Anybody remember bumper cars? They remind me of us, a bunch of egos colliding all over the place, sometimes just for the fun of it, sometimes not. What is that? From Nobel Prize winner, Daniel Kahneman:
“We all care intensely for the narrative of our own life and very much want it to be a good story, with a decent hero.”
Bumper Cars
That’s all it is really, everyone trying to be the hero of their own story. Each of us, just a tiny speck in the universe, trying to deal with our massive vulnerability, trying to matter more than we do — by producing and directing the story of our own lives, in which we are the star.
Trouble is…without realizing it, other people have a part for you in their movie, and you have a part for them in yours. But people don’t necessarily want the parts assigned to them in other people’s stories because they are busy starring in their own.
So, whether at work or home or wherever we may roam, we are like bumper cars, everyone bumping into the wishes, needs, and aspirations of everyone else. And although collaboration is our birthright too, it often gets crushed under the weight of the crashing bumper cars.
3 Steps to Interpersonal Sanity
So here are 3 simple but powerful tips to ease the tension and foster the collaboration we need now more than ever in these challenging times.
1. Pause your movie and greet each person as if you are meeting them for the very first time. Every day is a new day. Set yourself and your baggage aside long enough to let the other person in as they conceive of themselves separate from who or how you think they should be.
2. Focus your speaking and your listening on the subject at hand. Each time the mind wanders to what you think about the other person, or what the other person thinks of you, bring the mind back to the topic on the table.
3. Express your “what I find” to the others once, maybe twice, just to be sure you have been heard. No response? Not the desired response? Move on, enjoy your day, and remember that we are all just peas in a pod trying to get through the day—and our lives—in the best way we know how.
Stay tuned for Getting to G.R.E.A.T: 5-Step Strategy for Work and Life…Based on Science and True Stories, coming soon with relevant chapters on “Other People” and “Mastering Your Mouth.”
Warm wishes for the holiday,
Madelaine
What fabulous guidance! Great advice. I hope I can do this as consistently, surely and gracefully as I aspire to be the “Better Angels” of My (Incorrigible, reflexively vindictive provocateur) Nature.
Yes Steven, just the reminder alone, “not about me” as much as it is about the other just trying to be a decent hero in their own story, can go a long way for all. Have a warm, peaceful holiday.
I identify more with the supporting actor in movies. Often times it is the supporting actor that helps the star find his or her way to their success. Imagine the change that would occur if we set aside our egos and focused on helping others become the star in their movies.
Nice point, Sterling. Not sure, though, whether entirely possible to set what we call ego 100% aside because some would say that whatever role we choose for ourselves in the drama our lives is still us producing and directing our own plays. They say that about altruisim in general; as in, doesn’t it also serve the self? Warm holiday to you and yours!