Homeostasis, from the Greek words for “same” and “steady,” refers to any process that living things use to actively maintain fairly stable conditions necessary for survival.
Space in couples and families is one of those conditions. A stable condition, pretty much shot to hell right now. Think about it. In the old-world order, just a few weeks ago, physical and emotional distancing was built in. Typically, one or both adults went to work, or somewhere outside the home, at some point during the day. Kids went to school. You get the idea.
Even when it didn’t happen naturally, people figured out how to have girls or guys night out, staying after school, going to the gym, playing golf, book club, hair, skin, and nails—or whatever it is people like to do to get a little breathing room away from the pack.
It’s not a bad thing, unless we think it is. In fact, breathing room is vital to maintaining the health and well-being of all parties involved. Start to notice how cranky people can get when their usual and customary space is blown out of whack. No surprise, then, that China has already seen divorce rates climb significantly as Corona subsides.
Communication might have helped. And Harvard Business Review just published a good piece on how communication can help. But I don’t know how many folks have the bandwidth for those kinds of conversations right now. And somehow when people just come out with “I need space,” it comes off as selfish, rude, hurtful… So people go underground or into the garage.
Example: Lucy reported an explosive argument with her husband. She wanted to clean the garage. Even though her husband did not want her to clean the garage in the middle of Corona, Lucy did it anyway. Due to the ugly argument, Lucy decided she was just going to skip dinner with her husband and his teenage son. So there.
When asked why she cleaned the garage, knowing it would lead to an argument, she said she did not know. I always like to count back from behavior. If the behavior got her both time alone in the garage, and time alone at dinner time too—could it be that Lucy, without even realizing it, was simply angling for some desperately needed emotional and/or physical space for herself.
Use your words, Lucy? But again, “I need space” tends not to go all that well. You might get away with it, but not necessarily without some kind of retaliation down the line.
Here’s the thing. There are 3 of you in every relationship. One of you, the other one of you, and The Relationship. The relationship has needs too. And one of those, critical during times of crisis especially, is to keep some things as same and steady as you possibly can, in this case space.
So, instead of sneaking around, provoking arguments, coming up with bogus excuses, or even being straightforward but not necessarily with a considerate tone…what if everyone involved had permission to say nicely:
“Honey I could really use a little space right now, I’m going to….(fill in the blank, e.g., take a walk, go into the home office and close the door) and will be back….(always good to say when you will be back so it doesn’t feel like a diss, e.g., in a half hour, an hour).”
How do you think that might go? Try it, play with it, this way and that. Practice, practice, practice…see what happens, and let me know in comments below.
Recent Comments