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When is Social Support Not Constructive?
I thought I knew it because I felt it, but now the science affirms it: Sometimes social support can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I even called someone on it once and they thought I was nuts.
But here it is, on weight loss as only one example, from a new study reported by Science Daily:
Weight loss often results in change, from giving a person more confidence to a change in social dynamics in their relationships. Many do not welcome such changes and may, consciously or subconsciously, try to derail a person’s attempts to lose weight in order to keep things the way they are.
They mean well. They may even love you, and especially if they love you, they may want to keep things with you just the way they are. And it is not just about weight loss.
Other Examples of Negative Social Support
Failure to Launch: What about parents who make their homes safe havens for their adult children who, on some level, really want to leave the nest but are practically and emotionally chained to the comforts of home.
Roughly 1/3 of Gen Z’s are living at home, many of them considering this a long-term arrangement. Notwithstanding financial benefits, there may be a significant price to pay in other ways with something called “failure to launch.”
That Gen Z’s have been found to be the least confident and most stressed demographic in the workplace makes me wonder if still sleeping in the bedroom they spent their childhood in might be both cause and effect.
Talking, Talking, Talking: It is a commonly held notion that listening to people who are suffering is beneficial, so many well-meaning people encourage the people they care about to talk, often too much, about the pain they are in.
What they may not know is that “Talking about the trauma, even just trying to put what happened into words, can actually worsen a victim’s trauma by re-activating it in the brain, and embedding it deeper.”
From an earlier post, here is a little history of “Talking”:
John Cartwright tells us that the first talker could have been Homo habilis, 2 million years ago or Homo erectus, 1 million years ago. You may also click here for no less than 200 references on the origins of language. But here is what matters for our purposes.
To be sure, talking is a social plus, and one that has helped us to survive and to thrive all along, likely for millions of years. How else would we suppose that our ancestors could negotiate who gets to eat how much and what cut of the meat from the hunt?
How else would they have been able to make deals, detect cheaters, alert each other to danger, and the like? Well, why couldn’t they just do it with the wave of a hand or a point of the finger, “Food over here…ferocious beast over there”?
Because it didn’t work in the dark for one thing and, even if it was light out, then we had to be looking at each other all the time, just in case someone decided to ‘say’ something, instead of either resting our eyes or using them to scan outward for food, danger, or sex opportunities. Listen to this from Schlain’s The Alphabet Versus The Goddess:
“…evolution came up with the economical idea of using the human tongue for communication. While virtually every other muscle group in the body engaged in a vital activity fairly regularly, the tongue just sort of lay in the mouth between meals, doing little except help with swallowing saliva. The brain, like a patient Olympics coach, taught the tongue to perform a wide range of acrobatic gymnastic…the langue (tongue) in language became the indispensable shaper of speech.”
So, talking is amazing. We just need to be careful about too much of a good thing turning out bad, as with too much talking.
I suppose there are some people who don’t exactly mean well when they offer or impose what is supposed to be social support. Maybe they really don’t want the other person to lose weight. Schadenfreude, fear of losing the person who may move on with newfound confidence, whatever. Maybe they are lonely and want to keep the child at home for themselves. Maybe they like hearing about someone else’s troubles; makes them feel better about their own plight.
On the other hand, for those who really do mean well, what if we found a constructive way to say ‘no thank you’ to social support that is not constructive?
2 Ways to Say ‘No Thank You’ to Destructive Social Support
- Express appreciation and set boundaries: “Thank you so much for your offer and concern. However, I’m currently pursuing XXX, and it’s important for me to honor it, and stick to it. I really appreciate your kindness, but I’ll have to decline your offer for now. Your understanding means a lot to me.”
- Acknowledge their intention and assert your decision: “I genuinely appreciate your concern and support regarding my situation. However, I believe it’s essential for me to face these challenges on my own in order to grow and learn from them. Thank you for your understanding, but I would prefer to navigate this journey independently and spend our time enjoying each other’s company.”
Remember to resist the offer, not the person. By expressing gratitude for their concern, we can help ensure that the conversation builds trust and respect for everyone involved.
For help with this or something else, Contact Me at weissmadelaine@gmail.com
Warmly,
Madelaine
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