3 Surprising Reasons We Don’t Connect—Even When We Want To

Have you ever thought about someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time?

Maybe an old friend crosses your mind. You wonder how they are. You remember something you once did together. You may even pick up your phone and think, I should text them.

And then you don’t.

Why not?

Research suggests the answer may be more interesting than we think. In fact, in studies show that even when people wanted to reconnect, believed the other person would be happy to hear from them, had their contact information, and actually had the time to write a message, most still didn’t send it.

So what’s going on?

1. Table of Contents

   Toggle

   Knowing Isn’t the Same as Doing

And it matters. A large body of research has linked stronger social relationships with better health and longevity. That certainly doesn’t mean every relationship—or every connection—is good for us. Sometimes we need solitary soothing more than we need social connection. But old friends can offer something precious that we can’t get anywhere else: They knew us when. They carry pieces of our history, remember earlier versions of us, and can reconnect us not only with them, but with parts of ourselves.

Yet, in their research, psychologists Lara Aknin and Gillian Sandstrom found that fewer than one-third of participants actually sent that message to an old friend—even when they wanted to connect, thought the friend would appreciate hearing from them, had the contact information, and were given time to compose and send the message.

Think about that.

We often assume that if we could just get our thinking straight, we would do what we know is good for us.

But perhaps we give knowing too much credit.

We can know exercise is good for us and stay on the couch. Know we need to have a difficult conversation and postpone it. Know we’d feel better if we stopped working and went to bed—and still open one more email.

And apparently, we can know someone would probably be delighted to connect with us and still not press SEND.

The gap between knowing and doing can be enormous.

2. Someone We Once Knew Well Can Start to Feel Like a Stranger

This may be the most fascinating part.

Aknin and Sandstrom wondered whether an old friend begins to feel psychologically less like a friend and more like a stranger.

Their findings supported that possibility. Participants were no more willing to connect with an old friend than they were to talk to a stranger. And the more an old friend felt like a stranger, the less willing people were to contact them.

Which makes sense when you think about it.

There was a time when you wouldn’t have given a second thought to calling this person.

But now?

What would I say?

Would it be awkward?

Why haven’t they contacted me?

Maybe too much time has passed.

Nothing necessarily happened between you. Yet the passage of time itself may have changed the relationship in your mind.

And once uncertainty enters the picture, the mind does what minds do so well: it fills in the blanks.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t always fill them in with the most encouraging story.

3. We May Be Looking for a Reason When There Isn’t One

A newer study by Kristina Castaneto and Lara Aknin tried to figure out what distinguishes the people who reach out from those who don’t.

Perhaps it’s personality. Extroverts reach out; introverts don’t.

Nope.

The researchers examined the Big Five personality traits and a number of other individual differences. None of the Big Five significantly predicted whether someone actually reached out.

Maybe it’s the message itself.

The researchers analyzed 863 messages, examining more than 20 features. They looked at things such as emotional tone, references to the past, present or future, and other characteristics of what people wrote. While a few features were associated with sending in individual analyses, none consistently predicted whether the message was actually sent.

That interests me because we are great explainers of our own behavior.

We tell ourselves we haven’t called because we don’t know what to say. Or because we’re busy. Or because we don’t want to intrude.

Those explanations may sometimes be perfectly accurate.

But sometimes I wonder whether the explanation comes after the hesitation rather than before it.

First, we feel uncomfortable.

Then the mind gives us a perfectly reasonable story about why we shouldn’t do the uncomfortable thing.

What If We Act Before We Feel Ready?

Here’s the part of the research I like best.

Simply encouraging people to reach out wasn’t particularly effective. Neither were attempts to address some of their concerns about doing it.

What did help?

Practice.

In one experiment, the researchers had people first practice sending messages to current friends or acquaintances. After this “warm-up,” more people went on to contact an old friend. The intervention increased the number of people who reached out by about two-thirds.

Maybe we don’t always have to think ourselves into action.

Sometimes we can act ourselves into action.

That’s a useful idea far beyond friendship.

We don’t necessarily have to eliminate uncertainty before taking a step. We don’t have to feel confident before doing something courageous. And we don’t always have to understand exactly what is holding us back before moving forward.

Sometimes the first step can be very small.

Send the easy text.

Make the easy call.

Say hello to the person you see all the time but don’t really know.

And perhaps then send the harder one.

Because there may be someone somewhere thinking about you, too.

For help with this or something else, Contact me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com

Love,

Madelaine