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Kindness As Kind. Kindness As Mean?
National Random Acts of Kindness Day is February 17th.
A couple of weeks ago in January, we had that great big snowstorm. The pre-storm line at Trader Joe’s was a maze. I could see the end of it, by the cash register, but not the beginning—because there seemed to be several beginnings.
After I pulled my cart in behind what I thought was the last cart in line, a young man behind me, with a baby carriage, told me smugly that the line started somewhere else. So, I moved. Then it turned out he was wrong. So, I moved again, somewhere else. And this time he nodded, almost nicely, which I took as an acknowledgment, of having snapped at me in error, in the first place.
Then a woman near what I thought was the right place to stand chastised me for what she believed was my cutting in front of someone else—someone who happened to be the only woman of color in the area. And I will say, honestly, it felt to me like I was being accused of racism on this count.
So, I apologized and moved again, even though that woman had not been on my radar at all in this very crowded space—because she had no cart. Curious, I asked, “What happened to your cart?” She explained that she was with someone else who was shopping while she held their place in line.
Some might say that was kind of her. Although, she seemed a little sheepish explaining why she wasn’t exactly in line when I arrived. So maybe she didn’t think what she was doing was 100% kind. Maybe kind to her friend but not to any one else. Others might say that the woman who called me out was also acting out of kindness— protecting what she saw as someone else’s rights. Still, I have to say her reprimand didn’t feel to me at all kind.
Then I saw my neighbor. She had no cart and a bunch of bananas. I asked, “Wait—is that all you have?” When she said yes, I said, “Give me those bananas.”
Yes, I felt a twinge of guilt—but it was only bananas. Until she added celery. And then, because her family was going to ride out the storm in her apartment, she added chocolate pudding that her granddaughter loves, ground beef for chili, potato chips, seaweed snacks… and I forget what else.
By the time we reached the checkout, I suffered full-blown guilt. I only meant to be banana bunch kind, but wound up feeling anything but, having been complicit in this big fat cutting in line.
So you tell me: In all of this, who was kind and who was not? Complicated, isn’t it.
And, it doesn’t take a genius to notice how this confusion about kindness extends to far larger arenas and issues than our grocery store line—pitting people against each other all over the place in ways that are anything but kind, even if and when they masquerade as exactly that.
3 Ways to Stand Down to Stand Up for Kindness
Way #1: Notice How Kindness Lands, Not Just How It’s Intended
Nearly everyone in that line was acting from their own sense of goodness—correcting, protecting, helping, accommodating. They meant well. The impact, however, was uneven. Simply noticing a potential difference between intent and experience feels like one way of standing down.
Way #2: Stepping Away from Moral Refereeing
In moments like these, it’s tempting to decide—quickly and confidently—who is good and who is wrong. But moral certainty often escalates situations rather than resolving them. Standing down can mean tolerating the discomfort of not declaring a winner.
Way #3: Control Only What Is Yours to Control
A client reminded me that I told him this on January 7th, after January 6th: Control only what you can. And what you can control does not include other people. It may also help—though it isn’t comforting—to remember that other people experience themselves as good and right too. He recently told me that this learning has helped him to bring together two large well-known companies—on opposite sides of the political spectrum—to produce products and services for the good of all. He now finds it his calling, and great pleasure, to be able to bridge gaps that so many others today feel they cannot.
ME: Good and Right. YOU: Bad and Wrong.
We all want to think we are good. Studies even show generosity and cooperation to be hardwired into the brain. But kindness is murky. Just as murky as our current moment, when nearly everyone believes they are the kind one—and anyone who may see and do things differently is not.
What may be kindness in the eyes of one can be suicidal empathy in the eyes of another—a form of compassion so certain of its own goodness that it cannot tolerate limits, disagreement, or unintended harm.
I don’t know how to fix this.
But perhaps standing down—especially on National Random Acts of Kindness Day and beyond—is less about performing goodness and more about resisting certainty. About leaving a little room for the possibility that others, too, believe they are acting in good faith.
Knowing this might just help us to at least do no harm. Your thoughts?
To work on this or something else, contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com
Love,
Madelaine
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