many people just don’t know they already have everything they need to live happier, healthier, prosperous, and productive lives. Try out the guidelines above, and let us know what you find. And, for help with this or something else, contact me at https://madelaineweiss.com/

Warm Wishes,

Madelaine

Photo by Pexels Jasmine Carter

This quote is one of my favorites. Hope it helps you to kick off your new year too. So much, too much, energy goes into trying to get rid of everything and everybody we don’t want for our lives—when all we really have to do is bring on everything and everyone we do want, and the rest takes care of itself. Life is like a garden. What we nourish flourishes, and the rest just withers away. Try this and let us know what you find. And, Happy New Year!!

World Gone Mad?

Resilience? Easier said than done? Just when we began to think we were going to finally come out of the darkness of the pandemic into some sun—then came the War on Ukraine.

Meanwhile, 32% of Americans are struggling to figure out things like what to wear.

Pandemic, threat of nuclear war, hungry babies with no formula, rising crime, mass shootings, inflation, gas prices, emptying grocery shelves, stock market plunging, ever deepening moral and political polarization…all against a backdrop of climate change:

More frequent and intense drought, storms, heat waves, rising sea levels, melting glaciers and warming oceans can directly harm animals, destroy the places they live, and wreak havoc on people’s livelihoods and communities. 

And then there are all the people who have to return to the office for a job they don’t like. And home buyers who can’t possibly afford anything right now, if ever.

Some people, for whatever reason, have it easier than some others—good health, food on the table, and such.  

But they may not be feeling so happy-go-lucky either; guilt makes that hard. So they tell me, and I feel it myself.

Plus, for them, too, the existential threats loom large, even if not consciously so, and no matter how well off they may be otherwise.

How This Affects Us

Last week I posted on Vicarious Trauma related to the War in Ukraine; from Bryan Robinson, Ph.D., in Forbes: 

Vicarious trauma or vicarious terror is a condition resulting from the bombardment of the central nervous system transmitted through observation, instead of direct personal contact, in this case from the media. People who observe violent acts often show the same symptoms of individuals who are direct targets of terror. The massive shock to the nervous system can create a sense of disintegration and fragmentation, coupled with intense emotions such as crying, shallow breathing or lashing out. Other aftereffects are often difficulty sleeping, heightened anxiety, sensitivity to loud noises or dissociation—an emotional and physical numbing state in which you feel separated, isolated or disconnected from yourself and others.

The energy it takes to regulate so much intense emotion adversely affects the efficiency and effectiveness of our decision making.

Just the other night, I attended a meeting where people were trying to decide whether and how to use a sign-up sheet for pizza for an event, and then, if so, where to put the sign-up sheet, and then at which point in time, before or during which segment of the event, to put the sign-up sheet out, with respect to regulating somehow who actually is eligible for the pizza.

As more than an aside, we had done the pizza thing before and it went fine, just the way it was. In fact, I mentioned that, like why reinvent the wheel, but still the discussion went on, and on, and on. 

This happened. About pizza. Among adults. At which point I leaned over to the woman next to me and said, “It appears we may be on the verge of WWIII, and we are talking about what?” To which she responded, “Whatever it takes.”

I believe she is right about that, whatever it takes. And that what it takes is resilience.  

Because, by the time we got to the more substantive items on the agenda, behavior unbecoming of mature adults was building, including and especially for me my own—behavior that I had not seen before from any of us in this particular group as a group.

In the end, the outcome was good, but it took me a day to bounce back. And that’s what resilience is about. Bouncing back, the sooner and more effectively the better.

Resilience in Troubled Times

Science says we have an information speed limit of about 120 bits of information/second, and that, since it takes 60 bits/second to pay attention to one person, we can’t really handle more than 2 people at a time. 

But here we are collectively stressed by the state of our world, having more meetings than ever, it seems, with way more people than 2. 

For all of this, we need what it takes, and what it takes is resilience.

Dr. Judith Rodin writes about resilience—the ability to more quickly and effectively bounce back, an urgent social and economic issue.  

There are plenty of tips online for how we, as individuals and organizations, can become more resilient.

Dr. Rodin specifies: Awareness, Diversity, Integration, Self-regulation, Adaptability. You can read more about these here. 

Or you can look at “5 Ways to Bounce Back…” here or “10 Ways…” here. 

Patel’s “8 Ways Successful People Master Resilience” in Entrepreneur includes 2 ways that I want to highlight here: #1 Build a Circle of Trust, and #8 Find Everyday Joys.

In way #1, Patel points out that having caring relationships is a primary factor in resilience.

And, after our let’s say…high intensity meeting, it really was deeply touching to observe how many people were reaching out to each other just to make sure everyone was okay.

For Patel’s way #8 on Everyday Joys…this week I gave a talk with a Q/A at the end. The host told us that a Ukrainian mom in Poland with her kids, while the husband was fighting in Ukraine, posted in the chat room that she had a comment, not a question, for us all:

Enjoy Life.

So beautiful. So simple. So important. So yes, when the going gets rough in the moment at work, or home, or wherever we may roam: let’s take a deep breath and, when we can get back up, forgive each other, support each other, and in whatever ways we can, big and small—Enjoy Life. 

Sometimes it’s as simple as pizza, and if we can keep that simple even better.

What is it for you? What simple things can you add or subtract each day, for yourself and maybe others too, to help you Enjoy Life in these troubled times?

Warmly,

Madelaine

Photo by Pexels Singkham